Today I spent a few hours with my dearly beloved "son" J, in a meeting with a business partner creating new projects, and just in conversation in Nanay's new car while in traffic (I kept referring to myself as "Mom" the entire time, must be the upgrade in wheels, he he). Now my relationship with J is really probably the closest I have to being "maternal," except of course for the strange fact that he's only four years younger than I am and almost a full foot taller. But I'd always dreamed of the day when I could carry on an intelligent conversation with one of my own children, and while I don't have biological kids yet, the brilliant conversations I have with J - mundane (e.g., have I found him a father yet?) or otherwise, are experiences I always come away from highly enriched. J reads this space regularly, so get that as an acknowledgment, anak. :-)
Why I think we connect through this unusual filial bond is because of how we look and experience life in an oddly similar way. Just last year, both of us were in transition - or, in his case, he was about to be - I guess why I'm "Mom" is because I go through most of the same things just a little bit ahead of him and thereby can share my own experiences as he embarks on his. And then, as we both found ourselves owning our time and actually being responsible for it, the dreams we'd both only talked about - individual and common - started to be fulfilled before our very eyes. In my language, the possibilities are becoming actuality.
Once upon a time, maybe a year or so ago, we had a conversation about having time at our disposal and how to use it. Today I got present to our doing just that, and using time well.
Last Saturday, someone asked how it was like having my own time and creating my own schedule, and I realized right then how I was being responsible with that gift. The gift of time is a precious responsibility, which others may be willing to relegate to an employer, or to a regimented schedule. But if it is in entirely in your hands, the gift may just blow up in your face. Without responsibility, or without a certain structure of integrity and existence, time can be squandered away just like sand through fingers in an open hand. J and I somehow got that we were not to live the lives of bums or slackers; we are not aimless meanderers through life, but captains of our own destinies. On the other hand, the responsibility of owning one's time can also go the other way - there seems to be just so much to do that we milk it for everything it's worth, at the expense of our own well-being. Both of us have been through the hazards of workaholism and pushing ourselves to the very limits of time to know that that's not an ideal mindset either.
So how to make it work? How do we achieve balance in everything we're up to - and my "son" and I are up to a whole lot of things in our own lives - collectively and individually? How do we make our numerous careers and projects, our relationships with family and loved ones, our obligation to take care of our own selves, all work?
Structure and existence are key, and, above all, integrity and commitment. Looking at my life, and just now looking at J's, I see that those are the fundamental factors. Structure - although we do not observe a regular 9 to 5 schedule - provides the requisite discipline to getting things done, in a manner that doesn't leave us exhausted or worn out but instead inspired and ready to take on the next new thing. Existence - his notebook, my planner - puts things down in reality and allows us to honor promises we've made for work, family, relationship, well-being. July 2 to July 29 on my calendar, for instance, are dates I've inked down for my first real vacation in nine months, and everyone and everything is structured around those dates. Integrity - is basically honoring our word. We do what we say, when we said we'd do it, or otherwise make new promises and fulfill on them. That has been instrumental to my life, and his life, working. We wouldn't have all the great new opportunities coming our way if we treated our word as trash. And, finally, commitment: what is it that we are truly intent upon accomplishing? When we come across distractions or roadblocks or detours on the paths we're running on, what gets us off our butts and back on the trail? Commitment is what it is, and that's something both of us have had breakthroughs in fairly recently - is what you're seeking after worth the "pains" of the pursuit? Happily, so far the answer both of us have had is YES.
So those are my thoughts tonight. I have the pleasant luxury of some time to myself to write them out, after a productive day that came after a very eventful evening (conversation, cards, and a canine-related emergency room crisis) that had me out until 5:00 a.m. and still got me to my meeting at the other end of Metro Manila by noon. Thank God for the gift of time - it isn't something anyone wants to waste.
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