Weather or Not

Giving myself a breather after two days of exploring the intricacies of Federal Procedure (wheee...huwaaahh!). So let me talk about the simpler things in life: in particular, the weather.

Today was a snow day - my first official experience of actual snowfall, as flurries apparently don't count. As always, my timing was impeccable - I'd planned to bravely venture out to do some shopping for supplies, only to find out from the early morning news that I'd be encountering some wet winter weather.

Even after bundling up, I had second thoughts of leaving the apartment - but then again, this would be an adventure in and of itself. The funny thing is that, while it was snowing all right, it wasn't as cold as I'd expected (there is probably some scientific explanation for this, which of course they didn't teach us in tropical elementary school). Therefore, I've arrived at the conclusion that it's not the snow that's going to be the death of me, but the wind.

Wind chill kills - or at least it'll kill me. Now don't get me wrong; I love cold weather. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to live in Baguio City is the cool mountain climate, which ranges from 15-21C at any given time of the year. Then again, I have an extremely narrow personal thermostat of 18-21C, above or below which I start to get uncomfortable.

I also require a sufficient amount of humidity, for which I'd usually escape to Session Road or the lower areas of BC when the house got too cold and dry (Manila's humidity, on the other hand, is a little more difficult to escape). Otherwise, my skin starts to shed and flake like crazy and my hair starts to go all coarse. I remember my first unfortunate school week in Paris when, instead of arriving in the summer weather I'd been expecting, I caught the tail end of a late, freezing spring - and my face dried up like a rice field in the midst of El Nino. Manila weather may be warm and humid, but it's the best moisturizer on the planet (ski-slope strength Nivea is my next best bet). My hair stylist is going to kill me when he finds out that, against his advice, I've been taking hot showers (which, unsurprisingly, has my hair frizz up and dry out). Sorry, Bambi!

Skin bakbak and falling snow that looks like balakubak in the wind (how romantic, haha) aside, I'm liking this strange new experience. The possibility of a white Christmas was my own creation, after all. And I promise never to complain about how warm and humid Manila is, ever again. :-)

Conversations in the Cold

Technically, I could justify lack of writing activity on some very good excuses. One, my hands are frozen stiff in -8 C winter weather. Two, I have nothing to write about. And three, the grandmother of an excuse to trump 'em all, I'm much too busy studying for the NY Bar to be bothered.

Then again, none of the above are true – technically.

Yes, I'm freezing – I'm in climes colder than I've ever been before, a situation hardly anticipated by my aborted relocation to chilly Baguio City or that February trek up the highest peak of Luzon that had Ney a-flurry with paternal concern (“Wear plastic bags over your socks!” “Keep bundled up!” “Eat your vegetables!”). Pretty good advice that applies to Chicago weather, except that I haven't had the chance to test out the plastic footwear trick, but I've kept warm and dry for the most part. Voluntary house arrest in this kind of weather is da bomb, and even the promise of all those post-Christmas sales isn't good enough reason to venture out in the wind and cold.

I have tons to write about, particularly about the phenomenon of American television, the rituals of turkey and other culinary traditions, homeless people in a First World country, and this strange new experience of ice raining down from the heavens.

And finally, while I've been busy studying, I've also spent an inordinate amount of time procrastinating and mentally beating myself up for doing so (that stops NOW). At bottom, a good full five hours a day (approximately a hundred pages) is the optimal amount to go through my books, plus another hour or so going through a practice exam. Which leaves about 18 hours for sleeping, eating, reality TV, e-mail, and other stuff.

Stuff like writing in my blog, which I've been putting off. No longer! Save for God and my sister, I don't have anyone else to talk to except for the doorman and the little voice in my head (which I invariably end up arguing with), so might as well “talk to the blog.”

More conversations to come very soon...happy holidays to everyone!

I GOT That I FORGOT!!

I just had one of my biggest breakthroughs of the year. I GOT that I FORGOT!

I forgot WHO I AM.

No wonder everything had been an uphill struggle lately. And my "space" was cluttered up (come to think of it, so was my calendar, my room, and my car). It had all devolved into dealing with the here and now, fixing things that were out of integrity, getting the job done, doing, doing, doing.

I was stuck in the muck, and I didn't know how to get out. Then again, knowing makes no difference.

As always, behind the big breakdown was a huge breakthrough. And it came in progression.

I GOT who I AM in the eyes of my God; I'd forgotten. A light upon the Earth, a bearer of His love, His Beloved. I got that in Him, I have no cause for fear. Through Him, I am transformed from identity to divinity (almost fell off the pew when I heard that in Mass last Sunday).

I GOT who I AM as my WORD; I'd forgotten. A few months ago, I spoke into being a possibility bigger than I ever imagined myself speaking. Last night, and today, I was powerfully reminded of that by someone who listens to me as no less.

What I GOT was Source, and source - in Whose and in whose presence I am huge, extraordinary, and pure possibility. More immense than I think myself to be. I LIVE into that listening; I become ALIVE in it. And I am restored to who I AM. There is drudgery no more, for the future I am living into is one worth giving my life. I just forgot. :-)

I AM a human being, not a human doing. I am love, empowerment, and commitment. I am the transformation of Asia. I am a child of God.

Thank you Bella, Rachel, and my Beloved Lord and Savior, for never letting me forget.

All You Got
- DC Talk

Heard you say that no one seems to care about you
It's in your eyes
You think that life's unfair to you
Just give it all you got my friend
Just give it all you got, it's not the end

'Cause you oughta know
There's a reason for these changing seasons
God only knows how much your heart can bear
So don't you let go
Everybody has their up and down times
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved
My friend, so hold on, it's not the end

As I remember, everything you touch
Will turn to gold, you held a secret
To make your grandest dreams unfold
You were the very best of us all
But the sun that rises still falls

'Cause you oughta know
There's a reason for these changing seasons
God only knows how much your heart can bear
So don't you let go
Everybody has their up and down times
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved
My friend, so hold on, it's not the end

It's just a love song
'Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be right here for you
It's just a simple prayer
It's from the bottom of my heart
That He'll never let you go

Next On The Agenda

Late one Friday night, while we were coaching a Landmark leadership program, my friend Peter shared with me that he was so looking forward to Saturday, because as he had scheduled in his Mission Control "capture tool" (i.e., planner/Blackberry/Outlook), it was time for him to sleep (or sleep in late, to be more precise). Now I know exactly what he meant.

It's been a long, busy week, and tomorrow I'm sleeping in. But before turning in, I have a load of stuff to be thankful for - waking hours well spent. The 19th Landmark Forum in the Philippines just completed its weekend today (awesomely, as always); I got through day two of my Mandatory Continuing Legal Education yesterday (two more Saturdays to go!); spent a really great evening with my law partners and new friends at Kenneth's birthday party; had some fantastic conversations about possibility, integrity, and even international trade law and college football; created the next Landmark Advanced Course; finished my first reading of the MBE subjects ahead of time; participated in the launch meeting of the fulfillment of my "son" J's possibility (and mine) of a dream book project, and more more more...all in a span of a few days. I really get that that's using up life - gloriously burning it up to the fullest.

And tonight/tomorrow I get to rejuvenate and restore. I get to "schedule in" sleep (and selfishly enjoy some real "me" time). Yum!

Good night, folks! God bless.

Without Integrity...

...nothing works!

Three BIG breakthroughs in integrity for me these last few days, and what whoppers they were! The last couple of weeks leading up to them had me in a funky space - not totally disempowered, but not all there either. It was like I was dragging my feet, doing everything that needed to get done, but still a little "off." As my friend "M the man" put it, when you get off being "off," it's like coming out fresh from a shower: "parang bagong ligo!" I couldn't have put it any better.

Breakthrough number 1. Integrity, as we know it well in Landmark Education , is, at its most junior level, keeping one's promises and agreements. What I got is that I very often keep my promises and agreements to other people, but when it comes to promises I make to myself...that's another story. At a weekend creation meeting for the next Landmark Advanced Course, my good buddy "SB" said, after I'd shared the promises to myself I wasn't keeping, "well, why don't you make those promises to me?" Absolutely brilliant! And it's been working like a dream - the promises I'd been putting off on fulfilling (booking my ticket to the US, renewing my passport, observing my review and workout schedules) have been held to account, and I'm happily on track. I bought my ticket to the US the day after the conversation, I renewed my passport the Tuesday after (see next breakthrough), and I get to report to "SB" - or "study buddy with a stud-ly body," heh heh, my daily progress in honoring my word as to my review and workout. And vice versa as regards his own promises to himself!

Breakthrough number 2. Another thing that had to be handled regarding my upcoming trip next month was my passport renewal - the travel document's validity was less than 6 months from the date of my travel on December 20. The thing is, they have a new passport system at the DFA which requires personal appearance at the Department of Foreign Affairs instead of the courier service. Ergo, long, sweaty lines and a massive amount of bureaucratic red tape (sure, I could've made a few phone calls and jumped the queues, but then I wouldn't have had my breakthrough, right?). Four hours into that, without having eaten anything the whole day = a very cranky me. I was exhausted, unhappy, and hungry and all I wanted to do was to go home and make everything and everyone wrong. But I had an Integrity seminar to assist at, so off I went to Makati. In the thick of Buendia traffic, and in a major disempowered state of pissed-off'ness, I began to distinguish what was having me be that way. Another thing I got as regards Integrity, Landmark style, is that standards and ideals get in the way of our being true to our values and principles. Suddenly, as I saw a traffic cop being wishy-washy in letting vehicles through, I saw exactly what my self-defeating standard and ideal was: "everything should work!" And if things don't work (or if it occurs to me that people's lives don't work), I get personally offended. Ha ha! That insight just totally blew me away, because on the other side of that was a value and principle I got to create in its place. If things are not working, how can I be responsible for workability being available, without making unworkability bad and wrong? What I created is being an extraordinary demand for things working - being the distinction b*tch, but for the sake of pure empowerment and possibility. The exhaustion and unhappiness completely disappeared by the time I got to AIM and the Integrity Seminar, and I stayed up on full power until almost 4 am the next day!

Breakthrough number 3 was pretty simple: being in action consistent with all the insights I'd gotten. The third and highest level of integrity is honoring one's word as one's self - walking the talk. And life just turned up in pure possibility - things in my life that had stalled all started to work, without effort. The clearing for integrity has allowed high levels of workability to be present, and I'm back in full gear, as regards to finances, my businesses, the profession, relationship, my coaching and other accountabilities, etc.!

The next Landmark Forum in Manila starts November 23, this Friday. It's been more than a year since I'd been in my own Landmark Forum, but, as I've written, the breakthroughs keep coming! Praise God for one of the most empowering experiences of my life; praise Him for the power, possibility and peace of mind He's made available through this work!

Heroes

"The sun rises on a new dawn. Yet few of us realize the debt we owe to those responsible for this, to those who dwell among us. Anonymous, seemingly ordinary, who destiny brought together to repair, to heal, to save us from ourselves.

"And they're still out there, among us. In the shadows, in the light; we pass them on the street without a glance, never suspecting, never knowing. Do they even know yet?

"But they're bound together by a common purpose, a glaring reality: to BE EXTRAORDINARY.

"And when destiny does anoint them, how do they hide from it? How long can they dwell in the shadows before fate, or their own flawed humanity, draws them out into the light...again?"

- Heroes, 2nd Season (1st episode)

Create, create, create...

It's been said that one of the pitfalls of living an invented life is the failure to create. It may sound obvious, but we're human beings, designed to forget. Once the creative facility stalls, a once-vibrant life becomes dreary, effortsome, boring (and then we start to ask ourselves what the problem is, i.e., in Landmark terms, "what's missing?").

Happily enough, I can distinguish the "red flags" of that state of ennui before it descends completely, and have committed to keep creating (even when sometimes I don't feel like it). After all, the Divinity that is within and around us is a creative force, endlessly speaking possibilities into being.

Today was another great opportunity to participate in that kind of marvelous creation, and earlier this evening, to keep whatever it was I created during the day in existence by writing it down. More than a gratitude journal (gratitude, to my mind, is a moment-to-moment acknowledgment of blessings, big and small, and then a completion of that experience by emptying one's "receptacle" to receive, once again. In other words, the past IS the past, I am profoundly, exceedingly, and constantly grateful for what has been given, AND at the same time emptied and ready for what is yet to be received), I keep a "creative log" of what I've "invented" for myself and my life for the day. There are some days when I slip into "ordinary" mode and forget to remind myself of what I've created, which is why the written log is such a great tool. What it represents and keeps in existence is my WORD - the possibilities of what and who I've declared myself to be. And, it's a indescribable thrill to revisit what I once wrote and actually confirm that I've realized it.

Let me share with you today's entries, with some brief notes on how those came about.

7 November 2007

1. Service at He Cares, at least once a week. Today was an opportunity for me to revisit where I began to find my purpose; I haven't been regularly serving at He Cares since I stepped into the astounding explosion of my LIFE in all its abundance, always knowing fully well that He Cares is a hugely important part of it. Last Monday, I promised Kuya JD I'd go back up to Montalban with him. And on Tuesday evening, at the Integrity Seminar, I got present to one piece of honoring my principles and values, which includes my commitment and love for sharing God's blessings as I'd been called to He Cares to do so, three years ago. This morning, in the presence of the people I've served and truly love as bearers of Christ Jesus on earth, I got to the complete realization of one of my fundamental principles and values in life, without which things are "off" and which gives me inspiration and genuine self-expression: SERVICE. This is who I AM. This is what I've been blessed to BE. And this is what I can be counted on for. I've been called back, and once again, I reply, "Here I am."

2. 85% in all areas of the NY Bar Exam. Haha, still in the middle of review, and getting there.

3. Developing and expanding TWT. I had a great conversation yesterday with a potential writer and shared with him the future we're creating for Third-World Traveler and the talented Filipino. Jeryc my son, we gotta get busy!

4. Developing and expanding C+C. Again, another great conversation with my kumareng Day about the potential and future of this endeavor, I love it! Next meeting to formalize the new structures and avenues of undertaking, right after November 16.

5. Practice guitar. Like I said, I logged this list down earlier this evening, and, after reviewing MBE Contract law, completing my workout (ha, something that's not been written, but an ongoing and unbroken commitment to myself to the possibility of "hot body" teehee), cooking dinner, and dealing with work, I just really got down to practice on the old acoustic. The miracle is, after a couple of hours of exercises, I just got out my chord book to worship the Lord, and I found myself playing better than I've ever done before! Not bad, considering that it's been a year since I "played" and I never was a very good guitar player to begin with.

6. Food photography. I'm actually going to practice that - been reading up on white balance and ISO and stuff like that, which I totally have ignored using my undermaximized point-and-shoot (a darned good one too, according to my friend Jason L). Good skill to learn for the catering business and the upcoming website (great idea from Day!)

7. Leading Landmark Introductions to Assisting. I've gotten HUGE breakthroughs in my assisting accountabilities at Landmark, and today I created the possibility of enrolling people into a life of service and contribution (this insight I got as a function of my breakthrough in #1).

So there, that's what I've created today. I wonder what I'll be creating tomorrow? Will be sure to let you know. :-)

Happiness...

...is ending a catering gig with people saying how much they loved your food and service, and that they'll see you again at the next job. Actually, happiness is the entire process of catering - from buying all the stuff from the market/s, getting the crew together, doing the cooking, setting up, and serving the guests. And, in my case, throwing in a song, upon request, with the live band (extraordinary service, free of charge). Happiness is also having a Long Island Iced Tea when things start settling down, and sending the service staff home with doggie bags (Henry and Thea, my brother-sister crew for the day, have 13 people living in their household at the moment, so that was a great bonus for them, aside from their fee and generous tip).

I love this job (one of many, all of which I love as well). Need a caterer? Drop me a line at C+C; my free entertainment package ends December 20. :-)

Re-Com

The last several days have been a re-communion of sorts, a "coming home" to many fond and familiar persons, places, pastimes, and pursuits:

October 23. Re-com with the Landmark family, with the start of the Integrity seminar. Always great to be in conversation with a community of possibility, and to be with people I love dearly. Speaking of whom, I had a re-com with the Pixel folks earlier that day, since M is out of the country and left a project that needed to be worked on; then much later that night it was a re-communing with my buddies at the "JJ Phad" - I promised I'd stay only a couple of hours so I could get ready for the next day's trip, but catching up with B & B plus beer and conversation and their guitars had us jamming until way past my bedtime (as always).

October 24. Re-com with the "Phad in BC" and BC itself! I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that a year away had the Phad missing me like heck (and vice versa). There was a virtual forest growing on the steps, the locks were rusty and put up a struggle, but Ça vaut le voyage! I was "home" - a term that has expanded definition in the last year. Much to my relief, there wasn't anything of value taken in the break-in except for CC's cereals and the canned goods I left (whoever/whatever ate them must probably be dead of botulism anyway), and J's Swiss knife (I'm sorry anak, I'll get you a new one). All my DVDs, CDs, and plates were still there, not to mention my books, which unfortunately bore signs of dampness from the cold weather *boohoo*. At any rate, there wasn't time to read them, as the trip to my beloved BC had another re-com as its purpose: the MCLE (Mandatory Continuing Legal Education), or making up for the missed hours I skipped out on, to comply with the Integrated Bar's requirements. Another great re-com while I was there: I ran into a good friend L from my NGO days in the mid-90's as a rookie litigator with the Women's Legal Bureau. Over the next few days, not only did I re-com with the law, but with my favorite BC haunts as well: the market, Good Shepherd, and good old Session Road.

October 28. The Phad spotless and the jungle cleared, the next re-com was a visit to yet another "home" - Bangued, Abra, home of my maternal ancestors. That afternoon and evening I re-comm'd with my grandmother, my aunt and uncle, and had a few swigs of alcohol over conversation with my favorite cousin L.

*** Insert pleasant over-indulgent lull spent with Hugh Laurie and James Woods (House and Shark, respectively)...angsty doctor, angsty lawyer, both of whom I find irresistible, go figure... ***

November 2. Re-com with catering. The last week, I got two jobs for the food business I've sort of neglected these last several months, and I re-comm'd with a vengeance. Did the marketing myself for tomorrow's gig, recruited the old hands, prepped by really getting my own hands dirty (chopping ingredients, and even making a nice healthy dinner afterwards) even if my nails have grown nice and long and have been carefully manicured.

Re-com with guitar. Ouch. The nails didn't work; had to trim them down a bit to manage the chords. Hadn't touched N's old acoustic hand-me-down for months but managed to tune it nicely; though my fingers have gotten stiff and B minor is a pain once again.

Finally, my favorite re-com of all. Taking a breather from the hustle and bustle of life, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, just reveling in His calm presence and overwhelming love. Re-communion with my First of All, my Most of All, my All in All. The One Who awaits me at every moment to commune with Him, Who knows my deepest desires, Who sees the most extraordinary of my possibilities. I've not had much time to re-commune with my Maker lately, but today, when I did, it was like old times. And it was like new. In His presence, I'd come "home" too. :-)

Found In Translation

Next to Math, Filipino was my worst subject in school. Blame it on the prohibitive mentality at home and in an earlier school that speaking the native tongue was "bad and wrong": helpers were forbidden to speak to us in anything other than (somewhat broken) English, we were actually fined for every Tagalog word we spoke on school premises, and my brother and I were planted in front of every episode of Sesame Street (34 years later, he's still its biggest fan).

But I managed to find ways around the restriction - Wakasan komiks nicked from the yayas or rented out at 10 centavos from a nearby store, illicit viewings of old LVN movies and the saga of Flor de Luna, and a keen ear for chismis on the Barros side of the family that had me fully comprehending Ilocano at an early age (a purely auditory skill; I still can't speak it without sounding weird). All that sneaking around did me a whole lot of good when I moved to another school where everyone else spoke Filipino, except that I still struggled with the vocabulary way into the sixth grade ("What do you mean, sirit?").

Unfortunately, my proficiency was limited to conversational Tagalog. To this day, my head swims if you give me more than a paragraph of written Filipino; I hardly made it halfway through Florante at Laura, much less the Tagalog translations of Noli Me Tangere/El Filibusterismo without going into verbal shock.

Which is why it's very strange that I find myself translating written work in English to the native tongue. Anna Liza and all, English is still my first language - I think it, speak it, dream in it, and am more comfortable with it than any other. I can speak straight Filipino - if I were speaking in the streets - but my written grasp of the language still leaves much to be desired. And yet, through all these years of translation, I've been discovering the beauty and expressiveness of the Filipino tongue, which captures so much of the soul of its speakers.

I suppose I underestimate my proficiency in artistic expressions of Tagalog. Now that I think of it, I wrote numerous scenes for radio and TV broadcast at the College of Mass Communication, not to mention sketches for the long-running LIVE A.I.D.S. series in my SAMASKOM days. I also wrote a short play, entirely in Tagalog, as a requirement for the last class I attended before qualifying for my undergraduate degree: a modern parody of the Noli's Donas Victorina and Consolacion duking it out in the afterlife, staged at the Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero theater and performed by cast members of the UP Repertory. My PI 100 prof, Jess Ramos, loved it so much that he even requested my permission to have it re-staged for a Rizal conference; I still can't believe I could have written something so socially incisive yet entertaining (I've never bothered to keep tabs on the copyright of these works; the play might still be out there, just like the Utol scene I wrote which is allegedly still being used by UP Broadcasting majors almost 20 years from when I first wrote it for a TV production class).

Much later, even in law school, Filipino writing jobs still presented themselves. In my senior year, now-Senator then-plain-old-Kiko Francis Pangilinan had me write and produce his legal segments for the daily TV show Hoy Gising!, all entirely in Tagalog and masa/sub judice-friendly legalese.

Fast-forward to several years later, when mission work for the He Cares Foundation had me not only reading the Gospel in Tagalog, but preaching it as well. Plus there was the unbelievably time-consuming job (up to 11 hours for a wedding!) of translating the Liturgy into reader-friendly Filipino for Father Steve Tynan, every Saturday for almost two years.

Today, I still do a lot of translating work - mainly for the Augustinian Recollects through my good friend Father Boyax (apparently their Bisaya/Ilonggo is much better than their Tagalog skills; on the other hand, my Tagalog is far better than my Bisaya - again, another auditory language skill picked up from my father's side of the family, murag). I've done the translation of two videos for them, and just now wrapped up another on the life of St. Ezekiel Moreno. Also in the works (a long overdue project, my apologies) is a translation of the late Senator Raul Roco's book of quotations, commissioned by his wife Sonia. Religion and politics, translated in the style of Honey Oliveros. Kinda awesome, huh?

My TWT partner J and I have discussed plans of turning the tables and actually translating Filipino films to English; that would be even more awesome. TWT has also inspired me to study alibata (our logo is written as such), the native pre-Hispanic script of the islands, which is as beautifully written visually as it is verbally. And the beautiful Filipino language has me constantly fascinated as, in my translations, I've found (in my trusty English-Filipino dictionary) some gorgeously profound words I've never even heard before like tudlaan (target) and satsat (tonsure), as well as more than one really great word for "result": kinauwian, humantong, nagdulot etc. One of my favorite Filipino words that I prefer over the Spanish variant: sansinukob (universe). Root words: san/isang (all/one), sukob (encompassing, sheltering) - an all-encompassing, all-sheltering ONE. Gorgeous. The things you find in translation are pretty cool.

Back to BC

I've procrastinated too long.

Baguio City was my solace from stress, the haven of my heart-stirrings, the "cave" of consolation. Last year, I spent more time in BC than any other place outside Manila, for rest, rejuvenation, and, or so I thought, eventual residence. I'd actually started to move up to BC in the summer of 2006, and I was all set to start life anew in my favorite city in the mountains.

However, such was not my "fate." I found myself back in Manila on request from a friend, but still shuttling back and forth as I held on to my dream of living BC. Little did I know that I would be leaving BC, to embark on the adventure of a whole new life in Manila...and beyond. And so I left Baguio City, always meaning to return one day, someday. The chalkboard sign in the living room says, "Welcome Home!" - and yet I haven't done so in months. Almost a year now, if I remember correctly.

But that's to change in a few weeks. I've been traveling high and low and near and far over the last many months, but nowhere near BC. One probable reason is that I no longer need a "cave" to retreat to; another is that the house was broken into a few months ago and I'd be heartbroken to see for myself what was taken. But, as circumstances would have it, the mandatory Continuing Legal Education program I'm missing a few hours of will be held in BC in October, and there's no earlier offering in Manila. And so, I'm going back to BC - with a new frame of mind. I'm no longer in search of a new perspective...but I do miss the peace and the pine trees. So BC, here I come.

Lost Links

I lost my old templates (go figure) and had to replace them...in the process, I lost all my links to friends' blogs and pages. Will reconstitute them as soon as I find the time to tinker with the template settings. Sigh.

Big Promises

One of the biggest things I got in the Bangkok Intensive was to make BIG promises. A particularly compelling conversation was about not being afraid to give your word to a big promise - after all, the value of a promise is to pull one into action. Then, during a brief informal discussion over lunch, Nui told me, "create a big quota!"

Playing safe isn't really my style, but I've still been a little too cautious to really risk too much. After Bangkok, I began to promise BIG-ger...with amazing results. I've taken the "big promise" game into certain areas of my life (in my leading, for instance - I promised 50% effectiveness where I used to promise 30%, and I got 67%!!), and so far it's produced breakthrough results - bigger than I expected!! I expect it to work wonders in the new game we created for the practice (it's already yielding amazing returns with all the new openings for action - and to think the game plan commences in October!), and I'm going to take it into all areas of my professional life (and perhaps even into my personal life, as soon as I determine what "quotas" are appropriate in that domain!).

Promise BIG. This life's too magnificently blessed to play in the minor leagues.

Butterfly

Biologists studying the caterpillar and the butterfly were amazed to find that the dissimilarity between one and the other: there was nothing in the biological make-up of either one that remotely related it to the other. It was as if they were two distinct organisms. Upon closer study of the caterpillar, however, it was discovered that a new kind of cell starts to appear - a cell that carries with it the image and possibility of "butterfly."

"The caterpillars new cells are called "imaginal cells". They resonate at a different frequency. They are so totally different from the caterpillar cells that his immune system thinks they are enemies . . . and gobbles them up - Chomp! Gulp! But these new imaginal cells continue to appear. More and more of them! Pretty soon, the caterpillar's immune system cannot destroy them fast enough. More and more of the imaginal cells survive. And then an amazing thing happens! The little, tiny, lonely imaginal cells start to clump together, into friendly little groups. They all resonate together at the same frequency, passing information from one to another. Then, after a while, another amazing thing happens! The clumps of imaginal cells start to cluster together! . . . A long string of clumping and clustering imaginal cells, all resonating at the same frequency, all passing information from one to another there inside the chrysalis.

A wave of Good News travels throughout the system - Lurches and heaves . . . but not yet a butterfly.

Then at some point, the entire long string of imaginal cells suddenly realizes all together that it is Something Different from the caterpillar. Something New! Something Wonderful!! . . . And in that realization is the shout of the birth of the butterfly!

Since the butterfly now 'knows' that it is a butterfly, the little tiny imaginal cells no longer have to do all those things individual cells have to do. Now they are part of a multi-celled organism - A FAMILY who can share the work. Each new butterfly cell can take on a different job. There is something for everyone to do. And everyone is important. And each cell begins to do just that very thing it is most drawn to do. And every other cell encourages it to do just that.

A great way to organize a butterfly!"

- Norie Huddle, Butterfly

Send Me To The Nations

It's kind of funny how things went full circle.

A year ago, I remember giving my friend Alan all sorts of excuses for not registering into the Landmark Forum. One favorite was, "but Alan, this is the money for my US trip!"

And he said, very sagely, "You can have the Landmark Forum AND your US trip. And even more." I wanted to slap the smile off his face, but I'd seen something I wanted badly to resolve, so I paid up.

Fast forward to a year later. Over dinner at a new Foundation I'd been invited to join, my seatmate engages me in conversation. She says she's been to an Introduction to the Landmark Forum but hasn't registered. I ask, why not? She's going to the US, she says, and to Japan soon after, and won't have any money left over afterwards.

So I take off on my share.

I was in the very same space in mid-August of 2006 - plus I was seeking direction (while not letting anyone on to it). And, miracles of miracles, not only did I get my family, my practice, and my LIFE back during my Landmark Forum, but I also got my US trip last July (more than three weeks of pure R & R), AND got to travel more in less than 12 months than I'd ever traveled in my life: China, twice! Japan. Palawan. Singapore. And, next week, Bangkok; Cebu in October; and the US again in December. Plus, opportunities have opened up in business and the practice that will have me once again traveling abroad, more often than I ever expected.

The Landmark Forum was the best-ever adventure I'd ever taken on - so good that I took on completing the whole Curriculum for Living, through which I found and now am able to live my purpose in life - God's purpose for me all along. The fringe benefit is that I get to satisfy my wanderlust, in a surprisingly effortless manner.

Once upon a time, I prayed to God in song, "send me to the nations." And He has. :-) I'm assured He will continue to do so. Amen!

Singapore

Off in a few hours. And I have another overseas trip lined up two weeks from now, to a favorite destination, but, unlike other "business" trips in the past, I don't feel the urge to "play" on the side. Perhaps it could be chalked up to being intentional, but I think that I've begun to actually consider these "working" trips as PLAYING trips that don't need any added extraneous activities to balance them off. Hmmm...or at least, with the company I'll be keeping, there'll be no locking myself in the hotel room with the cable TV running during the off-hours.

Off It

What would it be like if you could get off your point of view about something and totally shift your perspective, seeing what's happening with a new set of eyes?

Tonight, I got "on it" for longer than it normally takes me - making myself wrong with the whole internal "shoulda coulda woulda" conversation and mentally beating myself up for a few minutes of not doing what I knew to do. Formerly, this kind of breakdown would be something I couldn't live with; I'd always strived for a degree of excellence in everything I knew I did well, and if I knew I couldn't make the grade in any endeavor, I'd inevitably give up and turn my attention to something else I knew I could really excel at. Take sports, for instance - I knew I couldn't hit, catch, or volley a ball to save my life, so I totally gave that up and turned my attention to other things I was "better" at. Or Math, which I thought I could never figure out. And thus I did really well in English, the creative arts, History, debate, Biology, languages, extra-curriculars...everything else. Looking back, it was all a compensation - a cover-up - for the stuff I'd failed at, for everything else I wasn't good enough to do.

But that was all inside a lie I'd convinced myself to believe. I wasn't a total failure at sports - I excelled in swimming, soccer, social dance (heck, ballroom dancing is some kind of sport nowadays). And later on was at the top of my scuba diving class (psi computations and all, so I couldn't be a total numbskull at Math). Come to think of it, I had high marks in Statistics and Geometry, so I couldn't really play dumb in the mathematical arena.

So it was all really an internal conversation I had with myself about what I wasn't "good enough" at. Today was a prime conversation about the "games" I thought I'd never win. I dilly-dallied for a couple of weeks about coming up with a business plan/financial structure for the publishing arm of the media company I'm a part of. My excuse was that my experience with publishing was purely creative and editorial and I had no clue about how the business and marketing aspect of it was about. Yet, presented with a whole new "game" - creative outsourcing - a revolutionary new idea my team had been toying with the last several months, I got totally pumped up about coming up with the very same requirement of a business plan in only three days. After all, it was a game I'd never played before (no internal conversations of how "cumbersome" or unprofitable such an operation would be). And I know I can get in all on paper in a few hours . (Or request an expert to do it. Thanks, Lex!)

Those internal, invalidating, disempowering conversations can really limit possibility. After those 30 agonizing minutes of castigating and emotionally throttling myself for being "less than excellent," I got off my point of view that I was "bad and wrong" and actually got back into who I was as a possibility and what I was committed to. And a beautiful, miraculous space emerged - something I would not have been present to if I'd insistently stuck to my perspective. Results-wise, the numbers went off the charts, despite (or perhaps because of?) the breakdown.

Getting off hard-and-fast points of view can mean an alteration of the quality of one's life. Giving up the view that your mother is unsupportive and hypercritical and taking the perspective of love and concern can actually transform your listening of the seemingly hurtful "that was nothing!" to the genuine intent of "that was nothing, compared to what I know you can do!" Giving up your point of view of a loved one, who you once perceived as a loser who doesn't appreciate you, leads to the realization that he's actually hungry for your love and acts out to get your love and attention. Giving up your point of view that someone is being harsh, unreasonable and pushy in getting you to do what you ought to do, all of a sudden has you get how much they love you and how they only want the best for you, and what they really want is for you to see how much further you can expand and how much better you can be (even if you can't see it for yourself).

I've been "getting off it" lately with some amount of velocity, and I'm thankful for not having to stew and gripe for long periods of time. When I'm "off it," the world stops being about ME - and I get present to what's really possible. I get present to grace - the miracle of every moment that I am alive, and the miracle of every person around me. Who knows, I might actually volley a ball, with some success, or solve a complicated Math equation off-the-bat, any time soon!

Grace

Last Tuesday evening, the world came a little more alive.

In a space of community and possibility, 46 people became present to miracles - but not as we commonly understand miracles to be. Water was not changed into wine, no seas were parted, snow did not fall from the thunderclouds of Manila. Still, lives were altered permanently through a profound, unforgettable conversation.

We may live our entire lives without witnessing manna fall from heaven or seeing a dead person raised back to life. Then again, to my mind, that's one way to define the experience of Tuesday: the dead were in fact given life. Burdens that had been carried for decades, emotional hurts calloused over through the years, resentments, frustration, struggle - all were lifted in that one evening and continued to be released in the days that followed. Reports of miracles came back to us, left and right - and I remain in awe of what is possible when humanity is freed of the shackles it binds itself with. The dictionary defines a miracle as "such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God." And yes, God was truly present as the space created by releasing months, years, lifetimes of struggle allowed the miracle of love to take place.

The heart of the conversation was the distinction GRACE - the realization that our life is, and always has been, a miracle. All the ordinary moments of it. And when we really get that, how we see and live our lives, from then on, will never be the same.

I don't believe in coincidence. Today, just before I spent a few ordinary, miraculous moments with friends, I wandered into a book sale and quickly picked up a couple of books to read over the long weekend, hardly browsing through what they were about. It was only a few minutes ago that I saw that one of the books, by Marianne Williamson, was exactly what I've just been writing about. It's about "having hope, finding forgiveness, and making miracles." The title? Everyday Grace. No coincidence indeed. :-)

God bless the miracle of your life.

Conversation

There are many things that I am passionate about: travel, law, cinema, writing, my country. But lately I've been reflecting on what it is I'm passionate about the most.

I came up with one thing: CONVERSATION. I'm most passionate when I'm IN a conversation, especially a really good one. I just got off the phone after two hours of coaching and conversation with a relatively new friend, and when he thanked me for my time, I thanked him even more.

For after every conversation, I end up so enriched and expanded that I am not the same person I was before the interaction. No wonder that the people I consider my best friends are all masters at this art: I can spend hours, until the sun rises, in conversation with them, never running out of anything to say, even if I've known some of them for decades. The men I've been most attracted to have always engaged me in great, endless conversations - and those who I thought were initially attractive eventually turned out to be huge disappointments when nothing insightful, creative, or remotely relevant came out of their mouths (what a waste of saliva). I've distinguished that I can actually generate rich conversations with the most unlikely people - strangers on the bus, train, or plane; little children; lost youth living on the street - and I've always ended up being fascinated beyond my wildest expectations.

What I most love are conversations for transformation - those which open up new possibilities and avenues for action. Which is probably why I've always preferred arbitration and compromise over hard-core litigation. Both parties always end up winners after conversations for possibility, and those are the kinds of conversations I'm committed to forward.

So talk to me. I've always got something to say, and I'm always more than ready to listen.

Permission To Be Upset

I got a big distinction today that really freed me up. I'd always related to an "upset" as something that SHOULDN'T BE - after all, I have all the distinctions and have practiced them pretty well; I'm transformed AND a leader of the work of personal transformation; people actually come to me for coaching to get them off their upsets - therefore I shouldn't be upset. Sure, I've gotten upset a few times over the last year and gotten off it with velocity, but it was a state of being I resisted like the plague.

Until last Saturday, right at the beginning of a big event, when I got upset and didn't even realize it. It wasn't a big upset, but it got uglier the more I suppressed it. First, my legs cramped up and the pain got so excruciating that I had to sit down and hand off part of the presentation to my co-lead. Then my voice went - in the middle of speaking in front of more than 50 people! Thankfully, I made it through, produced effective results, and didn't think much about what happened...until I had "what happened" and "what I made it mean" distinguished later that evening.

I unknowingly created an internal conversation that I wasn't being supported (my interpretation of a single experience that very quickly got "validated" as the afternoon went along), and as I couldn't express it while in front of the guests, it somehow manifested physiologically - both through the pain in my legs and my voice. Since I'd been perfectly fine an hour before the event, it all made sense.

I thought I was off it completely until today, in conversation with a good friend and coach, I saw that I was still really upset. My voice hadn't returned, so there still was something I wasn't communicating. And she said something that powerfully freed me up: give yourself permission to be upset.

What?! I'd thought an upset was something that I shouldn't allow to happen - I actually hadn't been giving myself permission to be upset or to even acknowledge that I was being upset. But how could I even begin to "get off" being upset if I never acknowledged it?

It made perfect sense. I'd been stifling my upsets all this time, until the BIG one last Saturday reared its ugly head without my permitting myself to be present to it. So I cleaned that up today, with someone I'd actually been upset with during the event, and, weirdly enough, for the second time in the last two days (I'd earlier expressed my withheld communication to a couple of other people) my voice actually started to come back in the course of the conversation! How freeing it was to actually say that I got pissed off by my interpretation of how he was occuring to me and to actually own and be responsible for my upset! And to finally, completely get off it, in the course of five minutes.

Now that I've given myself that grace, that permission, I can acknowledge that I AM being upset about something else: a certain expectation I've been denying (to myself) I harbored. I can now own and be fully responsible for that, now that I've seen that I'd been relating to circumstances as "this shouldn't be!" By choosing, not resisting, it, I can really "get off it." And create anew :-)

Thank God for access to that freedom, for the liberation from the crippling restraints of fallen humanity that keep us from being who He created us to be. For how can we be loosed from the chains that bind us, if we don't even acknowledge that they're there? It was no coincidence that the reading for that fateful Saturday is one of my favorite verses, from 2 Corinthians 4 (6-18):

"For God who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to bring to light the knowledge of the glory of God on the face of (Jesus) Christ.

But we hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us.

We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.

For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since, then, we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed, therefore I spoke,' we too believe and therefore speak, knowing that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and place us with you in his presence.

Everything indeed is for you, so that the grace bestowed in abundance on more and more people may cause the thanksgiving to overflow for the glory of God.

Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal."

What's Your Day Like?

"So what's your day like?" asked Lex on his way out, after picking up the keys to the "new Center" (semi-long story).

My Saturday schedule was full and in existence, and did not include spending the morning cleaning up the old space and moving stuff to the new one (somehow his question got me suspicious - sorry for my interpretation, dude!). "It's my parlor day, then I'm going to dinner, then meeting Miles for drinks." (Intention thwarted, mwaha!)

I then very quickly fell out of integrity by dozing off for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon (remnants of jet lag and the very late post-leadership program session), only to be jolted awake by the sublime possibility of a decadent day of pampering at my favorite salon with my favorite team of beauty experts. My late arrival (properly acknowledged and apologized for) didn't seem to make their familiar welcome any less warm - in fact, all of them were up-to-date with the goings-on in my life...perhaps a little too updated (responsibility goes to Johanna, dear sister-in-arms and fellow salon habitue). And so the little pleasures of spending several hours with Bambi Navarro and his staff, whom I hadn't been with since my last session in May, ensued - pleasures denied whenever I'm out of the country for extended periods of time, head-to-toe treatment for less than $50 (plus an environment effervescent with flattery and healthy gossip, hee hee), the works! Double yum.

Sufficiently made beeeeyootiful again, I was then ready to meet up with a really beautiful person whom I love dearly - my sorority sister Marivic, my Paris companion and fellow travel-holic. It was hard to imagine that it had almost been five years since we last met up in person, and yet we'd kept in communication over time and it was just a matter of catching up. The bonus is that we finally got to create travel plans we'd been talking about for years - Europe and South America (a whole new plan in itself), here we come!

To cap off the evening, my best gal pal Miles and I (Ney missing in action, par for the course) had a couple of bottles of wine at a new tapas bar she'd wanted to check out, with, as always, a side of great conversation about life, love, and men (I guess Ney's absence was propitious after all!). My friendship with Miles has spanned more than 20 years, and yet our conversations never, ever run out of steam. Just like with my salon team and Marivic, I hadn't seen Miles for some time, and yet we very easily picked up where we left off. Separation from someone you love, as I was just reading in a book about relationship, is the opportunity to pursue your individual adventures in life, such that when you're together again, the foundation of your relationship is ever more strengthened and enlivened by each other's contribution. And I was truly contributed to (and vice versa, am pretty sure of that, heh heh!). A little giddy from the wine and wonderful conversations and realizations, I went to bed extremely, profoundly grateful.

So what was my day like? Pretty darned awesome, Lex, and very much blessed. :-)

The Spaces In Between

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Afterglow and Fore-ward

The last few days have been an ebb and flow of riot and relaxation. I had a sense that my vacation was at its end last Sunday when I got off the plane, assaulted by the wave of heat and humdity and the throngs of joyous arrivals and greeters at the airport. I was home, back on familiar territory, back to the myriad commitments and concerns.

Not that it's an unpleasant experience - on the contrary, home was powerfully calling me back even as I stepped into the departure lobby a month ago. The cycle of completion and creation is exhilirating, as there is always something newly in place in the future that gets one going. The thrilling uncertainty of "what's next?" propels you out of bed in the morning (even while on a "break" from a familiar lifestyle), and dancing with the unknown creates enlivenment of mind and spirit.

My body clock is still shot - early to rise, early to bed, and an untimely experience of exhaustion at hours I'm usually at my peak - but I'm grateful for the slack in schedule I've enjoyed this first week back home. I've managed to put the new commitments I've taken on in place, while still taking time-off to get acclimatized to the old time zone. I'm beginning to build a schedule from scratch - getting back into the games I'd taken time off from and starting new ones - and have been pleasantly surprised to find that I have time in the next few days to spend with important people in my life, whose company I'd missed in the past several months of completing all the commitments I'd made. And I'm excited to have even more conversations that will create possibilities anew. Bring 'em on!

Celebrating A Passionate Life

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." - Jack London

I am profoundly grateful to the Source of my life, Who has blessed me with life abundant.

Random Thoughts

I slept on a bar stool last night - literally. Or should I say, I slept using a bar stool as a pillow. And I had a pretty decent sleep 'til we left at 4 a.m. Guess I got good practice sleeping on office desks and election returns and whatever else was available as a pillow. And no, I wasn't in a bar.

Yesterday, I also got what commitment is about, as distinct from possibility - I'd apparently collapsed the two and took a good 30 minutes (an eternity, given my training) to distinguish and get off a brewing upset. Later on, "MMMM" made present to me that commitment is taking an action by a definite time; possibility has no due date. Aha. I got that.

I'm leaving for Chicago on Monday, a long overdue-twice postponed intention that I'm finally fulfilling on. Haven't packed a single thing yet, my although my pre-departure sched's bursting at the seams. Tonight a good friend called to tell me he'd be in the same city at the same time - two minutes away from where I'll be - but we'll only get to spend time with each other for one day before he flies out on the early morning of the 4th. Funny, we hardly ever see each other in Manila (at least in recent years) so this would be a great opportunity to explore the Windy City together and get some laughs in. Brings back fond memories of Van and Nelson in Paris and Larry in Manhattan.

Just some random thoughts. Might as well practice sentence construction and de-construction while I'm online.

Structure and Existence, Integrity and Commitment

Today I spent a few hours with my dearly beloved "son" J, in a meeting with a business partner creating new projects, and just in conversation in Nanay's new car while in traffic (I kept referring to myself as "Mom" the entire time, must be the upgrade in wheels, he he). Now my relationship with J is really probably the closest I have to being "maternal," except of course for the strange fact that he's only four years younger than I am and almost a full foot taller. But I'd always dreamed of the day when I could carry on an intelligent conversation with one of my own children, and while I don't have biological kids yet, the brilliant conversations I have with J - mundane (e.g., have I found him a father yet?) or otherwise, are experiences I always come away from highly enriched. J reads this space regularly, so get that as an acknowledgment, anak. :-)

Why I think we connect through this unusual filial bond is because of how we look and experience life in an oddly similar way. Just last year, both of us were in transition - or, in his case, he was about to be - I guess why I'm "Mom" is because I go through most of the same things just a little bit ahead of him and thereby can share my own experiences as he embarks on his. And then, as we both found ourselves owning our time and actually being responsible for it, the dreams we'd both only talked about - individual and common - started to be fulfilled before our very eyes. In my language, the possibilities are becoming actuality.

Once upon a time, maybe a year or so ago, we had a conversation about having time at our disposal and how to use it. Today I got present to our doing just that, and using time well.

Last Saturday, someone asked how it was like having my own time and creating my own schedule, and I realized right then how I was being responsible with that gift. The gift of time is a precious responsibility, which others may be willing to relegate to an employer, or to a regimented schedule. But if it is in entirely in your hands, the gift may just blow up in your face. Without responsibility, or without a certain structure of integrity and existence, time can be squandered away just like sand through fingers in an open hand. J and I somehow got that we were not to live the lives of bums or slackers; we are not aimless meanderers through life, but captains of our own destinies. On the other hand, the responsibility of owning one's time can also go the other way - there seems to be just so much to do that we milk it for everything it's worth, at the expense of our own well-being. Both of us have been through the hazards of workaholism and pushing ourselves to the very limits of time to know that that's not an ideal mindset either.

So how to make it work? How do we achieve balance in everything we're up to - and my "son" and I are up to a whole lot of things in our own lives - collectively and individually? How do we make our numerous careers and projects, our relationships with family and loved ones, our obligation to take care of our own selves, all work?

Structure and existence are key, and, above all, integrity and commitment. Looking at my life, and just now looking at J's, I see that those are the fundamental factors. Structure - although we do not observe a regular 9 to 5 schedule - provides the requisite discipline to getting things done, in a manner that doesn't leave us exhausted or worn out but instead inspired and ready to take on the next new thing. Existence - his notebook, my planner - puts things down in reality and allows us to honor promises we've made for work, family, relationship, well-being. July 2 to July 29 on my calendar, for instance, are dates I've inked down for my first real vacation in nine months, and everyone and everything is structured around those dates. Integrity - is basically honoring our word. We do what we say, when we said we'd do it, or otherwise make new promises and fulfill on them. That has been instrumental to my life, and his life, working. We wouldn't have all the great new opportunities coming our way if we treated our word as trash. And, finally, commitment: what is it that we are truly intent upon accomplishing? When we come across distractions or roadblocks or detours on the paths we're running on, what gets us off our butts and back on the trail? Commitment is what it is, and that's something both of us have had breakthroughs in fairly recently - is what you're seeking after worth the "pains" of the pursuit? Happily, so far the answer both of us have had is YES.

So those are my thoughts tonight. I have the pleasant luxury of some time to myself to write them out, after a productive day that came after a very eventful evening (conversation, cards, and a canine-related emergency room crisis) that had me out until 5:00 a.m. and still got me to my meeting at the other end of Metro Manila by noon. Thank God for the gift of time - it isn't something anyone wants to waste.

Walang Hiya

I distinguished something last Sunday. The day before, one of my favorite mothers at the Foundation was telling me that she was desperately trying to put together some money for her son's "capping" (he's studying to be a nurse) as she could not afford the fees. Judith suggested that the mother give me a call and see what she could work out, but it just so happened that I'd been up 'til early morning and was still asleep when she rang. So Nanay C was stopped at that, and told me that she didn't want to bother me out of hiya.

As I told her, if she did bother, she would have gotten a more than favorable response, as I'd been praying about whom I should give a certain tithe. But hiya got the best of her.

Hiya. I just got that "being ashamed" is one of the biggest cultural inauthenticities of the Filipino - and to my mind, it's a major deterrent to true freedom and self-expression. I've heard it used too many times as an excuse to be concerned; hiya is actually repressive and totally a crock of *censored*.

"Nahihiya kasi akong lumapit sa iyo," "nakakahiyang abalahin ka," "hindi ko masabi dahil sa hiya," "Ayoko nga, nakakahiya!" Shyness, shame, reticence - a huge obstacle to really getting the results we want in life.

I was speaking to Mike and Judith about it over lunch, when I got the inauthencity of it: hiya in this sense cannot be from God. Embarassment and being ashamed on the one hand hides fear - of rejection, refusal, being made to look bad. Worse, hiya is actually a subterfuge for pride - which, in Christianity, caused a favored angel's fall from grace. It is a deceptively innocent means to mask the refusal to acknowledge that one needs assistance, support, or in the direst case, salvation. It may not be a malicious guise, but it is, at bottom, fake. And I cannot believe it comes from God.

For, after all, the opposite of pride - which is basically what hiya is - is humility, a virtue or quality extolled in Scripture. Humility, in practical terms, is the acknowledgment of one's limitations, and the grace of being able to request assistance, support, salvation, from another. It's telling that this kind of candor is frowned upon in this society: we live our lives pretending out of hiya that we don't need anyone's "help" and refuse to publicly acknowledge it, while actually knowing in our heart of hearts that another person could make a huge difference in regards to what we desperately need or want. Translating this in terms of faith, the refusal to accept the Lord's redemption of our eternal souls on the basis of hiya or "I'm not worthy boohoohoo" is not just a tragedy, it's fancy, fragrant bull*censored.* Or to even come face to face with Him after the temple veil was torn, once and for all, by His sacrifice of salvation, allowing us direct access to the Holiest of Holies. It's like putting up sandbags around us to keep the tide of His Divine Mercy from coming in.

Hiya is pride, pure and simple. So I say, don't be that. That's one Filipino trait I am definitely not committed to perpetuating. Walang hiya kami dito! :-)

A Powerful Pentecost

This last week has been leading up to the outpouring of the Spirit today, much perhaps like the time the apostles were anxiously waiting in the upper room to receive what their beloved Savior had promised.

And man, did they receive! (Acts 2)

Today was also my personal Pentecost, as I received with open arms a veritable thunderstorm of His love and messages. The clarity of the experience was much like the neon-light revelation three years ago that pointed me unmistakably to where I was being called at the time through Luke 14:12- to the banquet of "the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind," which transformed my life forever. And as I shared a long time ago in a previous journal, it takes incontrovertible evidence for the skeptic in me to actually get what's being Said. I also just realized that it's been almost three years to the day (June 6, 2004) that I received my calling to serve, and five years (June 2, 2002) since I first answered the One calling me to Him.

True to form, today's messages were brought to me, Sesame Street style, by the letter "P," from my Panginoon:

PRESENCE. POWER. POSSIBILITY. PURPOSE. PRAISE. PROPHECY.

PRESENCE (Alan's addition to my "P's" when I shared this with him earlier today; I wasn't "present" to it at the time!). During Mass at today's Feast, the priest-celebrant said that it isn't God who holds back on what He gives us - it is our willingness to receive the continuous torrent of His blessings that keeps us from getting them. Today what I got was that to receive the fullness of His abundance, we must be totally empty. More relevantly, we are truly open to His generosity and His communication when there is nothing between Him and us; when we are cleared of all our internal conversations of guilt and unworthiness (the "umbrella" we open that keeps up from His rainstorms of love) - for He has already redeemed us and washed us clean by His blood, and continues to allow us to draw near to Him through His immeasurable Mercy (from which we may constantly draw through the Sacrament of Reconciliation). It is then that we can actually be present to His word for our lives.

POWER. That said, and being fully empty and present to Him, His message landed loud and clear: "the power you wield is My power revealed." In my weakness, He is my strength; and truly, His power in me releases me from fear and enables me to allow His glory to shine forth. And, in receptive emptiness, I received yet another revelation: it is His message when it is a message that gives me power. Thus, perhaps the most powerful message I received today is that He sees me as my -

POSSIBILITY. "You are able to see others as their possibility because I see you as yours." Wow. I really GOT that. He, indeed, created us - and sees us - as no less. To rub it in a little more, worship began with All Things Are Possible, and continued on a bit later to The Potter's Hand: "Teach me O Lord, to see all of my life, through Your eyes..."

PURPOSE. I'm supervising a powerful program this coming weekend that I've promised to be nothing short of mind-blowing, earth-shaking, and extraordinary. Even more so than my own experience of that program last October 2006. What I have at stake is the future of the Philippines and the full self-expression and freedom of the Filipino people. And I brought this program to today's celebration and lay it the foot of His cross. The confirmations I received over the course of the Feast, from the messages in worship and during the talk that followed, to actual physical evidence and the Word itself in Isaiah 60 cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be coincidence, even to someone like me who needs more than the usual amount of proof (lawyers!):

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.
See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you.

"Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

"Lift up your eyes and look about you: All assemble and come to you;
your sons come from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm.

"Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy;
the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come."

Yup, the Philippines will never be the same again after this weekend. I PROMISE that. And thus it shall be. :-)

PRAISE. I'm going to be doing a lot of that over the next week and into the weekend, in everything I do. I'm blessed that my partners in my possibility are also present to the miracle of praise. For in praise, there is presence, power, possibility, and purpose. Really :-)

PROPHECY. I missed most of Jon Escoto's talk because I took my sweet time over a snack, but the last part of it was even more confirmation of all of the above. Prophecy, according to what I got from Jon, is creating out of one's speaking (hmmm...sounds familiar, heh heh). And SO IT SHALL BE. At the end of his conversation, he bade us to prophesy to our spouses and children (I have none of the above - yet!), to the people around us, and most importantly - to our country. He said that too many "negative" (in my language, "disempowering" would be more accurate) things we say about the Philippines keep it where it is. Prophesy that it be blessed and be the First World, God-loving, God-abiding nation it is meant to be. How much more confirmation did I need?

A first-world Philippines, powerful (without disempowering anyone else, and instead empowering every other nation and people), free, and fully self-expressed! I prophesy that it shall BE sooner than any of us think. Praise God :-)

The Parable of the Talents

Something extraordinary happened over the last eight months. And I'm present to the many miracles that I've experienced over that span of time.

The Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30) most aptly illustrates the blessings I am present to.

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'"

Analogous to this is Luke 12:48: "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more."

What I get from these verses of scripture is that the Almighty has generously gifted us with extraordinary graces - talents, abilities, ways of being - that He trusts us to cultivate, utilize, and grow. Each of us has unique gifts from above, and the "challenge" is how we shall best use them and thereby proclaim the Giver's glory.

The ordinary perspective is to prioritize, sacrifice, choose the talent with the most potential - abandoning the rest. Thus we have lawyers who secretly desire to be novelists, doctors whose heart's passion is to create art, employees who covertly wish to be entrepreneurs.

My take on the Parable of the Talents, and many other verses of Scripture, is that the good Lord actually wants us to take EVERYTHING on. I am not a lawyer to the exclusion of everything else I do - I am a lawyer, a senior Partner of the firm AND I am a cook, entertainer, singer, lay missionary, entrepreneur, agent, publisher, editor, writer, educator, and so on and so forth. All at the same time.

Our lives are not meant to be a matter of multiple choice, but instead, a choice of all of the above. This is one of the biggest things I got out of my Landmark education - you can have it ALL. Really. And when I start to embrace having it all, much more becomes available. I become present to the availability of being, doing, expressing, having everything I've ever wanted, without sacrificing (in the sense of having to give up) anything else. And then I get present to that so much more is being given to me.

The conversation no longer becomes about having too much on your plate - it becomes about getting a bigger one. And that's an exciting point of view from which I choose to stand. Next talent, please?

Completion and Creation

That just about sums up what the last several weeks have been for me. Completing tasks, projects, accountabilities, programs, and endeavors...and creating new ones.

Tonight's homily by Father JBoy, to celebrate the Feast of the Ascencion, spoke about that - episozomene, in particular, or completion, which leads to ascensio, or ascencion. In other words, the prerequisite of moving on to a higher plane is completion of a task. When what needs to be done gets done properly, in time and in substance, there opens up a clearing for the next task at hand.

Completion and creation. I just completed my assisting accountabilities in two seminars (oh YEAH) and my leadership program (which means I've completed the whole Landmark Education Curriculum for Living in a span of eight months!), aside from one other supervising accountability and a program in Japan.

In "life," I've also just successfully completed an editing job, and a legal project. I also completed - albeit in the sense of termination - a business partnership that was not within my own realm of possibilities from the get-go.

Which now leaves me free to create a lot of new stuff; and, consciously or otherwise, that's what I've been taking on. New accountabilities in Landmark Education that I haven't taken on before, new projects for the businesses I'm already operating and a whole new business enterprise that's full of promise. New perspectives, new openings - even new relationships and new views of old ones. And, due to the completion, none of the old baggage weighing me down.

Now that's what life's about: completion and creation. You just gotta love that!

Being Unreasonable

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
"The man who listens to Reason is lost: Reason enslaves all whose minds are not strong enough to master her." - George Bernard Shaw, Maxims for Revolutionists in Man and Superman

Complaint

I have a complaint.

Several, actually, with one consistent theme. In this new realm of possibility, complaints are anathema - and yet a persistent one rankles my nerves.

I cannot stand people who cannot get their greatness.

I hate it when they whine, hide, denigrate themselves, betray their possibilities. Sure, I get that part of their humanity, but somehow I cannot stand it. Especially when they trivialize what their existence is all about.

I know I *should* be compassionate, but it seems that I cannot tolerate it.

Heck, I will not.

When we make ourselves small, we make the One who created us small - for we were created in His image and likeness, and our God is definitely not miniscule.

So get off it already.

In The Moment

Today I finally got around to spending time with a new friend I'd been promising to meet up with for months (and later on with a dear old friend I hadn't gotten together with in a long while). Lately life has been like an amazing roller coaster ride (the best way to experience it is to really enjoy it instead of letting it freak you out!) going at full-speed that I just realized I haven't really allowed myself the leisure of the moment. Especially with the people really important to me.

And there are more and more people who've become really important to me recently, in addition to long-time friends and family. In reality, there are a certain number of hours in a day, and it's been quite the challenge to spend quality time with all the many people in my life. Then again, anything is possible. I got present today to the impact of my not being "available," and I really got that.

I'm creating the possibility of being present, really and truly, in the moment, and to the people in my life. All 6.6 billion of them - as far as my other possibilities are concerned :-) God grant me the grace to do just that!

Jars of Clay

Was browsing through my dear friend/business partner/sister Johanna's blog the other day and an entry really floored me. It's a compelling quote from Marianne Williamson on what we can truly BE:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The weakness of our humanity oftentimes chokes off that Light, and we are stuck in the self-centered world of self-inflicted darkness. What saves us from being consumed by that desperate night is the reminder that, while we are fragile vessels susceptible to being broken or shattered, we contain a glorious Light - that can only be revealed each time our humanity cracks and breaks. And once we, in our humanity, are entirely broken beyond recognition and given up for others, it is only then that the glory of God's blinding Light, the priceless treasure within the jars of clay, is fully revealed as who we truly ARE.

For God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to bring to light the knowledge of the glory of God on the face of (Jesus) Christ.

But we hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us.

We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.

For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since, then, we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, "I believed, therefore I spoke," we too believe and therefore speak, knowing that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and place us with you in his presence.

Everything indeed is for you, so that the grace bestowed in abundance on more and more people may cause the thanksgiving to overflow for the glory of God.

Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:4-18)

Creating From Nothing

And so we emerge from yet another leadership training weekend, and what a powerful weekend that was! Great breakthroughs to propel us into the future we're creating for ourselves.

We're finally getting the TWT show on the road, for one, and really seriously putting our noses to the grindstone. One wonderful thing that I learned from a great friend (and business partner), who I acknowledge and admire for her velocity and intentionality in getting her dream off the ground in a matter of a few months, is doing one thing everyday towards the fulfillment of the possibility one has created. And that's just what we did, especially with the powerful new distinctions we received over the ILP weekend. Things are falling into place in a great new realm, and it's absolutely thrilling!

Watch out for Third-World Traveler, Co. - we're gonna rock the Third World!

Getting Present

...through just a smile, a conversation, an acknowledgment, a listening ear.

I love the people I work with: the mothers on kitchen duty and their stories of triumph and defeat and rising again, the people in the office with their hopes and dreams and possibilities, my partners in all the many endeavors I'm involved in - with their realizations of their own frailties, and most importantly, their greatness.

I love the people I serve for being just that - people who I can love, and to whom I can show my love through my service. I get that service does not mean bending over backward or sacrificing painfully, but comes from a genuine and loving acknowledgment of their dignity, their humanity, their equality. Service, indeed, begins with a smile - and sometimes that's all that takes. I've been profoundly made present to how that alone makes a difference.

I love my family and friends for who they are, and for what I can see they can truly be.

I love my God for BEING who He is and who He wants me to BE. My future with Him in eternity is truly the most powerful future that could ever call anyone into being.

My friend Peter recently acknowledged me for being "peace, ease, and profound happiness." I get that; I'm present to all of that. May I continue to be present to all the gifts, especially the most precious gift of relationship, that the Lord continues to shower me with.

Praise God :-)

Hmmm...

I'm not into astrology, but we were going through a book at my friend's studio earlier, and the very first sentence of the entry under my birthday read:

"Those born on July 31 take a special interest in what it means to be a human being. Philosophical and moral questions concerning the nature of humanity absorb them, especially where unusual and abnormal aspects of people are concerned." -The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Goldschneider and Joost Elffers

Hmmm. Very interesting.

What's your hobby?

The question was asked in a production meeting yesterday, and I got stumped. Who has time to have hobbies when, on a Saturday, you've got meetings in Makati at 10:00 am, 1:00, and 5:00, an event from 2:00 to 5:00, set-up for a friend's party at 7:00, and the party itself at 9:00 pm? And, in between, a business plan that's waiting to be done (it wasn't).

So I said, half-jokingly, that my hobby was drinking - and going to the bathroom to pee (it felt like that was the only thing I had free time to do). But I wasn't really complaining, and just continued to think about the question for the next few hours.

Later, at the party, Alan asked the question again, but with the qualification "If you had time, what would be your hobbies?"

Standard answer: travel - a little luxury now that my calendar is steadily filling up, and I'll be doing that mid-year. Diving, which I promised myself I'd do again sometime soon, and schedule is still the consideration. Movies - haven't gone to a theater lately but there's always the rare DVD marathon (of foreign art films, yum). The occasional book is always nice, recently finished The Four Agreements - but I'm not reading as much as I used to. But no regrets; I honestly didn't feel like I was missing out on doing things I really love to do.

And so the party progressed, and I had such a fun time (even when I was "working," i.e., helping out at the bar, serving food, entertaining guests), that this morning I got to thinking.

It's not true that I don't have time to do the things I love (the popular definition of "hobby"), because I'm actually already doing them in my life. And not just in my spare time! Now that's a blessing I'm now present to and profoundly grateful for.

I love to cook, and go shopping for pretty household stuff for entertaining. And that's what I do for a living, through the catering business.

I love to party and entertain, and that too I do as part of the business - and as a big part of my life, just like at Kate's impromptu birthday bash last night. I got to dance to some great bands and meet new people (and old friends!) and have great conversations with them and my friends until the wee hours.

I love to talk, and conversation is no longer a dying art in my world. I get to talk to my best friend every single weekday (and sometimes the after-work drinking weeknights) as we work together, to the wonderful people in my life, and to the great people I spend a lot of time doing the work of transformation with (even on weekends and holidays and even in the middle of a party; no vacation from transformation!). And to whoever else I meet and engage in conversation.

And I get to really live my life. I have no time for hobbies, because I'm spending it all already doing what I love - my hobby is my life. Amazing grace, indeed! Now I really get what He said about the fullness and abundance of life - and I'm truly thankful for that. :-)

Now that the business plan's done and I've gotten some writing in today, I'm going to do something I really love and have the rare opportunity to enjoy: take a Sunday nap. Yum!

Breathing Space

Finally, some down time after work-play-work-play-work-work-work over the season. Was so pooped on New Year's Eve that I didn't even make it to the countdown, and then New Year's Day was another big day in the kitchen. So today, I relished the alone time to drive to Chinatown (thank God for post-holiday traffic-lessness), comb the bookstore racks, get a *pink* pedicure, and read up on some program assignments. And to talk on the phone with someone I never thought I could ever relate to - what a great way to cap off a relaxing day. Also got some phone time in with my peripatetic BMF, just when I was beginning to really miss him. And it's back to work tomorrow! Never thought I'd be raring to say that :-)

Before I hit the sack, I wanted to share an entry from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, a devotional I've had a love-cynical-love relationship with. The last part of December 31st's reads:

"...As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, forgetful delight, nor with the quickness of impuslive thoughtlessness. But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

"Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."

Amen. I got that, and I really like that. :-)