Next On The Agenda

Late one Friday night, while we were coaching a Landmark leadership program, my friend Peter shared with me that he was so looking forward to Saturday, because as he had scheduled in his Mission Control "capture tool" (i.e., planner/Blackberry/Outlook), it was time for him to sleep (or sleep in late, to be more precise). Now I know exactly what he meant.

It's been a long, busy week, and tomorrow I'm sleeping in. But before turning in, I have a load of stuff to be thankful for - waking hours well spent. The 19th Landmark Forum in the Philippines just completed its weekend today (awesomely, as always); I got through day two of my Mandatory Continuing Legal Education yesterday (two more Saturdays to go!); spent a really great evening with my law partners and new friends at Kenneth's birthday party; had some fantastic conversations about possibility, integrity, and even international trade law and college football; created the next Landmark Advanced Course; finished my first reading of the MBE subjects ahead of time; participated in the launch meeting of the fulfillment of my "son" J's possibility (and mine) of a dream book project, and more more more...all in a span of a few days. I really get that that's using up life - gloriously burning it up to the fullest.

And tonight/tomorrow I get to rejuvenate and restore. I get to "schedule in" sleep (and selfishly enjoy some real "me" time). Yum!

Good night, folks! God bless.

Without Integrity...

...nothing works!

Three BIG breakthroughs in integrity for me these last few days, and what whoppers they were! The last couple of weeks leading up to them had me in a funky space - not totally disempowered, but not all there either. It was like I was dragging my feet, doing everything that needed to get done, but still a little "off." As my friend "M the man" put it, when you get off being "off," it's like coming out fresh from a shower: "parang bagong ligo!" I couldn't have put it any better.

Breakthrough number 1. Integrity, as we know it well in Landmark Education , is, at its most junior level, keeping one's promises and agreements. What I got is that I very often keep my promises and agreements to other people, but when it comes to promises I make to myself...that's another story. At a weekend creation meeting for the next Landmark Advanced Course, my good buddy "SB" said, after I'd shared the promises to myself I wasn't keeping, "well, why don't you make those promises to me?" Absolutely brilliant! And it's been working like a dream - the promises I'd been putting off on fulfilling (booking my ticket to the US, renewing my passport, observing my review and workout schedules) have been held to account, and I'm happily on track. I bought my ticket to the US the day after the conversation, I renewed my passport the Tuesday after (see next breakthrough), and I get to report to "SB" - or "study buddy with a stud-ly body," heh heh, my daily progress in honoring my word as to my review and workout. And vice versa as regards his own promises to himself!

Breakthrough number 2. Another thing that had to be handled regarding my upcoming trip next month was my passport renewal - the travel document's validity was less than 6 months from the date of my travel on December 20. The thing is, they have a new passport system at the DFA which requires personal appearance at the Department of Foreign Affairs instead of the courier service. Ergo, long, sweaty lines and a massive amount of bureaucratic red tape (sure, I could've made a few phone calls and jumped the queues, but then I wouldn't have had my breakthrough, right?). Four hours into that, without having eaten anything the whole day = a very cranky me. I was exhausted, unhappy, and hungry and all I wanted to do was to go home and make everything and everyone wrong. But I had an Integrity seminar to assist at, so off I went to Makati. In the thick of Buendia traffic, and in a major disempowered state of pissed-off'ness, I began to distinguish what was having me be that way. Another thing I got as regards Integrity, Landmark style, is that standards and ideals get in the way of our being true to our values and principles. Suddenly, as I saw a traffic cop being wishy-washy in letting vehicles through, I saw exactly what my self-defeating standard and ideal was: "everything should work!" And if things don't work (or if it occurs to me that people's lives don't work), I get personally offended. Ha ha! That insight just totally blew me away, because on the other side of that was a value and principle I got to create in its place. If things are not working, how can I be responsible for workability being available, without making unworkability bad and wrong? What I created is being an extraordinary demand for things working - being the distinction b*tch, but for the sake of pure empowerment and possibility. The exhaustion and unhappiness completely disappeared by the time I got to AIM and the Integrity Seminar, and I stayed up on full power until almost 4 am the next day!

Breakthrough number 3 was pretty simple: being in action consistent with all the insights I'd gotten. The third and highest level of integrity is honoring one's word as one's self - walking the talk. And life just turned up in pure possibility - things in my life that had stalled all started to work, without effort. The clearing for integrity has allowed high levels of workability to be present, and I'm back in full gear, as regards to finances, my businesses, the profession, relationship, my coaching and other accountabilities, etc.!

The next Landmark Forum in Manila starts November 23, this Friday. It's been more than a year since I'd been in my own Landmark Forum, but, as I've written, the breakthroughs keep coming! Praise God for one of the most empowering experiences of my life; praise Him for the power, possibility and peace of mind He's made available through this work!

Heroes

"The sun rises on a new dawn. Yet few of us realize the debt we owe to those responsible for this, to those who dwell among us. Anonymous, seemingly ordinary, who destiny brought together to repair, to heal, to save us from ourselves.

"And they're still out there, among us. In the shadows, in the light; we pass them on the street without a glance, never suspecting, never knowing. Do they even know yet?

"But they're bound together by a common purpose, a glaring reality: to BE EXTRAORDINARY.

"And when destiny does anoint them, how do they hide from it? How long can they dwell in the shadows before fate, or their own flawed humanity, draws them out into the light...again?"

- Heroes, 2nd Season (1st episode)

Create, create, create...

It's been said that one of the pitfalls of living an invented life is the failure to create. It may sound obvious, but we're human beings, designed to forget. Once the creative facility stalls, a once-vibrant life becomes dreary, effortsome, boring (and then we start to ask ourselves what the problem is, i.e., in Landmark terms, "what's missing?").

Happily enough, I can distinguish the "red flags" of that state of ennui before it descends completely, and have committed to keep creating (even when sometimes I don't feel like it). After all, the Divinity that is within and around us is a creative force, endlessly speaking possibilities into being.

Today was another great opportunity to participate in that kind of marvelous creation, and earlier this evening, to keep whatever it was I created during the day in existence by writing it down. More than a gratitude journal (gratitude, to my mind, is a moment-to-moment acknowledgment of blessings, big and small, and then a completion of that experience by emptying one's "receptacle" to receive, once again. In other words, the past IS the past, I am profoundly, exceedingly, and constantly grateful for what has been given, AND at the same time emptied and ready for what is yet to be received), I keep a "creative log" of what I've "invented" for myself and my life for the day. There are some days when I slip into "ordinary" mode and forget to remind myself of what I've created, which is why the written log is such a great tool. What it represents and keeps in existence is my WORD - the possibilities of what and who I've declared myself to be. And, it's a indescribable thrill to revisit what I once wrote and actually confirm that I've realized it.

Let me share with you today's entries, with some brief notes on how those came about.

7 November 2007

1. Service at He Cares, at least once a week. Today was an opportunity for me to revisit where I began to find my purpose; I haven't been regularly serving at He Cares since I stepped into the astounding explosion of my LIFE in all its abundance, always knowing fully well that He Cares is a hugely important part of it. Last Monday, I promised Kuya JD I'd go back up to Montalban with him. And on Tuesday evening, at the Integrity Seminar, I got present to one piece of honoring my principles and values, which includes my commitment and love for sharing God's blessings as I'd been called to He Cares to do so, three years ago. This morning, in the presence of the people I've served and truly love as bearers of Christ Jesus on earth, I got to the complete realization of one of my fundamental principles and values in life, without which things are "off" and which gives me inspiration and genuine self-expression: SERVICE. This is who I AM. This is what I've been blessed to BE. And this is what I can be counted on for. I've been called back, and once again, I reply, "Here I am."

2. 85% in all areas of the NY Bar Exam. Haha, still in the middle of review, and getting there.

3. Developing and expanding TWT. I had a great conversation yesterday with a potential writer and shared with him the future we're creating for Third-World Traveler and the talented Filipino. Jeryc my son, we gotta get busy!

4. Developing and expanding C+C. Again, another great conversation with my kumareng Day about the potential and future of this endeavor, I love it! Next meeting to formalize the new structures and avenues of undertaking, right after November 16.

5. Practice guitar. Like I said, I logged this list down earlier this evening, and, after reviewing MBE Contract law, completing my workout (ha, something that's not been written, but an ongoing and unbroken commitment to myself to the possibility of "hot body" teehee), cooking dinner, and dealing with work, I just really got down to practice on the old acoustic. The miracle is, after a couple of hours of exercises, I just got out my chord book to worship the Lord, and I found myself playing better than I've ever done before! Not bad, considering that it's been a year since I "played" and I never was a very good guitar player to begin with.

6. Food photography. I'm actually going to practice that - been reading up on white balance and ISO and stuff like that, which I totally have ignored using my undermaximized point-and-shoot (a darned good one too, according to my friend Jason L). Good skill to learn for the catering business and the upcoming website (great idea from Day!)

7. Leading Landmark Introductions to Assisting. I've gotten HUGE breakthroughs in my assisting accountabilities at Landmark, and today I created the possibility of enrolling people into a life of service and contribution (this insight I got as a function of my breakthrough in #1).

So there, that's what I've created today. I wonder what I'll be creating tomorrow? Will be sure to let you know. :-)

Happiness...

...is ending a catering gig with people saying how much they loved your food and service, and that they'll see you again at the next job. Actually, happiness is the entire process of catering - from buying all the stuff from the market/s, getting the crew together, doing the cooking, setting up, and serving the guests. And, in my case, throwing in a song, upon request, with the live band (extraordinary service, free of charge). Happiness is also having a Long Island Iced Tea when things start settling down, and sending the service staff home with doggie bags (Henry and Thea, my brother-sister crew for the day, have 13 people living in their household at the moment, so that was a great bonus for them, aside from their fee and generous tip).

I love this job (one of many, all of which I love as well). Need a caterer? Drop me a line at C+C; my free entertainment package ends December 20. :-)

Re-Com

The last several days have been a re-communion of sorts, a "coming home" to many fond and familiar persons, places, pastimes, and pursuits:

October 23. Re-com with the Landmark family, with the start of the Integrity seminar. Always great to be in conversation with a community of possibility, and to be with people I love dearly. Speaking of whom, I had a re-com with the Pixel folks earlier that day, since M is out of the country and left a project that needed to be worked on; then much later that night it was a re-communing with my buddies at the "JJ Phad" - I promised I'd stay only a couple of hours so I could get ready for the next day's trip, but catching up with B & B plus beer and conversation and their guitars had us jamming until way past my bedtime (as always).

October 24. Re-com with the "Phad in BC" and BC itself! I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that a year away had the Phad missing me like heck (and vice versa). There was a virtual forest growing on the steps, the locks were rusty and put up a struggle, but Ça vaut le voyage! I was "home" - a term that has expanded definition in the last year. Much to my relief, there wasn't anything of value taken in the break-in except for CC's cereals and the canned goods I left (whoever/whatever ate them must probably be dead of botulism anyway), and J's Swiss knife (I'm sorry anak, I'll get you a new one). All my DVDs, CDs, and plates were still there, not to mention my books, which unfortunately bore signs of dampness from the cold weather *boohoo*. At any rate, there wasn't time to read them, as the trip to my beloved BC had another re-com as its purpose: the MCLE (Mandatory Continuing Legal Education), or making up for the missed hours I skipped out on, to comply with the Integrated Bar's requirements. Another great re-com while I was there: I ran into a good friend L from my NGO days in the mid-90's as a rookie litigator with the Women's Legal Bureau. Over the next few days, not only did I re-com with the law, but with my favorite BC haunts as well: the market, Good Shepherd, and good old Session Road.

October 28. The Phad spotless and the jungle cleared, the next re-com was a visit to yet another "home" - Bangued, Abra, home of my maternal ancestors. That afternoon and evening I re-comm'd with my grandmother, my aunt and uncle, and had a few swigs of alcohol over conversation with my favorite cousin L.

*** Insert pleasant over-indulgent lull spent with Hugh Laurie and James Woods (House and Shark, respectively)...angsty doctor, angsty lawyer, both of whom I find irresistible, go figure... ***

November 2. Re-com with catering. The last week, I got two jobs for the food business I've sort of neglected these last several months, and I re-comm'd with a vengeance. Did the marketing myself for tomorrow's gig, recruited the old hands, prepped by really getting my own hands dirty (chopping ingredients, and even making a nice healthy dinner afterwards) even if my nails have grown nice and long and have been carefully manicured.

Re-com with guitar. Ouch. The nails didn't work; had to trim them down a bit to manage the chords. Hadn't touched N's old acoustic hand-me-down for months but managed to tune it nicely; though my fingers have gotten stiff and B minor is a pain once again.

Finally, my favorite re-com of all. Taking a breather from the hustle and bustle of life, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, just reveling in His calm presence and overwhelming love. Re-communion with my First of All, my Most of All, my All in All. The One Who awaits me at every moment to commune with Him, Who knows my deepest desires, Who sees the most extraordinary of my possibilities. I've not had much time to re-commune with my Maker lately, but today, when I did, it was like old times. And it was like new. In His presence, I'd come "home" too. :-)

Found In Translation

Next to Math, Filipino was my worst subject in school. Blame it on the prohibitive mentality at home and in an earlier school that speaking the native tongue was "bad and wrong": helpers were forbidden to speak to us in anything other than (somewhat broken) English, we were actually fined for every Tagalog word we spoke on school premises, and my brother and I were planted in front of every episode of Sesame Street (34 years later, he's still its biggest fan).

But I managed to find ways around the restriction - Wakasan komiks nicked from the yayas or rented out at 10 centavos from a nearby store, illicit viewings of old LVN movies and the saga of Flor de Luna, and a keen ear for chismis on the Barros side of the family that had me fully comprehending Ilocano at an early age (a purely auditory skill; I still can't speak it without sounding weird). All that sneaking around did me a whole lot of good when I moved to another school where everyone else spoke Filipino, except that I still struggled with the vocabulary way into the sixth grade ("What do you mean, sirit?").

Unfortunately, my proficiency was limited to conversational Tagalog. To this day, my head swims if you give me more than a paragraph of written Filipino; I hardly made it halfway through Florante at Laura, much less the Tagalog translations of Noli Me Tangere/El Filibusterismo without going into verbal shock.

Which is why it's very strange that I find myself translating written work in English to the native tongue. Anna Liza and all, English is still my first language - I think it, speak it, dream in it, and am more comfortable with it than any other. I can speak straight Filipino - if I were speaking in the streets - but my written grasp of the language still leaves much to be desired. And yet, through all these years of translation, I've been discovering the beauty and expressiveness of the Filipino tongue, which captures so much of the soul of its speakers.

I suppose I underestimate my proficiency in artistic expressions of Tagalog. Now that I think of it, I wrote numerous scenes for radio and TV broadcast at the College of Mass Communication, not to mention sketches for the long-running LIVE A.I.D.S. series in my SAMASKOM days. I also wrote a short play, entirely in Tagalog, as a requirement for the last class I attended before qualifying for my undergraduate degree: a modern parody of the Noli's Donas Victorina and Consolacion duking it out in the afterlife, staged at the Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero theater and performed by cast members of the UP Repertory. My PI 100 prof, Jess Ramos, loved it so much that he even requested my permission to have it re-staged for a Rizal conference; I still can't believe I could have written something so socially incisive yet entertaining (I've never bothered to keep tabs on the copyright of these works; the play might still be out there, just like the Utol scene I wrote which is allegedly still being used by UP Broadcasting majors almost 20 years from when I first wrote it for a TV production class).

Much later, even in law school, Filipino writing jobs still presented themselves. In my senior year, now-Senator then-plain-old-Kiko Francis Pangilinan had me write and produce his legal segments for the daily TV show Hoy Gising!, all entirely in Tagalog and masa/sub judice-friendly legalese.

Fast-forward to several years later, when mission work for the He Cares Foundation had me not only reading the Gospel in Tagalog, but preaching it as well. Plus there was the unbelievably time-consuming job (up to 11 hours for a wedding!) of translating the Liturgy into reader-friendly Filipino for Father Steve Tynan, every Saturday for almost two years.

Today, I still do a lot of translating work - mainly for the Augustinian Recollects through my good friend Father Boyax (apparently their Bisaya/Ilonggo is much better than their Tagalog skills; on the other hand, my Tagalog is far better than my Bisaya - again, another auditory language skill picked up from my father's side of the family, murag). I've done the translation of two videos for them, and just now wrapped up another on the life of St. Ezekiel Moreno. Also in the works (a long overdue project, my apologies) is a translation of the late Senator Raul Roco's book of quotations, commissioned by his wife Sonia. Religion and politics, translated in the style of Honey Oliveros. Kinda awesome, huh?

My TWT partner J and I have discussed plans of turning the tables and actually translating Filipino films to English; that would be even more awesome. TWT has also inspired me to study alibata (our logo is written as such), the native pre-Hispanic script of the islands, which is as beautifully written visually as it is verbally. And the beautiful Filipino language has me constantly fascinated as, in my translations, I've found (in my trusty English-Filipino dictionary) some gorgeously profound words I've never even heard before like tudlaan (target) and satsat (tonsure), as well as more than one really great word for "result": kinauwian, humantong, nagdulot etc. One of my favorite Filipino words that I prefer over the Spanish variant: sansinukob (universe). Root words: san/isang (all/one), sukob (encompassing, sheltering) - an all-encompassing, all-sheltering ONE. Gorgeous. The things you find in translation are pretty cool.

Back to BC

I've procrastinated too long.

Baguio City was my solace from stress, the haven of my heart-stirrings, the "cave" of consolation. Last year, I spent more time in BC than any other place outside Manila, for rest, rejuvenation, and, or so I thought, eventual residence. I'd actually started to move up to BC in the summer of 2006, and I was all set to start life anew in my favorite city in the mountains.

However, such was not my "fate." I found myself back in Manila on request from a friend, but still shuttling back and forth as I held on to my dream of living BC. Little did I know that I would be leaving BC, to embark on the adventure of a whole new life in Manila...and beyond. And so I left Baguio City, always meaning to return one day, someday. The chalkboard sign in the living room says, "Welcome Home!" - and yet I haven't done so in months. Almost a year now, if I remember correctly.

But that's to change in a few weeks. I've been traveling high and low and near and far over the last many months, but nowhere near BC. One probable reason is that I no longer need a "cave" to retreat to; another is that the house was broken into a few months ago and I'd be heartbroken to see for myself what was taken. But, as circumstances would have it, the mandatory Continuing Legal Education program I'm missing a few hours of will be held in BC in October, and there's no earlier offering in Manila. And so, I'm going back to BC - with a new frame of mind. I'm no longer in search of a new perspective...but I do miss the peace and the pine trees. So BC, here I come.

Lost Links

I lost my old templates (go figure) and had to replace them...in the process, I lost all my links to friends' blogs and pages. Will reconstitute them as soon as I find the time to tinker with the template settings. Sigh.

Big Promises

One of the biggest things I got in the Bangkok Intensive was to make BIG promises. A particularly compelling conversation was about not being afraid to give your word to a big promise - after all, the value of a promise is to pull one into action. Then, during a brief informal discussion over lunch, Nui told me, "create a big quota!"

Playing safe isn't really my style, but I've still been a little too cautious to really risk too much. After Bangkok, I began to promise BIG-ger...with amazing results. I've taken the "big promise" game into certain areas of my life (in my leading, for instance - I promised 50% effectiveness where I used to promise 30%, and I got 67%!!), and so far it's produced breakthrough results - bigger than I expected!! I expect it to work wonders in the new game we created for the practice (it's already yielding amazing returns with all the new openings for action - and to think the game plan commences in October!), and I'm going to take it into all areas of my professional life (and perhaps even into my personal life, as soon as I determine what "quotas" are appropriate in that domain!).

Promise BIG. This life's too magnificently blessed to play in the minor leagues.

Butterfly

Biologists studying the caterpillar and the butterfly were amazed to find that the dissimilarity between one and the other: there was nothing in the biological make-up of either one that remotely related it to the other. It was as if they were two distinct organisms. Upon closer study of the caterpillar, however, it was discovered that a new kind of cell starts to appear - a cell that carries with it the image and possibility of "butterfly."

"The caterpillars new cells are called "imaginal cells". They resonate at a different frequency. They are so totally different from the caterpillar cells that his immune system thinks they are enemies . . . and gobbles them up - Chomp! Gulp! But these new imaginal cells continue to appear. More and more of them! Pretty soon, the caterpillar's immune system cannot destroy them fast enough. More and more of the imaginal cells survive. And then an amazing thing happens! The little, tiny, lonely imaginal cells start to clump together, into friendly little groups. They all resonate together at the same frequency, passing information from one to another. Then, after a while, another amazing thing happens! The clumps of imaginal cells start to cluster together! . . . A long string of clumping and clustering imaginal cells, all resonating at the same frequency, all passing information from one to another there inside the chrysalis.

A wave of Good News travels throughout the system - Lurches and heaves . . . but not yet a butterfly.

Then at some point, the entire long string of imaginal cells suddenly realizes all together that it is Something Different from the caterpillar. Something New! Something Wonderful!! . . . And in that realization is the shout of the birth of the butterfly!

Since the butterfly now 'knows' that it is a butterfly, the little tiny imaginal cells no longer have to do all those things individual cells have to do. Now they are part of a multi-celled organism - A FAMILY who can share the work. Each new butterfly cell can take on a different job. There is something for everyone to do. And everyone is important. And each cell begins to do just that very thing it is most drawn to do. And every other cell encourages it to do just that.

A great way to organize a butterfly!"

- Norie Huddle, Butterfly

Send Me To The Nations

It's kind of funny how things went full circle.

A year ago, I remember giving my friend Alan all sorts of excuses for not registering into the Landmark Forum. One favorite was, "but Alan, this is the money for my US trip!"

And he said, very sagely, "You can have the Landmark Forum AND your US trip. And even more." I wanted to slap the smile off his face, but I'd seen something I wanted badly to resolve, so I paid up.

Fast forward to a year later. Over dinner at a new Foundation I'd been invited to join, my seatmate engages me in conversation. She says she's been to an Introduction to the Landmark Forum but hasn't registered. I ask, why not? She's going to the US, she says, and to Japan soon after, and won't have any money left over afterwards.

So I take off on my share.

I was in the very same space in mid-August of 2006 - plus I was seeking direction (while not letting anyone on to it). And, miracles of miracles, not only did I get my family, my practice, and my LIFE back during my Landmark Forum, but I also got my US trip last July (more than three weeks of pure R & R), AND got to travel more in less than 12 months than I'd ever traveled in my life: China, twice! Japan. Palawan. Singapore. And, next week, Bangkok; Cebu in October; and the US again in December. Plus, opportunities have opened up in business and the practice that will have me once again traveling abroad, more often than I ever expected.

The Landmark Forum was the best-ever adventure I'd ever taken on - so good that I took on completing the whole Curriculum for Living, through which I found and now am able to live my purpose in life - God's purpose for me all along. The fringe benefit is that I get to satisfy my wanderlust, in a surprisingly effortless manner.

Once upon a time, I prayed to God in song, "send me to the nations." And He has. :-) I'm assured He will continue to do so. Amen!

Singapore

Off in a few hours. And I have another overseas trip lined up two weeks from now, to a favorite destination, but, unlike other "business" trips in the past, I don't feel the urge to "play" on the side. Perhaps it could be chalked up to being intentional, but I think that I've begun to actually consider these "working" trips as PLAYING trips that don't need any added extraneous activities to balance them off. Hmmm...or at least, with the company I'll be keeping, there'll be no locking myself in the hotel room with the cable TV running during the off-hours.

Off It

What would it be like if you could get off your point of view about something and totally shift your perspective, seeing what's happening with a new set of eyes?

Tonight, I got "on it" for longer than it normally takes me - making myself wrong with the whole internal "shoulda coulda woulda" conversation and mentally beating myself up for a few minutes of not doing what I knew to do. Formerly, this kind of breakdown would be something I couldn't live with; I'd always strived for a degree of excellence in everything I knew I did well, and if I knew I couldn't make the grade in any endeavor, I'd inevitably give up and turn my attention to something else I knew I could really excel at. Take sports, for instance - I knew I couldn't hit, catch, or volley a ball to save my life, so I totally gave that up and turned my attention to other things I was "better" at. Or Math, which I thought I could never figure out. And thus I did really well in English, the creative arts, History, debate, Biology, languages, extra-curriculars...everything else. Looking back, it was all a compensation - a cover-up - for the stuff I'd failed at, for everything else I wasn't good enough to do.

But that was all inside a lie I'd convinced myself to believe. I wasn't a total failure at sports - I excelled in swimming, soccer, social dance (heck, ballroom dancing is some kind of sport nowadays). And later on was at the top of my scuba diving class (psi computations and all, so I couldn't be a total numbskull at Math). Come to think of it, I had high marks in Statistics and Geometry, so I couldn't really play dumb in the mathematical arena.

So it was all really an internal conversation I had with myself about what I wasn't "good enough" at. Today was a prime conversation about the "games" I thought I'd never win. I dilly-dallied for a couple of weeks about coming up with a business plan/financial structure for the publishing arm of the media company I'm a part of. My excuse was that my experience with publishing was purely creative and editorial and I had no clue about how the business and marketing aspect of it was about. Yet, presented with a whole new "game" - creative outsourcing - a revolutionary new idea my team had been toying with the last several months, I got totally pumped up about coming up with the very same requirement of a business plan in only three days. After all, it was a game I'd never played before (no internal conversations of how "cumbersome" or unprofitable such an operation would be). And I know I can get in all on paper in a few hours . (Or request an expert to do it. Thanks, Lex!)

Those internal, invalidating, disempowering conversations can really limit possibility. After those 30 agonizing minutes of castigating and emotionally throttling myself for being "less than excellent," I got off my point of view that I was "bad and wrong" and actually got back into who I was as a possibility and what I was committed to. And a beautiful, miraculous space emerged - something I would not have been present to if I'd insistently stuck to my perspective. Results-wise, the numbers went off the charts, despite (or perhaps because of?) the breakdown.

Getting off hard-and-fast points of view can mean an alteration of the quality of one's life. Giving up the view that your mother is unsupportive and hypercritical and taking the perspective of love and concern can actually transform your listening of the seemingly hurtful "that was nothing!" to the genuine intent of "that was nothing, compared to what I know you can do!" Giving up your point of view of a loved one, who you once perceived as a loser who doesn't appreciate you, leads to the realization that he's actually hungry for your love and acts out to get your love and attention. Giving up your point of view that someone is being harsh, unreasonable and pushy in getting you to do what you ought to do, all of a sudden has you get how much they love you and how they only want the best for you, and what they really want is for you to see how much further you can expand and how much better you can be (even if you can't see it for yourself).

I've been "getting off it" lately with some amount of velocity, and I'm thankful for not having to stew and gripe for long periods of time. When I'm "off it," the world stops being about ME - and I get present to what's really possible. I get present to grace - the miracle of every moment that I am alive, and the miracle of every person around me. Who knows, I might actually volley a ball, with some success, or solve a complicated Math equation off-the-bat, any time soon!

Grace

Last Tuesday evening, the world came a little more alive.

In a space of community and possibility, 46 people became present to miracles - but not as we commonly understand miracles to be. Water was not changed into wine, no seas were parted, snow did not fall from the thunderclouds of Manila. Still, lives were altered permanently through a profound, unforgettable conversation.

We may live our entire lives without witnessing manna fall from heaven or seeing a dead person raised back to life. Then again, to my mind, that's one way to define the experience of Tuesday: the dead were in fact given life. Burdens that had been carried for decades, emotional hurts calloused over through the years, resentments, frustration, struggle - all were lifted in that one evening and continued to be released in the days that followed. Reports of miracles came back to us, left and right - and I remain in awe of what is possible when humanity is freed of the shackles it binds itself with. The dictionary defines a miracle as "such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God." And yes, God was truly present as the space created by releasing months, years, lifetimes of struggle allowed the miracle of love to take place.

The heart of the conversation was the distinction GRACE - the realization that our life is, and always has been, a miracle. All the ordinary moments of it. And when we really get that, how we see and live our lives, from then on, will never be the same.

I don't believe in coincidence. Today, just before I spent a few ordinary, miraculous moments with friends, I wandered into a book sale and quickly picked up a couple of books to read over the long weekend, hardly browsing through what they were about. It was only a few minutes ago that I saw that one of the books, by Marianne Williamson, was exactly what I've just been writing about. It's about "having hope, finding forgiveness, and making miracles." The title? Everyday Grace. No coincidence indeed. :-)

God bless the miracle of your life.

Conversation

There are many things that I am passionate about: travel, law, cinema, writing, my country. But lately I've been reflecting on what it is I'm passionate about the most.

I came up with one thing: CONVERSATION. I'm most passionate when I'm IN a conversation, especially a really good one. I just got off the phone after two hours of coaching and conversation with a relatively new friend, and when he thanked me for my time, I thanked him even more.

For after every conversation, I end up so enriched and expanded that I am not the same person I was before the interaction. No wonder that the people I consider my best friends are all masters at this art: I can spend hours, until the sun rises, in conversation with them, never running out of anything to say, even if I've known some of them for decades. The men I've been most attracted to have always engaged me in great, endless conversations - and those who I thought were initially attractive eventually turned out to be huge disappointments when nothing insightful, creative, or remotely relevant came out of their mouths (what a waste of saliva). I've distinguished that I can actually generate rich conversations with the most unlikely people - strangers on the bus, train, or plane; little children; lost youth living on the street - and I've always ended up being fascinated beyond my wildest expectations.

What I most love are conversations for transformation - those which open up new possibilities and avenues for action. Which is probably why I've always preferred arbitration and compromise over hard-core litigation. Both parties always end up winners after conversations for possibility, and those are the kinds of conversations I'm committed to forward.

So talk to me. I've always got something to say, and I'm always more than ready to listen.

Permission To Be Upset

I got a big distinction today that really freed me up. I'd always related to an "upset" as something that SHOULDN'T BE - after all, I have all the distinctions and have practiced them pretty well; I'm transformed AND a leader of the work of personal transformation; people actually come to me for coaching to get them off their upsets - therefore I shouldn't be upset. Sure, I've gotten upset a few times over the last year and gotten off it with velocity, but it was a state of being I resisted like the plague.

Until last Saturday, right at the beginning of a big event, when I got upset and didn't even realize it. It wasn't a big upset, but it got uglier the more I suppressed it. First, my legs cramped up and the pain got so excruciating that I had to sit down and hand off part of the presentation to my co-lead. Then my voice went - in the middle of speaking in front of more than 50 people! Thankfully, I made it through, produced effective results, and didn't think much about what happened...until I had "what happened" and "what I made it mean" distinguished later that evening.

I unknowingly created an internal conversation that I wasn't being supported (my interpretation of a single experience that very quickly got "validated" as the afternoon went along), and as I couldn't express it while in front of the guests, it somehow manifested physiologically - both through the pain in my legs and my voice. Since I'd been perfectly fine an hour before the event, it all made sense.

I thought I was off it completely until today, in conversation with a good friend and coach, I saw that I was still really upset. My voice hadn't returned, so there still was something I wasn't communicating. And she said something that powerfully freed me up: give yourself permission to be upset.

What?! I'd thought an upset was something that I shouldn't allow to happen - I actually hadn't been giving myself permission to be upset or to even acknowledge that I was being upset. But how could I even begin to "get off" being upset if I never acknowledged it?

It made perfect sense. I'd been stifling my upsets all this time, until the BIG one last Saturday reared its ugly head without my permitting myself to be present to it. So I cleaned that up today, with someone I'd actually been upset with during the event, and, weirdly enough, for the second time in the last two days (I'd earlier expressed my withheld communication to a couple of other people) my voice actually started to come back in the course of the conversation! How freeing it was to actually say that I got pissed off by my interpretation of how he was occuring to me and to actually own and be responsible for my upset! And to finally, completely get off it, in the course of five minutes.

Now that I've given myself that grace, that permission, I can acknowledge that I AM being upset about something else: a certain expectation I've been denying (to myself) I harbored. I can now own and be fully responsible for that, now that I've seen that I'd been relating to circumstances as "this shouldn't be!" By choosing, not resisting, it, I can really "get off it." And create anew :-)

Thank God for access to that freedom, for the liberation from the crippling restraints of fallen humanity that keep us from being who He created us to be. For how can we be loosed from the chains that bind us, if we don't even acknowledge that they're there? It was no coincidence that the reading for that fateful Saturday is one of my favorite verses, from 2 Corinthians 4 (6-18):

"For God who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to bring to light the knowledge of the glory of God on the face of (Jesus) Christ.

But we hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us.

We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.

For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since, then, we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed, therefore I spoke,' we too believe and therefore speak, knowing that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and place us with you in his presence.

Everything indeed is for you, so that the grace bestowed in abundance on more and more people may cause the thanksgiving to overflow for the glory of God.

Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal."

What's Your Day Like?

"So what's your day like?" asked Lex on his way out, after picking up the keys to the "new Center" (semi-long story).

My Saturday schedule was full and in existence, and did not include spending the morning cleaning up the old space and moving stuff to the new one (somehow his question got me suspicious - sorry for my interpretation, dude!). "It's my parlor day, then I'm going to dinner, then meeting Miles for drinks." (Intention thwarted, mwaha!)

I then very quickly fell out of integrity by dozing off for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon (remnants of jet lag and the very late post-leadership program session), only to be jolted awake by the sublime possibility of a decadent day of pampering at my favorite salon with my favorite team of beauty experts. My late arrival (properly acknowledged and apologized for) didn't seem to make their familiar welcome any less warm - in fact, all of them were up-to-date with the goings-on in my life...perhaps a little too updated (responsibility goes to Johanna, dear sister-in-arms and fellow salon habitue). And so the little pleasures of spending several hours with Bambi Navarro and his staff, whom I hadn't been with since my last session in May, ensued - pleasures denied whenever I'm out of the country for extended periods of time, head-to-toe treatment for less than $50 (plus an environment effervescent with flattery and healthy gossip, hee hee), the works! Double yum.

Sufficiently made beeeeyootiful again, I was then ready to meet up with a really beautiful person whom I love dearly - my sorority sister Marivic, my Paris companion and fellow travel-holic. It was hard to imagine that it had almost been five years since we last met up in person, and yet we'd kept in communication over time and it was just a matter of catching up. The bonus is that we finally got to create travel plans we'd been talking about for years - Europe and South America (a whole new plan in itself), here we come!

To cap off the evening, my best gal pal Miles and I (Ney missing in action, par for the course) had a couple of bottles of wine at a new tapas bar she'd wanted to check out, with, as always, a side of great conversation about life, love, and men (I guess Ney's absence was propitious after all!). My friendship with Miles has spanned more than 20 years, and yet our conversations never, ever run out of steam. Just like with my salon team and Marivic, I hadn't seen Miles for some time, and yet we very easily picked up where we left off. Separation from someone you love, as I was just reading in a book about relationship, is the opportunity to pursue your individual adventures in life, such that when you're together again, the foundation of your relationship is ever more strengthened and enlivened by each other's contribution. And I was truly contributed to (and vice versa, am pretty sure of that, heh heh!). A little giddy from the wine and wonderful conversations and realizations, I went to bed extremely, profoundly grateful.

So what was my day like? Pretty darned awesome, Lex, and very much blessed. :-)

The Spaces In Between

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Afterglow and Fore-ward

The last few days have been an ebb and flow of riot and relaxation. I had a sense that my vacation was at its end last Sunday when I got off the plane, assaulted by the wave of heat and humdity and the throngs of joyous arrivals and greeters at the airport. I was home, back on familiar territory, back to the myriad commitments and concerns.

Not that it's an unpleasant experience - on the contrary, home was powerfully calling me back even as I stepped into the departure lobby a month ago. The cycle of completion and creation is exhilirating, as there is always something newly in place in the future that gets one going. The thrilling uncertainty of "what's next?" propels you out of bed in the morning (even while on a "break" from a familiar lifestyle), and dancing with the unknown creates enlivenment of mind and spirit.

My body clock is still shot - early to rise, early to bed, and an untimely experience of exhaustion at hours I'm usually at my peak - but I'm grateful for the slack in schedule I've enjoyed this first week back home. I've managed to put the new commitments I've taken on in place, while still taking time-off to get acclimatized to the old time zone. I'm beginning to build a schedule from scratch - getting back into the games I'd taken time off from and starting new ones - and have been pleasantly surprised to find that I have time in the next few days to spend with important people in my life, whose company I'd missed in the past several months of completing all the commitments I'd made. And I'm excited to have even more conversations that will create possibilities anew. Bring 'em on!