Amazing Space

Balikbayan Bruises

2011-03-26T18:36:00.004+08:00

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I espied a peculiar sight. A series of bruises was beginning to develop on my right thigh - emerging newly like juvenile volcanic islands after a major tectonic incident.

Somehow I expected them to be there, but the actual sight itself was still an occasion for wonder, especially since my skin is as thick as a carabao's, and very rarely ever shows signs of maltreatment or mishandling. But lo and behold, it looks like I have succumbed to an acute case of:

Balikbayan bruising. A type of relatively minor haematoma of tissue caused by internal bleeding into the interstitial tissues, usually initiated by blunt trauma, which causes damage through physical compression and deceleration forces. Trauma sufficient to cause balikbayan bruising occurs from a wide variety of situations including: heavy lifting of overweight suitcases onto weighing scales (and exertion from repacking of excess cargo onto carry-on luggage) prior to baggage check at the airline counter, jostling to get ahead of the airline queue at time of boarding, muscle exertion in storing previously mentioned carry-on luggage (now weighing 90 lbs. or more) in the overhead bin (and subsequently retrieving it upon deplaning). Note that snatching cumbersome suitcases/balikbayan boxes from the baggage carousel does NOT count - for a tip of US$1 (or less, for regional flights), Manila airport personnel would be more than happy to suffer on your behalf.

More on the subject in subsequent ruminations. TTFN!

Another epiphany on footwear

2011-03-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

While shoe shopping:

Flats are comfortable, but are hideously unattractive. Heels make me look good, but end up being insufferable after a short time.

There's an analogy in there somewhere.

Back to the Basics

2011-03-01T16:47:00.002+08:00

Wow - has it been 2 years since last entry? I should stay in a little more. And write.

What Happened

2009-05-05T01:07:00.003+08:00

I got something hilarious this evening just as I was about to leave the Center. Today, I created the possibility of "being Pacquiao" - especially since I was to give a short motivational talk before more than a hundred agents of PruLife UK - of being heroic and a global champion, just like good old Manny. Tonight, I just started laughing out loud at how that had been realized, literally. Bloodied knees, torn garments, left hand out of commission - I look like I just came out of the boxing ring. Then again, Manny emerged from his latest bout unscathed, which is more than I can say for myself. But it was funny, nonetheless.

So here's what happened. I let my guard down a little during a meeting in front of Som's near Rockwell. And opened myself to a one-two of a brazen thief - he walked up, approached our table, and just grabbed what was on it: one, my wallet; two, my personal cell phone and the Center mobile assigned to one of the Course Supervisors I was meeting with. It was so surreal: he just walked up as if he knew us, and I even remember smiling at him, as if to ask him how we could help him - and off he went with his loot, and on his companion's motorcycle. With another motorcycle as back-up.

What happened next was a surprise, even to myself: I immediately gave chase. Footwear flying, running barefoot at top speed on the asphalt pavement, and falling flat on my face like an uncoordinated two-year old learning to walk. Twice. And yet, at one point, even on those bikes, I almost had 'em. Coach Tito (my running coach who I've stood up for many months) would have been proud.

In retrospect, it really wasn't worth the effort - all they took from me was a mobile phone that had seen better days and was very nearly due for replacement (plus it was a Globe phone that was remotely disabled upon my report, take that!), and a wallet that had about PhP3,000 plus $10 and Y100 plus of course credit and ATM cards (all duly cancelled by now) and my driver's license and IDs. In exchange, I sustained damages to my two favorite pieces of clothing - my blouse got ripped at the shoulder, my pants now have holes where the knees used to be. Plus my watch got broken, with the time stopping at the exact time I fell down: 6:54 p.m. My pedicure is ruined. And then there of course is the matter of physical injuries and the accompanying public humiliation (thank goodness I no longer really care about what anyone thinks). I can only fantasize about the charges I could file.

But oddly enough, once I had fully discharged my upset during the whole pursuit (screaming "Magnanakaw! Magnanakaw!" at the top of my lungs and getting the whole neighborhood into the streets had quite the cathartic effect), I then immediately went into handling the cancellation of all accounts that would potentially exacerbate the gravity of the impact - the mobile number and the phone (just in case the thief had the temerity to make some long distance calls on my account), credit card, ATM. Then I attended, with the kind assistance of the people in the Center, to the wounds of battle, and got in communication with the office, the people I had meetings with tomorrow, and my Mom.

Quite a big difference from one of the first times I was similarly "victimized" years ago - when someone broke into my car, stole my stereo and a whole lot of (my best) clothes. At the time I was fuming, murderous, and inconsolable for days. So too when someone keyed my car a few years later, and, even while at the time I already had Christ in my life, I so badly wanted the offender DEAD. Yet today, even though I came face-to-face with the criminal, I still cannot find it in my heart to hate him/them. Yes, I was pissed at the hassle and at why people have to resort to such criminality, but it no longer is personal.

It's not a personal affront against them - I started to think what kind of view of life has people like these thieves decide to take on this kind of life. Do they have children whose hunger is fed by the fruits of their fathers' crimes? Do I stand beside them at Sunday Mass, do they engage in acts of penitence come Holy Week to absolve themselves of their earthly transgressions? Do they get to sleep soundly at night? Do they experience joy in their lives? And would I, given how the world occurs for them and all their experiences, do the same had I seen the world the same way?

It's not a personal affront to me - I just happened to be there at the time, it could have been anyone. I'm not beating myself up for being stupid or less cautious or for whatever was taken from me.

On the drive home (illegal, I should acknowledge, as I had no license on me), I had Don Moen on the CD player. He sang, "forgive our sins, and heal our land...we long to be in Your presence once again." And then I really GOT that part of the Lord's Prayer that says, "forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." I have no right to condemn, or to pass judgment on those who may have "erred" against me. Heaven knows how much I have erred against so many others - and, more importantly, against Him.

In the same manner, I have no right to condemn, or pass judgment against myself. As I forgave and prayed for those who took my stuff, I also forgave myself. And that had me be free, and carry on. Indeed, as one of my favorite Facebook applications aptly puts it: "The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer."

One last thing that has me empowered: what happened, happened to me such that it doesn't have to happen to anyone else. I can see a parallel to that in the faith I have chosen, albeit I went through so much less.

To end with a practical note - keep your valuable belongings close and out of sight, especially in public places like Algier Street where Som's is. Interrupt temptation; be watchful but not suspicious. And don't let any incidents like these lessen your faith in what is possible for us as human beings, for indeed, for anyone who has ever "wronged" us is, essentially, who we are in all our humanity. To paraphrase the old saying, "There go I."

Honey Oliveros...

2008-12-19T20:10:00.001+08:00

...is too busy living life rather than blogging about it!

Starting All Over Again

2008-10-12T21:29:00.006+08:00

No such thing as coincidence: I'm listening to "Starting All Over Again" (the original by Mel and Tim). I don't really subscribe to the drama and "effort" promoted by the lyrics, but the "starting over" part seems to be the theme of my last few days - starting over anew, on a fresh page, unencumbered by the past, that is. This last week has been filled with rediscovery of the wonder of the familiar, beholding Him making all things new (Revelations 21:1-5).

It all began when I took on something I thought I'd never be taking on again - accepting an accountability, in Landmark Education, I used to believe I'd "outgrown" (been there, done that, etc.) That opened up a space for me to take on other things in my life that I'd either given up on, set aside, or had been postponing for "someday, not now."

After 20 years, I'll be singing again onstage for the 25th year celebration of a college production that's grown to epic proportions since our days at the University of the Philippines. I'd relegated myself as a mere spectator and cheerleader after graduation, and I always thought I'd be satisfied back "in the stands." But I found myself stepping up once again, with that good old college performance experience mno longer just filed away in memory but made real. At least this time around, I can stay up at rehearsals without incurring the wrath of the parental units. Heh heh.

Also, after almost a decade of keeping to the sidelines, I've found myself back in the arms of my first love as a lawyer: litigation. Now that I've taken that on again fully, I get what I loved so much about it in the first place: the challenge of preparation and research, the gambit and strategic foresight, the intellectual stimulation and thinking on one's feet. It's what I'm best at, and I now can't even remember why I ever gave it up in the first place!

I'm also back in a personal "game" that I'll share about later - suffice it to say that I'd been in the "gallery" with respect to that area of my life for a good year or so. I didn't want to risk or confront anything that could lead to slightest hint of failure...but that's in the foreground again, and I'm playing full-out, on the court, from here on. Ha, as they say, intentions count for nothing; actions determine the outcome! I've also found that saying "yes" and giving my commitment, without having to think too long and hard about it ("Just do it!"), has opened up so much, so quickly - once I've given my word to something, the question of how I'm going to fulfill on it and make everything else work out becomes - for lack of a better term - incidental, and the challenge is transformed from "daunting" to "exciting."

In other areas, I've also rediscovered my love for cooking as an expression of my love for the people in my life, reestablished my connection with 70's soul music, reconnected with those most important to me, and rekindled old flames that I thought had gone out. Wink, wink.

I've found - and am continuing to find - adventure and newness in the familiar, and I'm loving it. I may be exploring "old" waters, but this time, with a beginner's mind - through which anything is possible. For indeed, I CAN do ALL things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13) :-)

The Great Barack Hope

2008-08-28T16:49:00.007+08:00

I caught the TV coverage of the Democratic National Convention today, and for some strange reason, I found myself in tears. During Bill Clinton's speech, no less. Weird.

So I took a look at why I was uncharacteristically moved, and I now know.

Clinton's magnanimous endorsement of the man, who, just a short while ago, had been fighting tooth-and-nail with the former First Lady for the Democratic nomination for the US Presidential race, was something new and outrageous - for me and my view of the political process, anyway.

I was moved by possibility - this outpouring of love and support for a former rival in a nomination bitterly sought - a possibility I have not ever experienced in the political processes of my own country.

It just goes to show how resigned and cynical I'd become by the political goings-on in the Philippines. My experience of it is that there is no loyalty to party or principle, only to individual interest; and if this had ever happened in the Philippines, Hillary would go on to form her new party and insist on running for President herself, hell or highwater notwithstanding. Which probably explains the proliferation of all of these Philippine political parties - the inevitable result of the phenomenon of a sore loser. Matalo, pikon.

But what if we just stood behind each other to have all of us WIN, instead of jockeying for first place? Now that's a possibility for Philippine politics.

And may I just say that I LIKE Barack Obama. One, for the words that come out of his mouth: words of possibility, not predictability. I think America needs that kind of buoyant spirit...heck, I think many nations, particularly my own, would benefit from that breath of fresh air. Secondly, I remain amazed at the possibility of "altering the conversation" - a conversation that once said that the earth is flat, that women could not vote, that a person of color could never, ever be President of the United States.

I trust that Obama will put his money where his mouth is; and if he does, he would be the shining standard for politicians around the world. The audacity of hope, indeed.

Blessings and Possibilities

2008-08-28T16:15:00.005+08:00

I'm writing from the lanai of my sister's new apartment, 26 stories up on Nuuanu Avenue, with the Honolulu harbor in full view. Aloha from Hawaii: I have arrived.

It's been almost six months since my last US trip, pretty much par for the course since I created this lifestyle possibility a couple of years ago - and to think that I'd been putting this off for a number of "convenient" reasons. Now, and especially since I completed reviewing the Landmark Forum last week, I really continue to get that anything is possible, by integrity in one's word and through the grace of God. I've had the opportunity to travel halfway around the world every six months since that particular possibility was created, aside from the shorter Asian and local trips in between. Yet part of the anxiety that overshadowed the excitement of flying off again came mostly from the past - uncomfortable flights, unfounded customs and immigration concerns (would they take my sister's tuyo and taba ng talangka away?), a ridiculous niggling fear that something - any little thing - would go wrong.

None of that happened - talk about the constraints the past imposes on our view of life! I was blessed with impeccable timing (the rains from tropical depression Lawin, which caused monumental traffic jams on the roads, hit Manila only a few minutes after I'd been dropped off at the airport); no heavy lifting of luggage (yay for friendly NAIA porters!); an empty seat beside me on the plane that had me sleep better and gave me easy access to the bathroom; the fastest and friendliest US baggage claim/immigration/customs procedure ever that had me in and out of Honolulu International in 15 minutes (!!). Plus all my other concerns I left behind are complete - the Advanced Course is in the best of hands, last minute law office work handled, personal and professional communications re pending matters communicated and addressed.

Which gave me enough space to indulge in a rare luxury I haven't experienced since leaving Chicago in March - an American cable TV marathon! Sigh. Praise God for His goodness and the miracle of breathers.

Will be getting off the couch and exploring the rest of Oahu tomorrow - and then there's Maui on the weekend! And then mainland US after that. Mahalo Lord, You make all this possible indeed. :-)

Diversionary Tactics

2008-08-05T23:18:00.005+08:00

I've been remiss in keeping my posts updated - it's been almost a month since I wrote anything...but I have a good, er, excuse. A couple of good ones, in fact.

First, I rediscovered fiction! And in a big way. I think law school and the legal profession snuffed out my passion for reading all things wild and wonderful, where for a few glorious hours I got to suspend disbelief (wait a minute, what am I talking about - some of the cases we had to read, heck, some of those I actually defended, bordered on the improbable). Anyway, somewhere along the line I stored all my fiction titles away - the murder mysteries, the trashy techno-thrillers, the heart-wrenching tales of life and love - and replaced them all with travel accounts, biographies, useful legal analyses of the system, metapyhsical treatises, inspirational books of faith and the Church, and (eek) business volumes.

How much fun was that?

And then, something happened. My Dad recently came home from the US with a couple of James Rollins books, which I ignored for a while. But curiousity got the better of me, and so I started to read, and read, and read... until I found that I couldn't stop. For the better part of a week I began to desperately binge on reading fiction like my life depended on it - I couldn't get enough. Rollins, Steve Alten, Javier Sierra, Raymond Khoury, Sam Bourne, Thomas Gifford, John Case, Dan Brown...and a little Mitch Albom for dessert (I went through one his books in a little more than an hour, while waiting to meet up with a friend). At the end of it all, I managed to read no less than 15 books in 7 days - pretty much a personal record of sorts. One of the best parts of it was that I got to read most everything for free, thanks to those online e-book exchange forums.

I'm still going through at most one book a day, but I think the "worst" is over. I've apparently satisfied an unconscious urge I'd been suppressing for a decade or so, and it looks like it's levelled off - for the meantime, at least (I'm presently downloading a few more titles discriminately picked out from a huge 2,000++ collection).

Ah, reading. The best diversion, ever (especially since I've not had any television for the last several months). Pass me that David Morrell, if you please.

Oh, and before I forget - I have a second excuse: I just celebrated another birthday among friends and family, so I was in the thick of preparations for that over the last few days (the annual party - the count was at least 70 people who came this year, a relatively small-ish crowd as a bunch of people didn't make it last Saturday - is my little way of thanking everyone for who they are in my life). While that was an awesome experience, I didn't get a single book as a birthday present. Oh well :-)

The Voice of Truth

2008-07-13T18:04:00.006+08:00

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

I heard this on the radio today: it reminded me of who - and Whose - I am.

The Voice of Truth (Casting Crowns)

Oh, what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory,"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
To have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
Of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again
"Boy you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory,"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory,"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are

Failure To Lunch

2008-07-09T01:02:00.002+08:00

I'm finally consolidating and updating my backlog of gastronomically related posts on a new site, Failure To Lunch. I've found that one of the best ways to diet is, oddly enough, to be constantly around food - preparing it, smelling it, cooking it, plating it, writing about it - at the end of it all, I'm vicariously sated without having to take more than a single bite. Enjoy!

Obstacles on the Road to Possibility

2008-06-24T16:33:00.004+08:00

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." - Henry Ford

The building where my office is doesn't have elevator muzak, it has elevator musings. I appreciate the efforts of the building administrator or whoever thought up this idea - instead of staring impatiently at the lift's floor indicator, we get to reflect on whatever words of wisdom happen to be posted on the panel. Or at least I get to.

Today's message made me smile; old dorky me and my "machinery" just got through of a couple of restless days of self-negation. The conversations in my head, while distinguished as mere conversations, were unforgiving: "You can't pull that off!"; "You failed at this-and-that in the past, what makes you think you can do this now?"; "Too many people are counting on you - do you really want to be responsible?" etc., ad nauseam! What I got is that all the internal dialogues were putting in place imaginary limitations and obstacles based in the past; and with all that past in my future, there was absolutely no room for possibility. I'd taken my eyes off the "prize" - what I'm committed to - and instead had focused a little too much on what was in the way of fulfilling on that.

As always, it took a conversation with another human being to sort that out - and it wasn't even a conversation about myself and what I'm dealing with. My law partner Kenneth and I had a profound discussion about God, His Church, and religion, and while I was doing most of the "distinguishing," I got something myself out of what I said.

One of Ken's questions was how to tell whether it's God who's "talking," or if it's just him having conversations in his own head. I don't where I read or heard this, but I've subscribed to the view that words that do not comfort are not from God. Now this has nothing to do with desolation or consolation in the Ignatian sense, or with conscience as Christianity knows it. What I'm talking about are the internal dialogues that disempower; that negate, diminish, or have us be less of the creations we are in His eyes. Those very conversations that I just had over the last two days: conversations of im-possibility, of incapacity, of smallness. Of shirking from one's own God-given greatness and of turning away from possibility. Of not trusting in His infinite power and in the miraculous.

Yeah, I got that. And I'm "off it" :-). To infinity and beyond...bring on the miracles, I'm ready for 'em!

Complete

2008-06-09T02:16:00.008+08:00

Yesterday, Sunday, was the final full day of the most recent Landmark Forum in Manila. Participants got THE conversation of the LF, the big kabaaaaammm! that ties it all together.

I had a little breakdown in my schedule early in the morning, so I missed Father Gregg Banaga's Mass for the participants and the assistants. I always love when either Father Gregg (President of Adamson University, and a former Introduction Leader of the LF) or Father Elis of the Salesian order celebrate Sunday Mass; they bring the distinctions of transformation so beautifully into the conversation of Christianity and the Church.

But anyway. As I'd missed the morning Mass, I went to the noon Mass at Sta. Maria della Strada instead, with the intention to have a revelation in my faith. And I did.

It wasn't earth-shaking or mind-blowing; rather, it came, as God often speaks, in a quiet whisper during consecration.

The Lord sees us with the eyes of a Creator who gave up His only Son so that our sins may be forgiven. He looks upon us not with revulsion or derision for our imperfections, but as the redeemed: unblemished, pristine, and as perfect as He created us in the beginning. For while we initially fell from grace, we, in His great plan, have all been cleansed by the blood of the Lamb.

Strangely enough, we are frequently less forgiving of ourselves than the Great Forgiver Himself. We oftentimes beat ourselves up, emotionally and spiritually, without regard to how He took the fall for our transgressions, and how He suffered and died so that we wouldn't have to. We get stuck in a world of making ourselves (and others) wrong, worrying about how our lives are going, figuring out where we've lost our way, without regard for what His passion and cross were all about.

And here is what I got: He, once and for all, on that dark afternoon on Calvary, healed our brokenness. He got us back to where we were as He intended us: whole, perfect, and complete. And for what? So we could be HIM in the world, to continue what He began - to have OTHERS recognize who they are in His eyes. Whole, perfect, and complete.

Yet when we "indulge" in our brokenness, when we dwell too long in "what's wrong with me?" or "why are things not going the way they should?," or "what does He really want me to do?" we are useless to Him and His plan. Our brokenness, blessed as it may be, keeps us from being there for OTHERS - from being there for and being Him to the flock He has entrusted us to tend. Our world becomes all about us as our individual selves, and not about Him - He who is in our neighbors and in the world as He is in us. Ironically, it is, the giving of ourselves to others - the outpouring of who and what He has blessed us with - that has us have the experience of being COMPLETE.

I am reminded of my earthly hero, Mother Teresa, and her dark night of the soul, which lasted for decades. Despite her inner turmoil, she gave of herself to the world, without shutting herself out or retreating from what she was called to do. And the Lord's work was done through her, and continues to be done, many years after her death. She touched, healed, and comforted countless lives without succumbing to the temptation to withdraw, fix, or figure it out before moving along.

We are, indeed, jars of clay that contain a great Treasure. While we are easily broken, through every crack and shard the magnificence that is within shines through. Our job is not to patch up the pieces and keep the container intact. Our mission is to break ourselves open, completely, so that the glorious Presence within finally, and perfectly, is released to illuminate all the world with His Light.

Amen.

Walk, BC, Walk!

2008-06-03T14:35:00.003+08:00

Good old BC has a plan, and I'm loving it already. I've always held that the streets of Baguio City were made for walking :-)

BAGUIO CITY – An energy-saving campaign designed to eventually rid this mountain resort city of cars and other motor vehicles for six days a week began Monday with a walk.

About 200 local officials, employees and residents walked to work as their share in efforts to conserve energy, cut fuel consumption, and protect the environment.

Mayor Reinaldo Bautista Jr., Rep. Mauricio Domogan, Laoag Archbishop Ernesto Salgado, Bishop Carlito Cenzon and other local government officials walked to Burnham Park alongside government workers, teachers and their children for a flag-raising ceremony that launched the "Walk Baguio Walk" energy-saving campaign.

Read the rest of the article here.

Happy and Gay

2008-06-01T22:44:00.009+08:00

I was 16 when a friend of mine "outed" himself to me. I can still remember the moment clearly: we were on the couch of my living room, there was a party going on, and he said to me, very seriously and from out of the blue, "Honey, I'm gay."

My response? "Oh, okay."

That was a first of many "outings" of male friends throughout the years - some, like the first, came out of left field; others met a reaction of "well, duh." And some never felt the need to say anything at all - it was a foregone conclusion that we didn't feel the need to discuss.

But I should say that I'm somewhat of a clearing for open admissions of sexuality, albeit that majority have not out-ed themselves to the general public. I guess it's mainly because I'm not one to condemn sexual preference, and also because I always react with, "Oh, okay. One more San Mig Light?"

The revelations have ranged from up-front admissions (often with some initial trepidation on the "admittee's" part) to phone conversations to outright confrontation (always gentle and non-accusatory, of course). And to the last person, every single admittee has become (if they weren't already) a great friend. Some have even introduced me to other gay friends who became great friends without the uncomfortable question of "is he or is he not" hanging in the background; there were even a few times when I was the only female in a big gathering of homosexuals, many of whom were still in the closet - and they were free to BE.

Now, my mother likes to explain away my civil status with the hypothesis that most of the men I hang out with are interested in other men: "Ayan, bakla na naman kasi ang kasama mo!" Which, I should say, is not entirely true (and I also say this for the benefit of my heterosexual guy friends who may be inaccurately branded). I have an equal proportion of straight and gay buddies, but I guess it's the gay guys who create a lasting impression (especially around Mummy). And because they tend to "come out" of the woodwork around me.

Which is just fine with me. I've wept with them over their heartaches, pretty much like I've done with my female friends (or even more so - my girl friends are a hardy bunch). I've listened to their sexual shenanigans in great detail (very few straight men friends dare to even discuss that, much less female friends). I've heard all about their struggles with their preference, and even seen many of them through the suffering - the key to which being, a non-judgmental "oh, okay." And my relationship with gay men has even honed my finely tuned "gay-dar" - which, unfortunately, only seems to work on Asian men. I've had to consult the experts (i.e., my gay friends) on the disputable gender orientation of certain men of other races, particularly Caucasians. But still, I'm never ever surprised by revelations of sexual orientation. All together now: "Oh, okay."

My gay friends are wonderful human beings, with their own trials and triumphs. They are amazingly self-expressed around me, and fondly affectionate - I wouldn't allow many straight guy friends to be so outrightly cuddlesome. I would however, walk hand in hand with a gay friend in the mall without worrying about what anyone would think (and many of my gay friends are HOT male specimens, so that's added value, even though imaginary haha). Speaking of which, some of them have been mistaken by other people not in the know, as my current beaus...if only other people knew what I do! When we're whispering into each other's ear, it's not sweet nothings - we're just talking about the cute guy across the room and making bets as to which gender he prefers.

So anyway, here's to my gay friends, in the closet or out. I love you all, you're blessings in my life - but heck, let me find Mr. Right without your getting first dibs! Mwah :-)

P.S. I've also had some amount of female gay out-ings in my life, but not as much. At least they're not competition. :-)

The Difference Between Men and Women

2008-05-29T00:25:00.006+08:00

I'm pretty blessed to have as friends a variety of the most amazing human beings who have ever walked the planet. In fact, at one point a couple of years ago, I even wondered, what did a loser like myself do to deserve friends like this? Turns out I wasn't such a loser after all. :-) Like attracts like, amazing attracts fantabulous, so I'm no longer in the dark about it. Ha ha!

But anyway. I've been looking at my relationships with these wonderful friends of mine, and distinguishing the dynamics that exist as regards my male buddies, as opposed to my female ones. Doing my personal version of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, so to speak. I shall do a whole entry on my gay friends (and they are many), but I may make reference to them as well as I go along (or not).

Women are Cheerleaders, Men are Naysayers. And it's no coincidence that my best guy friend's name is "Ney" (not just Ney but Ney!Ney!) My women friends egg me on, especially in relationships - some even see meaning and possibility where there is none. Not particularly helpful, especially in the realm of "experience" vs. "interpretation" - but I find it a uniquely female trait. Women will get kilig with you, and I've even had some female friends CREATE the experience of kilig FOR me: "Uuuuy why did he ask you this-and-that?" or "You're so bagay!" While all the time I'm going, duh? What happened? Sometimes I miss the ball that's coming straight at me - or even, the imaginary ball.

Men, on the other hand, will take on being devil's advocate, to the point of crushing every hope and dream and interpretation one harbors. I don't know if it's the challenge of it, but they will argue the other side of the coin, come hell or highwater. They will deconstruct everything that happened into just that - it doesn't mean anything until the guy in question actually declares it out loud and/or swears on a stack of Bibles. Not only that, even if he's done so, men will find something wrong about the other man in question, and ultimately say, as opposed to the women's "He's so great/perfect for you!!!," that "There's something wrong with him." For years, I've received a gamut of male comrade feedback that ranged from "He's not right/good enough for you," to "Bad idea," "He looks like so-and-so (insert negative caricature)," "I think he's gay,", "I don't like him." Take that simultaneously with women friends' rah-rah and you got a schizo in the making.

Women will laugh and cry with you, Men want to make it all better. The wonderful thing about girl friends is that they will listen, commiserate, be happy/pissed/sad with you, no questions asked.

Men will try to FIX whatever they think is going wrong, just so you don't shed another tear. The thing is, sometimes you just need a shoulder, not a handyman. I've given a few male friends lessons in saying "ah huh," "is that so," and "I'm sorry to hear about that" to the women in their life - but they've never quite managed to resist the urge. They just gotta be Mister Fix-It...and consequently have to bear the ire of whatever female is unburdening on them.

Women talk feelings and experience, Men talk shop. I've never been the kind of girl who goes into the restroom with a gaggle of other females and emerges an hour later. I go the bathroom to powder my nose or go pee, and I don't need an entourage or more than five minutes to accomplish that. I can talk to you about our dates or whatever else ails me, emotionally, much, much later. But if we're going out with our guys, I just wanna talk...with you and with them. Men don't feel the need to congregate in the confines of the little boys' room to dwell on whether their dates like them or not - I don't think they even dwell on that issue at all, in public. I've found myself, more than once, left with all the men - talking shop - while the women disappeared into the black hole of the loo; I've had to retrieve them more than a couple of times.

Women don't go out for a couple of beers, Men do. Most women, that is. Sometimes I just want to toss back a couple and have a heartfelt conversation over copious amounts of alcohol - but many of my women friends want coffee and cheesecake...neither of which are on my list of favorite things (caffeine and carbs, ugh!). Thank goodness my best female friend appreciates the soothing properties of alcohol, and indulges with me on many occasions. So does my best male friend - and a whole range of other guy friends who don't think anything of having several brewskies to end the night. I don't have too many girl friends who will do that with me, unfortunately.

Thus, the best evenings for me are with my two best friends - one male, one female - over a bottle of wine each, balancing each other's quirks out by imbibing sufficient amounts of booze, crying on each other's shoulders, and saying what's there without fear or favor. Sometimes the male tries to fix it and the females (myself included) are a little too accomodating, but everything all works out in the end.

Conversations with John

2008-05-28T22:40:00.015+08:00

Had a nice congratulations-for-passing-the-NY-Bar lunch with my good friend and business partner John today. I've written about him briefly before; he's the kind of guy who would have been my favorite guy classmate/seatmate/confidant in elementary school, except that he was my favorite guy classmate/seatmate/confidant in the Landmark Advanced Course (which, come to think of it, was almost like elementary school, without the childhood drama). Add relationship guru to the mix, and that's John.

I only get to see him infrequently, but each time, our breakfast/lunch conversation progresses from sometime business matters, his work, and Landmark kwento, to relationship - particularly, the state of mine. Other than my best guy friend Ney, who brings a whole different flavor to the "he said-she said" conversation (and who isn't quite the early morning/afternoon person), John brings the happily-married male perspective into clear daylight.

Yesterday, at another lunch with the girls, I firmly resolved to really put what I'm creating in a relationship at the foreground, instead of conveniently brushing it aside and concentrating on and doing well at the "easier" stuff (like career and everything else I'm up to). In the end, Miles said to just get off it (albeit in more graphic terms) and declare that I'm interested in this particular person I'm uncertain about (what's new? Sigh).

John has a different take on it. First off, he's met the guy and doesn't like him ("smart aleck" daw). Haha! That's what guy friends are for (well-meaning saboteurs! Women friends are so much more encouraging). Second, he says he's gotta be convinced that I'm reeeeeaaally in love with someone, as in with the whole experience of butterflies-in-stomach and pounding heart (as opposed to just being "interested"). Third - and he says he's pretty good at this - he offered me a prescription of what kind of guy I should be with.

According to him, the guy would be someone "on the court" - the basketball court, that is - rather than in his head; someone in action. So no uber self-analytical, introspective types. Someone who'd come back from his sport (or something - this is John's creation), and say, Come on, let's grab a beer (that part I like, hehe). And not always be asking to "analyze him" - except on occasion. Someone's who's smart without the aleck, is no pushover (I can push pretty hard), and who's ready to take on caring for me and the kids (that's good old forward-thinking John).

I kinda met someone like that not so long ago, but I let him "get away." John says for me to go get him back. In the meantime, he's on the lookout too, on my behalf, for a sport-playing, self-expressed, smart guy whom he can get along with. Wait a minute, I thought this was all about ME!

Wellness

2008-05-22T23:34:00.003+08:00

I'm OFF IT! The sickness, that is. Funny how a single conversation can spell the whole difference.

The symptoms I'd written about earlier went the congested-respiratory-system way. There was a heaviness in my chest, a general experince of malaise and unwellness, just not being OK, physically.

But trust my committed listener to get to the root of all this - of why I wasn't at full power, of what I'd been suppressing (hence the congestion), of why I wasn't completely alive and well.

In the course of the conversation, natumbok namin. Without getting into the details, I had myself BACK in possibility, fully enlivened, ready to take on the infinite. Healed, and complete. Praise God for providing that. :-)

I'm fully charged and ready to go! The lights of possibility are on and at full wattage. MERALCO, send me the bill!

Sick Day

2008-05-21T02:40:00.005+08:00

I'm declaring a sick day tomorrow. The symptoms of illness - which, I should say, I rarely encounter - are upon me: a weird stuck-ness in my throat, muscle aches, cotton in my head. It's still to early to determine which way they're going - be it a cough, colds, or the flu - but a dis-ease is brewing.

So what is up? I come from a family of physicians, so the logical explanation would be some virus attacking an immune system weakened by the weekend of strenuous travel and late nights. But I'm more interested in the ontological explanation of disease: mentally and metaphysically, physiology aside, what has my body experience this imbalance? After all, as Christ healed physical infirmities, he forgave the attendant sin and released the accompanying suffering. So there must be something there - we all probably know about how mental stress results in ulcers, insomnia, and skin disease.

One great resource is Louise Hay's Heal Your Body, which gets to the thought patterns that contribute to disease. I don't claim it to be Gospel truth, but it sure has hit the mark too often to ignore. So let's take a look at the possible sources of my impending illness/es:

Muscles (or the pains thereof) - Resistance to new experiences. Muscles represent our ability to move in life.

Colds - Too much going on at once. Mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts.

Coughs - A desire to bark at the world. "See me! Listen to me!"

Influenza - Response to mass negativity and beliefs. Fear. Belief in statistics.

Hmmm...at the moment, I can't pinpoint one or the other. But I guess I don't need to - I'll let the illness take its course, allow my body to heal itself, and continue to pray and distinguish what's with this gig. I'll be up and about on Thursday, but in the meantime I'm gonna crash and recuperate.

Whatta Weekend!

2008-05-20T00:53:00.006+08:00

Woke up today (Monday) at 11 a.m. after an awesome weekend. The adventure began early Friday morning with assisting in the Landmark Advanced Course, and continued throughout the afternoon drive up to Quezon with Bakang the balikbayan. Johanna couldn't make it until the next morning, so we ventured off on our own, neither of us knowing exactly where Quezon was (see earlier post about that quandary).

But we made it all the way to Lucena with nary a hitch, spared of the traffic that the earlier rains had brought. The signs just pointed the way, and we were pleasantly surprised, in the middle of a good conversation, to find ourselves right in front of the hotel. Yay!

The evening and the next morning were all about wedding preparations; while we're on the topic, I have a few words to say about preparations in general. Although I enjoy some amount of spontaneity in my travels, I'm still very much a planner when it comes to the essentials: tickets booked ahead of time, a fully gassed-up car that works, everything I need to pack, a place to stay. Gone are the days of just taking off and sleeping in the car or on the concrete of an open-air basketball court. And so, I'd naturally booked Johanna and myself a room at the Queen Margarette (silent, superfluous "te"), as recommended by Bogart. Bakang and another friend who arrived later that evening had not. Neither did some other guests who got into town only to find that there were no other rooms available. So my point is, adequate preparation saves the day and eliminates unnecessary suffering. Fortunately for Bakang and friend, the absent Johanna's bed was big enough for the both of them, and the room eventually accomodated all four of us the next night, so the boys didn't have to sleep in the bathtub.

Saturday afternoon was Bogart and Neren's wedding - a wonderfully moving ceremony attended by family and friends, many of whom had flown in from far away or driven the distance. The reception was of rockstar calibre, not surprising for Boging the rockstar personified! It was an opportunity to connect with friends we'd met throughout the years of jamming at Bogart and Bakang's apartment (many of whom I didn't recognize immediately in the finery of their apparel - and vice versa: "Honey, is that you? It's Honey, right?! We had some beers together on such-and-such date," and so on) and to create new ones. And so the drinking and the conversation went on throughout the eve and the night of the wedding...with and without the happy couple. This particular group of friends of mine is extremely musically inclined, so Bakang's new Suzhou-purchased acoustic guitar was put to good use.

The day after was a little more relaxed, with a lot less alcohol involved. We took a trip further down Quezon to Lucban for a nice seafood lunch, and headed back home to Manila, blessed with minimal traffic and great weather. For me, the evening was far from over as I went straight back to the Advanced Course afterwards...and I finally called it a wrap at 4:00 a.m. on Monday, happy and fulfilled.

Whatta weekend indeed, and what an incredible week that lies ahead!!

Whatta Week

2008-05-16T00:39:00.003+08:00

I don't think I've ever been more present to such a roller coaster ride of a week than I have with this one. One day I was up, the next I was swooping down, and at one precarious point, I found myself suspended in mid-air, belly-up, hanging on for dear life.

But the good thing about roller coasters is that they're just so much fun - downward spirals and all (because you always know that the next turn is even more exciting) and, so far, I've always made it out alive. The key probably is in not getting off before the ride is over. That, perhaps, would definitely have spelled doom.

At one point, I couldn't wait for the week to be over and done with and to move forward. It was just all about getting to the end in sight. But now that it's here, I'm going back on for another turn. Whoopee!!

Praise God!

2008-05-07T23:30:00.002+08:00

Praise God Almighty for possibility fulfilled...I just passed the New York Bar!

Thank you to family and friends for prayers, love, sourcing, and support. And thank you to Him from Whom all good things come :-)

Alleluia, praise the Lord! Wooohoooh, yehaa...

My Kingdom for a GPS

2008-05-05T11:30:00.005+08:00

Or, should I say, how to navigate my kingdom without one.

We're driving down to Lucena, Quezon next weekend for a good friend's wedding, and I have no idea how to get there. Well, that's a little exaggerated - I have some idea, but I'd only been down that road once sometime in the early part of the century, en route to see the whale sharks in Donsol. Plus Larry was doing the driving (and plotting the route to Sorsogon for future butanding seekers), so I didn't pay very much attention. I would ask him, but my human GPS is in NYC as I write so that doesn't work out for me too well.

I know Northern Luzon like the back of my hand, but Southern Luzon is a mystery to me. Which is pretty much to my own detriment, as I found that part of the country lovely in its own way and had promised myself long ago to go further down than my usual Batangas/Mindoro destinations. I'm finally keeping that promise, but how the heck do you get to Quezon?

Just take the Sto. Tomas road, and head on to San Pablo, said my Dad. Uh ok, thanks, I think. I gotta figure out where those places are first. Unfortunately, the Philippines has yet to develop a decent map engine, and I've yet to know about a local car GPS that can actually direct you to your destination. For now, the best we can do is rely on sites like waypointsdotph, or, much to my delight, multimap. Or, just like the olden days, stop every few kilometers and ask the locals to point us in the right direction.

Speaking of locals - wait a minute! I've overlooked something (a realization that hit me just when I was typing this). Johanna, who's making the trip down with me, is from the Bicol region in Southern Luzon herself, even further south than Quezon...so what the heck was I worried about?! Talk about a useless exercise in unnecessary aggravation.

But I still want that car GPS. Grrrrghh.

Only In Da Pilipins

2008-05-04T15:05:00.003+08:00

Muhuhaha...haylaveet!! (from Facebook's Funny Pinoy Signs)

Movie Marathon

2008-05-01T22:13:00.009+08:00

One of the perks of this created lifestyle is that I get to "earn my keep" in a lot less time than the usual workday/week, and do whatever else I choose for the remainder. Yesterday, after a short out-of-town meeting (and a very long wait in C-5 traffic), I motored home to do some serious movie marathoning.

My Dad had gotten me a new DVD player for Christmas last year, but it remained untouched until Wednesday afternoon when I ditched the old machine and set up the sleek, 1 1/2-inch, fresh-out-of-the-box one. I think the cinema craving was resurrected by an impulsive itch the other day to see Jet Li and Jacky Chan (two of my favorite actors) in The Forbidden Kingdom, an epic kung-fu movie (one of my favorite genres). Good thing Lex was up to an early afternoon viewing in SM North - perfect company, even if the popcorn/soda vendor slacked off and could not be found every time I slipped out to buy some munchies. Thank goodness for our Bread Talk baon.

Anyway, I began to go through my backlog of collected DVDs by putting on 638 Ways To Kill Castro. Love documentaries; this one was fascinating. You gotta root for the old socialist underdog!

That was followed by an old favorite - Akira Kurosawa's Dreams. I first saw it in 1990, with Ken and I think Emily, Doyet and Miles; and I remembered how much I loved it. Seeing it with new eyes 18 years later had me thinking that old Akira had a thing for aftermaths: environmental degradation, war, nuclear disaster... the film would have been, for the most part, better off titled "Nightmares."

I also saw another Kurosawa movie - Madadayo (1993). Loved that one too. It was also about aftermath, in a good way: the loving aftermath of a great teacher's career and the students who cared for him.

Next in line was the obligatory Hollywood movie - Little Miss Sunshine. I'd been meaning to see it for a while, but I always put it off...didn't regret seeing it. Had fun, it was cute. But I've not fancied American movies for a while, so it didn't quite rank up there.

I wanted to see A Day Without A Mexican again, but somehow the DVD didn't want to play, so I put on My Big Fat Independent Movie...and promptly fell asleep.

Today, I saw more Kurosawa - finally finished Ran (mad King Lear, shogun style), and am in the middle of Red Barber. I adore these flicks. Love Chinese kung-fu epics as much (got me a whole bunch of those tonight too). Catch y'all later.

My Way or the Highway

2008-04-28T12:19:00.005+08:00

"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything." - Charles Kuralt

I was a little disappointed to hear that the new Clark-Subic Expressway was closed during the weekend, and would only re-open today, April 28. My friend Neil had extolled the virtues of the new highway: it cuts down travel time from Bocaue to Subic Bay to a mere 30 to 45 minutes instead of the two hours it usually takes through several towns of Pampanga and Bataan. And so I was really looking forward to testing it out, only to have my intentions thwarted for the meantime.

But thinking about it this morning led me to the conclusion that I really wouldn't have it any other way. I'm a big fan of road trips, not so much those of the speedy highway variety, but those that take you through the sinuousities of whatever country you may be traveling in. One memorable motorist adventure was the 900+ kilometer weekend drive from Paris to Monaco: sure, we got to the South of France in record time, but really missed out on the French countryside. We compensated, much to our enjoyment, by taking the "scenic route" on the way back.

Just this year, a missed exit on the US I-88 had us fortuitously taking the state highways through Illinois instead - now this was a slice of Americana I wouldn't have witnessed if we'd gone on the road well-traveled. A trip up to upstate New York and all its scenic attractions was likewise off the beaten track - you won't find those quaint little local restaurants that serve fabulous food on the Interstate (unless Subway is your idea of quaint and fabulous).

Had we taken the Clark-Subic Expressway on this particular trip, I would have missed out on the mangoes of Zambales or the brownies of Floridablanca (I love making pasalubong stops). I also wouldn't have rekindled my relationship with Sting (favorite music to drive to on long trips) if the journey was short and quick. Or had the time to experience the calming yet unpredictable flow of the countryside, as opposed to the monotony of the freeway.

So, in the end, I actually wasn't disappointed that we had to take the long, familiar route. I wonder if I'll feel the same about the new Tarlac-Baguio City Expressway that they're just beginning to build - what, no more bagoong and Matutina stops in Pangasinan??!! (Echoes of the Tagaytay bulalo and coffee stops I've missed since they built the new Star Expressway to Batangas) The trade-off is that I'll no longer have to endure the tricyles, trucks, and Tarlac two-lane traffic...but I guess for now I'm happy enough to have the choice of taking the journey, or arriving swiftly at my destination.

Miracles

2008-04-21T22:54:00.004+08:00

A miracle, defined by the dictionary, is "an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause."

That's a little high-fallutin' for me, especially since I'm about to share with you a range of "miracles" that may or may not fit into the definition.

Today, I got present to the miracle of my career. Many of those close to me know that I'd given up the legal profession more than a few years ago to pursue other endeavors; heck, I was even in a magazine spread that extolled the choices of women as they changed horses midstream, so to speak. And yet, after going through all that drama, I am a lawyer in good standing before the Supreme Court and the Integrated Bar of the Philippines (took some effort to get me back on track), and God-willing, of New York State, and gosh darned, I'm proud of it. And of how I can make a difference knowing that don't have to "survive" (or bail out) to thrive in a purported sea of "sharks."

I got the miracle of conversation today. I spent half my day just talking with fellow lawyers, and later, with a client, as if the conversation would never end. Then, the rest of the day was spent in conversations with family, and with a number of remarkable individuals committed to have the miraculous happen in their lives. Despite the number of people I "had" to talk to, I kind of regretted that my last conversation (at 10:00 p.m.) had to end.

I also got present to the miracle of relationships. I am connected to the life force of the planet - the wonderful world of human beings - in ways that continue to astound me. The other night, I was in traffic - and a stranger of a street child (as opposed to the ones I've come to know over the years) started tapping on my car window for extra change. Since I started serving with the streetchildren's foundation, I've learned that a moment of relatedness and recognition produces more results than a perfunctory handover of coins - so I started a little pantomime with the kid. No, no money. No, no food on me right now. All I had was a big smile of acknowledgment - that met its counterpart. At the end of the exchange, I waved goodbye behind my tinted car window...and he did too, bless his heart, still smiling. I passed his way again the next night, through a green light, and he recognized me. God, I miss "my kids."

So those are some of my miracles to date. I should add one big one - the miracle of a highway built from Tarlac all the way to the foot of Baguio City - which I had hoped and wished and prayed for, and declared as a possibility almost two years ago, and which is going to be happening, finally (thanks Lex, for the heads up), without my having to do anything about it. Miracles abound, at every moment - but sometimes we just gotta get present to the moment and grab it for everything it's worth.

I'm ready for the next miracle...are you?

Love and light, peace and power to you always :-)

Tsinelas

2008-04-16T02:44:00.007+08:00

I recently read one of those tabloid articles "exposing" an unnamed actress for wearing her expensive shoes only when it was time to go on cam, and slipping back into tsinelas (best translated into English as "flip-flops") in between takes. The tenor of the article was deprecatory, as if it were belittling the poor celebrity for her inauthenticity in footwear.

Teka muna.

Whoever wrote that piece has obviously never experienced the discomfort of wearing - much less walking - in four-inch heels for an extended period of time. Designer shoes or not, comfort is almost always sacrificed for aesthetics: looking good weighs in more than feeling it. At least that's how I see it.

But nothing quite comes as close to the relief of slipping into comfortable footwear (which ideally approximates the pleasure of going barefoot) after several hours in killer shoes - it's akin to digging into a big meal when you're starving or making it to the john at the height of bladder overflow. It's the pinnacle of deliverance, sa totoo lang. And the most comfortable of comfort footwear is none other than the lowly tsinelas (a.k.a., beach thongs, slippers, ismagol sa Ilocano).

So pwede ba, knock it off with the bad tsinelas rap. I've half a mind to condemn you to a pair of Blahniks for the rest of your days - go walk the length of the Mall of Asia in those babies, if you dare.

If choosing tsinelas over Jimmy Choos were a crime, guilty ako dyan. I love how my murderous, mutinous, height-enhancing dress shoes complete my outfit when I'm standing still, but I'm not going to even venture crossing the street in them. So shoe me.

Postscript to Last Entry

2008-04-09T17:53:00.005+08:00

Here I go again!

I was just re-reading my last post (Wednesday Blogger, see below), when I GOT that I'd forgotten an area of my life that I always seem to conveniently forget. So this time, I'm going to give it an entry all its own.

I'm creating time to have that great relationship in my life - an honest-to-goodness, knock-your-socks-off, kilig-to-the-bones, loving, committed, for-keeps relationship. It's something that I've always said I wanted, but which always seems to slip my mind. Hmm...interesting. I don't know how that's going to happen, or where it's going to fit on my plate, but I'm just saying.

Looks like I'll have to get a great big serving platter for this one. :-)

Wednesday Blogger

2008-04-09T15:41:00.002+08:00

One of the biggest breakthroughs I got out of Landmark Education's Curriculum for Living has to do with my relationship to time and my schedule. A few years back, I remember having "no time" to do everything I needed to do: it was always a mad rush to get our of the house, to work, to meetings, through meals, and even vacations. There simply just wasn't enough time!

And then, sometime during the Introduction Leaders' Program, I got that I could run my schedule, instead of it running me. That shift in perspective had me do a whole lot of things I'd previously professed I never had the time to do: take on more projects at work, create businesses, supervise programs and seminars for Landmark, attend trainings abroad, and even take vacations and three months off out of the country to review and take the NY Bar Exam! (As a side note: I just found out yesterday that I passed the Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam - yahoo!)

It takes constant and continuous practice though, to manage everything on my plate (the key there is always getting a bigger one, instead of cramming stuff on top of each other). My expansion in that area hasn't gotten to the level of mastery yet, but as I continue to practice expansion, i.e., taking on more things instead of prioritizing or sacrificing, I've found that things are working; stuff is getting done.

These last few days, in particular, I've noticed that I've gotten to create a life of my own design - and everything "fits." Since I got back from the US, I've spent time in and out of town with old friends and my sorority sisters, had conversations towards creating (even more!) businesses, taken on new clients for the law office, all while leading Introductions to the Landmark Forum, managing the next seminar and the upcoming Advanced Course, and taking coaching calls/conversations throughout the day. Almost nothing has been compromised: aside from scheduled time with different groups of friends, I still get to have weekday breakfasts or lunches with my Dad, dinner with my Mom, drinks with my brother. Tonight, I even have time to accept my Dad's longstanding invitation to join his socio-civic organization, and, this weekend, I'll be going out of town for a little family summer outing (followed by another sorority shindig).

While my ever-expanding "plate" knows no weekends or weekdays or hours, I set aside one day to "chill" (in a relative sense). I created that on Wednesdays, I don't have to be anywhere in particular: I can work and take calls from home, do my beauty rituals, go to my Dad's evening meetings (or not). One area that I haven't gotten around to creating time for as of late is mission, and it looks like my plate is going to have to get a little bit bigger (Wednesday mornings and Saturdays are the days I'm designating for that).

And, as the title of this post indicates, Wednesdays are my days to blog; while I may put up the occasional post throughout the week, Wednesday is my designated day to update this page and unload my thoughts.

Blessed be God for schedules we get to create - hey, He got a whole lot done Himself in just six days! :-) " And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." (Genesis 1:31)

For Claire

2008-03-22T17:47:00.005+08:00

My dear friend Claire writes like a dream; not surprisingly, as she can carry on the most literate of conversations on life, love, and faith. One of her favorite subjects is the state of being single - also a subject of our numerous discussions over the years. Due to the "toxicity" of her schedule as a medical resident (newly graduated) and my frequent travels, we haven't had a chance to meet up for the coffee-and-conversation date we've been eternally planning, but I thought of Claire as I read this book over Good Friday (not exactly prescribed Holy Week reading!). The protagonists of How To Be Single: A Novel (Liz Tuccillo, 2008) are all single American women a little bit older than Clairebear (my age, for that matter), but their experiences are perhaps universal. The premise of the book, in fact, is just that: the narrator travels the world to seek out whether single women elsewhere have "got it figured out" (as far as she can tell, they haven't). Anyway, there are several passages that stand out, even out of the story's context, and I thought I'd share some of them here. For you, Claire, until we meet for that coffee and I can give you the book itself.

"The love of her life, the love of her life. As Alice took a shower, she realized it came down once again to one thing: What did she believe in? In other words, What kind of life did she want to live? Did she really think the love of her life was out there? Did she think it was wise to go back out into the wilds of being single just in the hope of finding him? What was she holding out for? As she toweled herself off, she realized that she didn't want to be the girl who refused to settle. She didn't want to be the girl who believed that life is short and it's better to be single and looking for the 'love of your life' than to just give up and settle. She didn't want to be that girl. She thought that girl was stupid. Naive. Alice liked being practical; she was a lawyer, so she preferred to be realistic. Waiting and searching for the love of your life was exhausting. It might even be delusional. Again, yes, she knew that some people win the love lottery and get to fall in love with someone who is also mad about them, and their life together is harmonious and filled with love. But she didn't want to be the girl who stubbornly held out for what might never come.

She sat back down on her bed, wrapped in a little towel, and she began to cry. She started sobbing, her arms wrapping around her legs as she put her head on her knees and rocked and wept.

She realized she was that girl.

That girl who, at thirty-eight, couldn't give up the dream that she would meet a man who made her heart soar and that they would share a life together. She cried knowing it meant that she had to worry about whether she was ever going to start a family, that she would be thrust back into a world where nothing was guaranteed and all she really had was hope. She knew it meant that she would be single again."

Here's to not settling, Clairebear. :-)

Maroon to the Core

2008-03-22T14:47:00.005+08:00

My alma mater is celebrating its 100th year in 2008, and while I missed the kick-off festivities, I join in the revelry of the University of the Philippines' centennial. I'm a full-blooded Maroon, literally having spent almost the entirety of my academic life in the sprawling campus of UP Diliman (elementary, high school, college, law school - plus a stint doing my Masters' at UP Clark Air Base). It's therefore not surprising that I can sing U.P. Naming Mahal (U.P. Beloved) backwards, in both languages, in my sleep. My entire family is Maroon, and so are most of my oldest and dearest friends, as well as all the named partners of our law firm. Over the years, I've developed a ~~magnanimous tolerance~~ peaceful co-existence with non-UP grads, yet in my heart, U.P., for all its faults, will always be number one. Di rin magbabago ang damdamin, baby.

So as a personal tribute to the 100 years of the country's premiere institution of learning, I offer this...meme. He he. It's a little self-indulgent, but a nostalgic trip down 17 years in the State U is worth the time and the blogspace. Nicked this off Clairebear's space:

mga isko at iska, sagot na!

To commemorate our centennial year...
University of the Philippines

1. Student number? 85-14360. Yes, I was a 14-year old freshman (freak).

2. College? College of Arts and Letters, College of Mass Communication, College of Law, Diliman. UP College at Clark Air Base in between CMC and law school.

3. Ano ang course mo? (What did you Major in?) BS Humanities, BA Communication (Broadcasting), Bachelor of Laws, Masters in Public Administration and Asian Studies.

4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kick out? (Did you shift majors/Courses or were you a kicked out of your College)? Shifted from a then pre-med BS Hum to BA Comm. One of the best decisions of my life!

5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT? (Where did you take your entrance examination?) The big CS auditorium in Palma Hall (what used to be the Arts and Sciences Building)

6. Favorite GE subject? (General Education classes) Spanish with Senor Maranan. Vamos a la playa! Besame mucho...

7. Favorite PE? Swimming

8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot guys/girls sa UP? (Where did you hang out to check out the hot babes/dudes?) Definitely not at the UP CMC. Not that there weren't any hot guys - the men were hot all right, but they weren't exactly my idea of, er, guys. The College of Engineering was always a good place for sightseeing...

9. Favorite profs? (Favorite Professors?) Diane Teotico (RIP, Broad. 100 and Radio Production), Evelyn David (TV Production), Malu de Guzman (TV Performance), Tony La Vina (Criminal Law 1), Arno Sanidad (Criminal Procedure).

10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject (least favorite General Education class)? Nat. Sci 2 - Physics! Eeegh. And Math 11, my one and only Math class. Thank God for the EDSA I Revolution and mass promotion!

11. Kumuha ka ba ng Saturday classes? (Did you sign up for Saturday classes?) Involuntarily, and I cut through almost all of them.

12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba? (Did you join any field trips?) If I remember right, only once to Batangas to shoot our TV Performance finals.

13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP? (Were you ever a College Scholar and or a University Scholar) Yes, before all the extra-curriculars. He he.

14. Ano ang Org/Frat/Soro mo? (What Organization/Fraternity/Sorority were you a member of?) This is why I didn't make CS or US ever again: UP Samaskom, Interschool Business Association, UP CMC Student Council, UP Law Portia Sorority, Paralegal Volunteers' Organization, Society of Law Students, UP Law Debate Team, Philippine Law Journal, UP Law Student Government, UP Inter-sorority Council, STRAW Alliance.

15. Dorm, Boarding house, o Bahay? (Did you stay at a dorm, boarding house or did you live at home during college?) Home, which is 15 minutes away from UP Dil, but I always slummed at my friends' dorm during law school.

16. Kung walang UPCAT test at malaya kang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, ano yun? (If you had your way, what was your dream course/major?) Marine Biology, which wasn't offered in Diliman at the time (and which involved a lot more math units), or Hotel and Restaurant Management (hmmm...which involved a lot more math units too. Mabuhay ang Mass Comm!!)

17. Sino ang pinaka-una mong nakilala sa UP?(Who did you first meet at UP?) Her name was Christie, she was from Mountain Province...and I don't know whatever happened to her.

18. First play na napanood mo sa UP? (First play you watched in UP) Should have been Isko, the definitive play (musical) about life in UP, which happened to star someone who would be (and still is) my best friend of the last 22 years as Isko himself. But I think it was Tennesee William's Camino Real at Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero. Remembered it just now (many hours after posting the original of this entry).

19. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch? (Where did you usually eat lunch?) First two years of college, at CASAA (Sizzler and Gloria's) - ooh, refer back to #8 - where I would ogle future Senator Francis Pangilinan (he would later be a law school classmate, friend and boss) as he ordered his meatballs and chocolate milk. I could die... In Mass Comm, at Pampaguena's and a variety of drinking places - Goldmine, Mister Steak, Tia Maria's - on Katipunan (liquid diet! Huwhaay not??). In law school, at Da Wall (MWSS jeepney turo-turo), Mommy Thai's at IC, and all those non-drinking establishments along Katipunan (we finally learned to drink AFTER school hours).

20. Masaya ba sa UP? (Was it fun in UP?) DA BEST.

21. Nakasama ka na ba sa rally? (Did you ever get to go to a rally?) Many times after I quit being so apathetic (ironically, in law school): the warrantless arrest of my classmate, the anti-US Bases rally, STFAP, among others...I think I was in a rally every year. Good old days.

22. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa Student Council? (How many times did you vote for Student Council elections?) I should know this. In law school, every year; in undergrad I think I only voted when I ran. Haha! Oh wait, I voted for Francis Pangilinan pala. Yahoo!

23. Pinangarap mo rin bang mag-laude nung freshman ka? (Did you ever aspire to graduate with honors when you were a freshman?) My Mom sure did.

24. Kung di ka UP, anong school ka? (If you didn't go to UP, what school would you have gone?) I would be an out-of-school youth. You see, I didn't apply to any other school. UP or nothing! (Tigas...)

Man, that was fun...I could use a PhP7 bottle of Pale Pilsen right about now.

No Place Like Home

2008-03-21T02:20:00.006+08:00

I'm back on the sultry shores of the Philippines - and slowly disengaging myself from the throes of lethargy. The intercontinental jump from a brisk 12C to a humid 33 degrees, plus readjusting my body clock 13 hours forward, is wreaking havoc on my system, and I've been sleeping like a bear. This morning I went to bed at half past 3 am, and, to my horror, got up 15 hours later! Then I fell asleep again after dinner - my sister kept checking my pulse to see if I was still alive. Oh well, now it's 2:30 a.m. and I'm wide awake (duh).

I never thought I'd be missing the cold weather of the North, but it's good to be home. Home is a PhP70 ($1.50; $2 with tip) pedicure at the UP Shopping Center, Joel Torre's chicken inasal with lots of red mantika and garlic rice, a Jollibee meal number NE2 (sweet spaghetti and regular Yum), my Mom's lomo-lomo, SM Megamall, a four-day long Holy Week-end, the Landmark Manila community, my beloved family and friends (some of who I've already sleepily spoken with - pardon the torpor of our conversations). None of the above is available elsewhere on the planet, and I'm blessed to have them near. I'm already creating my next international adventure, but for now, I'm home sweet home.

One (More) Big Fight

2008-03-08T12:25:00.002+08:00

It's a little anti-climactic, but here I go on the last leg of legal testing - God-willing, the last EVER. The Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam (MPRE) is tomorrow, and, unlike the Bar, is only two hours and 60 (multiple choice) questions long. And thankfully only covers one subject - legal (including judicial) professional conduct and ethics.

If I may say so myself, did a pretty good job in both my Legal Ethics class under the late great Justice Irene Cortes, and in the Legal Ethics section of the Philippine Bar. Plus, most of the continuing legal education units I had to cram in before I left consisted of hours upon hours of Legal Ethics lectures (ugh).

However, my proficiency in Philippine legal ethics did little to prepare me for legal ethics, American style. In this country where advertising legal services on billboards and television and accepting contingent fees are permissible (both are prohibited under the Philippine Code of Professional Responsibility), I've had to learn and re-learn more than a few concepts. Judges campaign and are elected to office here, a situation I never had to deal with back home; and it's much more litigious on these shores than it is in the Philippines, where a guest would never dream of suing a homeowner if the guest slipped and fell in the homeowner's home (darn it, I'm beginning to sound like a frickin' Bar fact pattern).

Anyway, one last hurrah, and this particular US trip is complete. I have a week after tomorrow to really hang loose and just enjoy whatever's left of the winter (apparently there's still a lot more cold to bear, according to the forecasts) so I'm just gonna chill (literally and otherwise) before thawing out in my beloved Manila.

Go team fight!

East Coasting

2008-03-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Midwestern territory - the beautiful city of Chicago - after more than a week on the East Coast. An extended week, I should say, since the experience was too fantastic to cut short and I ended up moving my flight.

While I already spent some time in New York, and enjoyed a considerable stay in New Jersey as well a few years ago, it's only gotten better. Perhaps the biggest reason I had such a grand time this time around was the company I kept (although of course the last time was spent with fabulous friends too). My sorority sister and fellow NY Bar candidate Leah, fellow Ilocana now Upper West Side resident (faaaabulous pad that took the edge off my pre-Bar stint whilst I crashed there); my fantabulous and ever-gorgeous college friend Viviene from Connecticut; Carlo from Queens, my good intercontinental friend who can work both Wall Street and E. Rodriguez with such grace and generosity; and of course my kumare and kumpare Stelle (shopping sister!!!) and Tim, my goddaughter Mikayla and the very warm and welcoming Tata and Dada Maulits from Jersey City. Ohmygosh, the reason I enjoyed the East Coast so very much was YOUR COMPANY. Thank you so very much, dear friends. God bless you all, you were such a contribution to my happiness the entire time I was over there. I am truly blessed to have you in my life. For sure, I'll be knocking on your doors again very soon :-)

The Day After

2008-02-28T21:47:00.000+08:00

Liberation!

Ah, the ecstacy of completion. As soon as I darkened the Question 200 bubble with my No. 2 lead pencil, I was frickin' FREE! One part of me wanted to whoop it up and high-five-body-slam my seatmates, but the atmosphere was one of restraint. People were filing out and packing up their stuff all too quietly, sedately, seriously for my taste.

What a far cry from the last few minutes of the 1994 Bar, when you could hear all the different college bands striking up in the distance and you couldn't wait to rush out into the congratulatory wave of well-wishers. The Polytechnic University, the site of the '94 exam, leads out into a narrow street - and that's where the throngs of bar supporters parked themselves at. I was intoxicated even before I reached the UP station in the middle of the road: the Silliman people (I'd competed earlier that year in a debate at their school) accosted me with several shots of tequila as I made my way past. More drinking to come thereafter (I think we went for lots of beers and pizza and a loud band at Chatterbox), and the next succeeding days. Good times!

Fast forward to post-NY Bar 2008. Good thing that my sis Lea and I tested at the same location; we celebrated with a big dinner at Korea Town, then headed back home for a quiet evening. No tequila for me, just several well-deserved beers (yum); and no raucous well-wishers, just several phone calls, local and overseas, from my support network of family and friends. And then sleep, wonderful, peaceful, uneventful sleep!

Today I had more sleep (a little nap after waking up, he he), and then set off to explore the nooks and crannies of the Big Apple. I walked up and down West Broadway to buy stuff at a few specialty food stores (bagels, boursin, and brie! Tarush...), bought a tonload of (non-law related!!) books at Strand, did some midtown pasalubong shopping, got me some Chinese takeout, lugged everything back home on the subway...and now I'm enjoying the fruits of my "labor." "Enjoy" is the operative term: now that the Bar is over and done with and I don't have to think about another legal doctrine, element, or principle, I can actually begin to enjoy New York City, and the US, for that matter. Bar none, it's about time!

The Night Before

2008-02-25T21:33:00.001+08:00

It's the “night before” - take two.

Almost 14 years ago, I swore I'd never, ever take the Bar Exam again, even if it meant that I didn't get to be a lawyer at all. Thankfully, I made it the first time around, and I joyfully basked in the thought that I would never have to undergo that experience ever again.

Fast forward to the 21st century, and guess what – not only am I going through the Bar experience again, I'm actually doing it out of my own volition. Knowingly, willingly, voluntarily (recklessly?). In a whole new jurisdiction where legal animals such as the Rule Against Perpetuities and Judgments Notwithstanding the Verdict prey on unwitting innocents. Eek.

But finally, after almost five months of wrapping my brain around the nuances of U.S. common law and the New York distinctions, it's the night before.

In 1994, the night before was a sweltering, rain-drenched evening in September, spent holed up in the sorority “shelter” (i.e., a seedy Manila motel near the exam site) with my roommate May Flores, a dear sorority sister with whom I shared the tensions and trepidations of the evening as we gazed up at the large ceiling mirror above the bed (I did say “seedy motel,” didn't I?). Tonight, it's a brisk but comfortable evening in Manhattan; I've just gotten home after a Chinese dinner with my Nu Yawk-er friend Carlo, and I'm happily “holed up” in the U.P. Law Portia Sorority's unofficial NY Bar shelter (i.e., a gorgeous apartment on the Upper West Side) with the apartment's resident and another dear sorority sister, Leah Olores. Tensions and trepidations? Not so much. I'm treating myself to a pre-Bar beer, and remembering how another favorite sis, Bembem dela Torre, and I would “de-tox” every weekend during the 1994 review over sisig, San Mig Light, and loads of great conversation at Trellis.

In 1994, I spent the pre-Bar day going to Mass, stressing a little too much, and not being able to sleep a wink. Tonight, after having heard Mass yesterday at St. Patrick's and dropping by another church today, I staked out the exam venue, had a huge lunch, and went shopping in mid-town Manhattan before meeting up with Carlo on Wall Street. I refuse to stress (“It is what it is”), and I fully intend to sleep through the night. Pass me another beer, please.

In 1994, all I could think about was how happy I'd be after the Philippine Bar was over and done with, and of all the stuff I'd be free to do right after. Tonight...ditto.

Let's get it on!

Andok-trinated

2008-02-17T02:23:00.001+08:00

Just a short note to re-activate this blog - I know I've been less than assiduous in writing about the goings-on in these here parts. I promise to post more starting tomorrow; goodness knows I've got enough photos and a ton of non sequiturs to unload on this space, just haven't gotten around to doing it.

One thought I have tonight (or should I say, this very early morning) is about two of the loveliest words in the Filipino language. Lechon. Manok.

Yum.

I never thought that this common-place alternative to a fast-food take out would be the stuff of my gustatory longings. O, for an Andok's or Baliwag's or Sr. Pedro around the corner! With generous lashings of Mang Tomas spiked with sili and a big pile of achara, plus steaming hot kanin...hay. I also must admit that my favorite lechon manok side is... lechong liempo!!! Cholesterol heaven!!

OK sure, the local Jewel has those rotisserie chicken deals (a little overpriced for my taste, when I think of the $3 price tags back home), but it's not quite the same. I need the real McCoy, and darned if I don't take on the challenge while I'm here (especially since I discovered this lovely Asian grocery that carries all the familiar stuff, like Mang Tomas, Jufran, and yesss tanglad). After all, since I've been here, I've so far demystified my favorite comfort food, Luk Yuen halo-halo congee, Thai crispy catfish salad (with a twist), chicken curry in the absence of gata or yogurt, Yang Chow fried rice (hot dang, I've got it down to a T), Tom Cruise's carbonara, moussaka.... well, now you know what I've been doing when not studying.

So this short note didn't turn out to be so brief after all... but at least I got some sort of release. Will defrost the manok tonight, and post the 411 on the Andok-trination asap!

Random Rah-rah

2008-01-30T12:27:00.000+08:00

It's blizzarding outside! Now I know how it's like to be my favorite Dairy Queen dessert. Minus the chocolate mallows, heh heh.

I don't have a unified thought for this entry, but might as well work out the rusty writing edges.

L is my IL buddy!! Yahoo!! He's oh-my-%$#@!*&'ngly handsome and awesomely ripped, with a budding movie/TV career. What more could a girl dream of? Truth to tell, he's the stuff of my nightmares. You can't sneak anything past him - "hoy kumakain ka na naman! (sabay hingi)." Nevertheless, I won't let you down, Junior. Those tabloid columnists won't have anything on you (or me, vicariously).

Speaking of dreams, I had one last night about "HoneyStar." Aww, Meyan, wish you were here for me to share it with. Mwaha!

I've finally gotten my Rule Against Perpetuities straight. I think. P%$#@#@!!&%&... and I thought I conquered it with reserva troncal back in '94.

Mareng Day - I love you, I'm thinking about you, and I'm about to read three books to "abundify" our possibilities together. Will write you again soon!!

Speaking of Day, my whole nutritional lifestyle has undergone a major overhaul: no more fastfood (as in, none at all) and lots of veggies and other healthy stuff. I'm still the omnivore, but much more responsible in what goes in (and out) of me. Gotslotsa veggies and tofu and good stuff but haven't met my seafood requirements on this continent yet. Miss my paksiw na galunggong and inihaw na pusit!

So 'yun lang muna. Chika again later - for now, b'bye!

Half-Moon Over Chicago

2008-01-16T12:46:00.000+08:00

I like standing out on the balcony of my sister's Chicago apartment, just taking in where I'm at in time and space. In the summer, it's balmy and warmer than any Manila day; in the winter, it's brisk and chillier than the coldest day in Baguio City. Sometimes it reminds me of the Wack-Wack office, which is so different from my QC home - lots of bustle, no greenery, people and cars and the trains moving about, 24/7.

Tonight, there's a half-moon over Chicago. From where I'm at, the Sears Tower is a few blocks away, in direct sight. Lake Michigan, one of the greatest bodies of water I've set my eyes on, is just a stroll away. Oprah (or her show, anyway) is a telephone call away, if I can get through (never have, so far); so is my Mom and my friends back home. My law review books are at my feet; I have stuff spinning in the dryer downstairs. The whole world seems to be within reach.

Then again, it seems that the world is so much more distant than it usually is, from my familiar vantage point. But it's all well. That's all I have to say tonight :-).

Weather or Not

2007-12-29T06:42:00.000+08:00

Giving myself a breather after two days of exploring the intricacies of Federal Procedure (wheee...huwaaahh!). So let me talk about the simpler things in life: in particular, the weather.

Today was a snow day - my first official experience of actual snowfall, as flurries apparently don't count. As always, my timing was impeccable - I'd planned to bravely venture out to do some shopping for supplies, only to find out from the early morning news that I'd be encountering some wet winter weather.

Even after bundling up, I had second thoughts of leaving the apartment - but then again, this would be an adventure in and of itself. The funny thing is that, while it was snowing all right, it wasn't as cold as I'd expected (there is probably some scientific explanation for this, which of course they didn't teach us in tropical elementary school). Therefore, I've arrived at the conclusion that it's not the snow that's going to be the death of me, but the wind.

Wind chill kills - or at least it'll kill me. Now don't get me wrong; I love cold weather. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to live in Baguio City is the cool mountain climate, which ranges from 15-21C at any given time of the year. Then again, I have an extremely narrow personal thermostat of 18-21C, above or below which I start to get uncomfortable.

I also require a sufficient amount of humidity, for which I'd usually escape to Session Road or the lower areas of BC when the house got too cold and dry (Manila's humidity, on the other hand, is a little more difficult to escape). Otherwise, my skin starts to shed and flake like crazy and my hair starts to go all coarse. I remember my first unfortunate school week in Paris when, instead of arriving in the summer weather I'd been expecting, I caught the tail end of a late, freezing spring - and my face dried up like a rice field in the midst of El Nino. Manila weather may be warm and humid, but it's the best moisturizer on the planet (ski-slope strength Nivea is my next best bet). My hair stylist is going to kill me when he finds out that, against his advice, I've been taking hot showers (which, unsurprisingly, has my hair frizz up and dry out). Sorry, Bambi!

Skin bakbak and falling snow that looks like balakubak in the wind (how romantic, haha) aside, I'm liking this strange new experience. The possibility of a white Christmas was my own creation, after all. And I promise never to complain about how warm and humid Manila is, ever again. :-)

Conversations in the Cold

2007-12-28T12:06:00.000+08:00

Technically, I could justify lack of writing activity on some very good excuses. One, my hands are frozen stiff in -8 C winter weather. Two, I have nothing to write about. And three, the grandmother of an excuse to trump 'em all, I'm much too busy studying for the NY Bar to be bothered.

Then again, none of the above are true – technically.

Yes, I'm freezing – I'm in climes colder than I've ever been before, a situation hardly anticipated by my aborted relocation to chilly Baguio City or that February trek up the highest peak of Luzon that had Ney a-flurry with paternal concern (“Wear plastic bags over your socks!” “Keep bundled up!” “Eat your vegetables!”). Pretty good advice that applies to Chicago weather, except that I haven't had the chance to test out the plastic footwear trick, but I've kept warm and dry for the most part. Voluntary house arrest in this kind of weather is da bomb, and even the promise of all those post-Christmas sales isn't good enough reason to venture out in the wind and cold.

I have tons to write about, particularly about the phenomenon of American television, the rituals of turkey and other culinary traditions, homeless people in a First World country, and this strange new experience of ice raining down from the heavens.

And finally, while I've been busy studying, I've also spent an inordinate amount of time procrastinating and mentally beating myself up for doing so (that stops NOW). At bottom, a good full five hours a day (approximately a hundred pages) is the optimal amount to go through my books, plus another hour or so going through a practice exam. Which leaves about 18 hours for sleeping, eating, reality TV, e-mail, and other stuff.

Stuff like writing in my blog, which I've been putting off. No longer! Save for God and my sister, I don't have anyone else to talk to except for the doorman and the little voice in my head (which I invariably end up arguing with), so might as well “talk to the blog.”

More conversations to come very soon...happy holidays to everyone!

I GOT That I FORGOT!!

2007-12-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

I just had one of my biggest breakthroughs of the year. I GOT that I FORGOT!

I forgot WHO I AM.

No wonder everything had been an uphill struggle lately. And my "space" was cluttered up (come to think of it, so was my calendar, my room, and my car). It had all devolved into dealing with the here and now, fixing things that were out of integrity, getting the job done, doing, doing, doing.

I was stuck in the muck, and I didn't know how to get out. Then again, knowing makes no difference.

As always, behind the big breakdown was a huge breakthrough. And it came in progression.

I GOT who I AM in the eyes of my God; I'd forgotten. A light upon the Earth, a bearer of His love, His Beloved. I got that in Him, I have no cause for fear. Through Him, I am transformed from identity to divinity (almost fell off the pew when I heard that in Mass last Sunday).

I GOT who I AM as my WORD; I'd forgotten. A few months ago, I spoke into being a possibility bigger than I ever imagined myself speaking. Last night, and today, I was powerfully reminded of that by someone who listens to me as no less.

What I GOT was Source, and source - in Whose and in whose presence I am huge, extraordinary, and pure possibility. More immense than I think myself to be. I LIVE into that listening; I become ALIVE in it. And I am restored to who I AM. There is drudgery no more, for the future I am living into is one worth giving my life. I just forgot. :-)

I AM a human being, not a human doing. I am love, empowerment, and commitment. I am the transformation of Asia. I am a child of God.

Thank you Bella, Rachel, and my Beloved Lord and Savior, for never letting me forget.

All You Got
- DC Talk

Heard you say that no one seems to care about you
It's in your eyes
You think that life's unfair to you
Just give it all you got my friend
Just give it all you got, it's not the end

'Cause you oughta know
There's a reason for these changing seasons
God only knows how much your heart can bear
So don't you let go
Everybody has their up and down times
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved
My friend, so hold on, it's not the end

As I remember, everything you touch
Will turn to gold, you held a secret
To make your grandest dreams unfold
You were the very best of us all
But the sun that rises still falls

'Cause you oughta know
There's a reason for these changing seasons
God only knows how much your heart can bear
So don't you let go
Everybody has their up and down times
Everybody needs to know how much they're loved
My friend, so hold on, it's not the end

It's just a love song
'Cause everybody needs a friend
And I'll be right here for you
It's just a simple prayer
It's from the bottom of my heart
That He'll never let you go

Next On The Agenda

2007-11-26T01:35:00.000+08:00

Late one Friday night, while we were coaching a Landmark leadership program, my friend Peter shared with me that he was so looking forward to Saturday, because as he had scheduled in his Mission Control "capture tool" (i.e., planner/Blackberry/Outlook), it was time for him to sleep (or sleep in late, to be more precise). Now I know exactly what he meant.

It's been a long, busy week, and tomorrow I'm sleeping in. But before turning in, I have a load of stuff to be thankful for - waking hours well spent. The 19th Landmark Forum in the Philippines just completed its weekend today (awesomely, as always); I got through day two of my Mandatory Continuing Legal Education yesterday (two more Saturdays to go!); spent a really great evening with my law partners and new friends at Kenneth's birthday party; had some fantastic conversations about possibility, integrity, and even international trade law and college football; created the next Landmark Advanced Course; finished my first reading of the MBE subjects ahead of time; participated in the launch meeting of the fulfillment of my "son" J's possibility (and mine) of a dream book project, and more more more...all in a span of a few days. I really get that that's using up life - gloriously burning it up to the fullest.

And tonight/tomorrow I get to rejuvenate and restore. I get to "schedule in" sleep (and selfishly enjoy some real "me" time). Yum!

Good night, folks! God bless.

Without Integrity...

2007-11-19T23:02:00.000+08:00

...nothing works!

Three BIG breakthroughs in integrity for me these last few days, and what whoppers they were! The last couple of weeks leading up to them had me in a funky space - not totally disempowered, but not all there either. It was like I was dragging my feet, doing everything that needed to get done, but still a little "off." As my friend "M the man" put it, when you get off being "off," it's like coming out fresh from a shower: "parang bagong ligo!" I couldn't have put it any better.

Breakthrough number 1. Integrity, as we know it well in Landmark Education , is, at its most junior level, keeping one's promises and agreements. What I got is that I very often keep my promises and agreements to other people, but when it comes to promises I make to myself...that's another story. At a weekend creation meeting for the next Landmark Advanced Course, my good buddy "SB" said, after I'd shared the promises to myself I wasn't keeping, "well, why don't you make those promises to me?" Absolutely brilliant! And it's been working like a dream - the promises I'd been putting off on fulfilling (booking my ticket to the US, renewing my passport, observing my review and workout schedules) have been held to account, and I'm happily on track. I bought my ticket to the US the day after the conversation, I renewed my passport the Tuesday after (see next breakthrough), and I get to report to "SB" - or "study buddy with a stud-ly body," heh heh, my daily progress in honoring my word as to my review and workout. And vice versa as regards his own promises to himself!

Breakthrough number 2. Another thing that had to be handled regarding my upcoming trip next month was my passport renewal - the travel document's validity was less than 6 months from the date of my travel on December 20. The thing is, they have a new passport system at the DFA which requires personal appearance at the Department of Foreign Affairs instead of the courier service. Ergo, long, sweaty lines and a massive amount of bureaucratic red tape (sure, I could've made a few phone calls and jumped the queues, but then I wouldn't have had my breakthrough, right?). Four hours into that, without having eaten anything the whole day = a very cranky me. I was exhausted, unhappy, and hungry and all I wanted to do was to go home and make everything and everyone wrong. But I had an Integrity seminar to assist at, so off I went to Makati. In the thick of Buendia traffic, and in a major disempowered state of pissed-off'ness, I began to distinguish what was having me be that way. Another thing I got as regards Integrity, Landmark style, is that standards and ideals get in the way of our being true to our values and principles. Suddenly, as I saw a traffic cop being wishy-washy in letting vehicles through, I saw exactly what my self-defeating standard and ideal was: "everything should work!" And if things don't work (or if it occurs to me that people's lives don't work), I get personally offended. Ha ha! That insight just totally blew me away, because on the other side of that was a value and principle I got to create in its place. If things are not working, how can I be responsible for workability being available, without making unworkability bad and wrong? What I created is being an extraordinary demand for things working - being the distinction b*tch, but for the sake of pure empowerment and possibility. The exhaustion and unhappiness completely disappeared by the time I got to AIM and the Integrity Seminar, and I stayed up on full power until almost 4 am the next day!

Breakthrough number 3 was pretty simple: being in action consistent with all the insights I'd gotten. The third and highest level of integrity is honoring one's word as one's self - walking the talk. And life just turned up in pure possibility - things in my life that had stalled all started to work, without effort. The clearing for integrity has allowed high levels of workability to be present, and I'm back in full gear, as regards to finances, my businesses, the profession, relationship, my coaching and other accountabilities, etc.!

The next Landmark Forum in Manila starts November 23, this Friday. It's been more than a year since I'd been in my own Landmark Forum, but, as I've written, the breakthroughs keep coming! Praise God for one of the most empowering experiences of my life; praise Him for the power, possibility and peace of mind He's made available through this work!

Heroes

2007-11-10T20:16:00.000+08:00

"The sun rises on a new dawn. Yet few of us realize the debt we owe to those responsible for this, to those who dwell among us. Anonymous, seemingly ordinary, who destiny brought together to repair, to heal, to save us from ourselves.

"And they're still out there, among us. In the shadows, in the light; we pass them on the street without a glance, never suspecting, never knowing. Do they even know yet?

"But they're bound together by a common purpose, a glaring reality: to BE EXTRAORDINARY.

"And when destiny does anoint them, how do they hide from it? How long can they dwell in the shadows before fate, or their own flawed humanity, draws them out into the light...again?"

- Heroes, 2nd Season (1st episode)

Create, create, create...

2007-11-08T00:18:00.000+08:00

It's been said that one of the pitfalls of living an invented life is the failure to create. It may sound obvious, but we're human beings, designed to forget. Once the creative facility stalls, a once-vibrant life becomes dreary, effortsome, boring (and then we start to ask ourselves what the problem is, i.e., in Landmark terms, "what's missing?").

Happily enough, I can distinguish the "red flags" of that state of ennui before it descends completely, and have committed to keep creating (even when sometimes I don't feel like it). After all, the Divinity that is within and around us is a creative force, endlessly speaking possibilities into being.

Today was another great opportunity to participate in that kind of marvelous creation, and earlier this evening, to keep whatever it was I created during the day in existence by writing it down. More than a gratitude journal (gratitude, to my mind, is a moment-to-moment acknowledgment of blessings, big and small, and then a completion of that experience by emptying one's "receptacle" to receive, once again. In other words, the past IS the past, I am profoundly, exceedingly, and constantly grateful for what has been given, AND at the same time emptied and ready for what is yet to be received), I keep a "creative log" of what I've "invented" for myself and my life for the day. There are some days when I slip into "ordinary" mode and forget to remind myself of what I've created, which is why the written log is such a great tool. What it represents and keeps in existence is my WORD - the possibilities of what and who I've declared myself to be. And, it's a indescribable thrill to revisit what I once wrote and actually confirm that I've realized it.

Let me share with you today's entries, with some brief notes on how those came about.

7 November 2007

1. Service at He Cares, at least once a week. Today was an opportunity for me to revisit where I began to find my purpose; I haven't been regularly serving at He Cares since I stepped into the astounding explosion of my LIFE in all its abundance, always knowing fully well that He Cares is a hugely important part of it. Last Monday, I promised Kuya JD I'd go back up to Montalban with him. And on Tuesday evening, at the Integrity Seminar, I got present to one piece of honoring my principles and values, which includes my commitment and love for sharing God's blessings as I'd been called to He Cares to do so, three years ago. This morning, in the presence of the people I've served and truly love as bearers of Christ Jesus on earth, I got to the complete realization of one of my fundamental principles and values in life, without which things are "off" and which gives me inspiration and genuine self-expression: SERVICE. This is who I AM. This is what I've been blessed to BE. And this is what I can be counted on for. I've been called back, and once again, I reply, "Here I am."

2. 85% in all areas of the NY Bar Exam. Haha, still in the middle of review, and getting there.

3. Developing and expanding TWT. I had a great conversation yesterday with a potential writer and shared with him the future we're creating for Third-World Traveler and the talented Filipino. Jeryc my son, we gotta get busy!

4. Developing and expanding C+C. Again, another great conversation with my kumareng Day about the potential and future of this endeavor, I love it! Next meeting to formalize the new structures and avenues of undertaking, right after November 16.

5. Practice guitar. Like I said, I logged this list down earlier this evening, and, after reviewing MBE Contract law, completing my workout (ha, something that's not been written, but an ongoing and unbroken commitment to myself to the possibility of "hot body" teehee), cooking dinner, and dealing with work, I just really got down to practice on the old acoustic. The miracle is, after a couple of hours of exercises, I just got out my chord book to worship the Lord, and I found myself playing better than I've ever done before! Not bad, considering that it's been a year since I "played" and I never was a very good guitar player to begin with.

6. Food photography. I'm actually going to practice that - been reading up on white balance and ISO and stuff like that, which I totally have ignored using my undermaximized point-and-shoot (a darned good one too, according to my friend Jason L). Good skill to learn for the catering business and the upcoming website (great idea from Day!)

7. Leading Landmark Introductions to Assisting. I've gotten HUGE breakthroughs in my assisting accountabilities at Landmark, and today I created the possibility of enrolling people into a life of service and contribution (this insight I got as a function of my breakthrough in #1).

So there, that's what I've created today. I wonder what I'll be creating tomorrow? Will be sure to let you know. :-)

Happiness...

2007-11-04T00:42:00.000+08:00

...is ending a catering gig with people saying how much they loved your food and service, and that they'll see you again at the next job. Actually, happiness is the entire process of catering - from buying all the stuff from the market/s, getting the crew together, doing the cooking, setting up, and serving the guests. And, in my case, throwing in a song, upon request, with the live band (extraordinary service, free of charge). Happiness is also having a Long Island Iced Tea when things start settling down, and sending the service staff home with doggie bags (Henry and Thea, my brother-sister crew for the day, have 13 people living in their household at the moment, so that was a great bonus for them, aside from their fee and generous tip).

I love this job (one of many, all of which I love as well). Need a caterer? Drop me a line at C+C; my free entertainment package ends December 20. :-)

Re-Com

2007-11-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

The last several days have been a re-communion of sorts, a "coming home" to many fond and familiar persons, places, pastimes, and pursuits:

October 23. Re-com with the Landmark family, with the start of the Integrity seminar. Always great to be in conversation with a community of possibility, and to be with people I love dearly. Speaking of whom, I had a re-com with the Pixel folks earlier that day, since M is out of the country and left a project that needed to be worked on; then much later that night it was a re-communing with my buddies at the "JJ Phad" - I promised I'd stay only a couple of hours so I could get ready for the next day's trip, but catching up with B & B plus beer and conversation and their guitars had us jamming until way past my bedtime (as always).

October 24. Re-com with the "Phad in BC" and BC itself! I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that a year away had the Phad missing me like heck (and vice versa). There was a virtual forest growing on the steps, the locks were rusty and put up a struggle, but Ça vaut le voyage! I was "home" - a term that has expanded definition in the last year. Much to my relief, there wasn't anything of value taken in the break-in except for CC's cereals and the canned goods I left (whoever/whatever ate them must probably be dead of botulism anyway), and J's Swiss knife (I'm sorry anak, I'll get you a new one). All my DVDs, CDs, and plates were still there, not to mention my books, which unfortunately bore signs of dampness from the cold weather *boohoo*. At any rate, there wasn't time to read them, as the trip to my beloved BC had another re-com as its purpose: the MCLE (Mandatory Continuing Legal Education), or making up for the missed hours I skipped out on, to comply with the Integrated Bar's requirements. Another great re-com while I was there: I ran into a good friend L from my NGO days in the mid-90's as a rookie litigator with the Women's Legal Bureau. Over the next few days, not only did I re-com with the law, but with my favorite BC haunts as well: the market, Good Shepherd, and good old Session Road.

October 28. The Phad spotless and the jungle cleared, the next re-com was a visit to yet another "home" - Bangued, Abra, home of my maternal ancestors. That afternoon and evening I re-comm'd with my grandmother, my aunt and uncle, and had a few swigs of alcohol over conversation with my favorite cousin L.

*** Insert pleasant over-indulgent lull spent with Hugh Laurie and James Woods (House and Shark, respectively)...angsty doctor, angsty lawyer, both of whom I find irresistible, go figure... ***

November 2. Re-com with catering. The last week, I got two jobs for the food business I've sort of neglected these last several months, and I re-comm'd with a vengeance. Did the marketing myself for tomorrow's gig, recruited the old hands, prepped by really getting my own hands dirty (chopping ingredients, and even making a nice healthy dinner afterwards) even if my nails have grown nice and long and have been carefully manicured.

Re-com with guitar. Ouch. The nails didn't work; had to trim them down a bit to manage the chords. Hadn't touched N's old acoustic hand-me-down for months but managed to tune it nicely; though my fingers have gotten stiff and B minor is a pain once again.

Finally, my favorite re-com of all. Taking a breather from the hustle and bustle of life, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, just reveling in His calm presence and overwhelming love. Re-communion with my First of All, my Most of All, my All in All. The One Who awaits me at every moment to commune with Him, Who knows my deepest desires, Who sees the most extraordinary of my possibilities. I've not had much time to re-commune with my Maker lately, but today, when I did, it was like old times. And it was like new. In His presence, I'd come "home" too. :-)

Found In Translation

2007-11-01T15:02:00.000+08:00

Next to Math, Filipino was my worst subject in school. Blame it on the prohibitive mentality at home and in an earlier school that speaking the native tongue was "bad and wrong": helpers were forbidden to speak to us in anything other than (somewhat broken) English, we were actually fined for every Tagalog word we spoke on school premises, and my brother and I were planted in front of every episode of Sesame Street (34 years later, he's still its biggest fan).

But I managed to find ways around the restriction - Wakasan komiks nicked from the yayas or rented out at 10 centavos from a nearby store, illicit viewings of old LVN movies and the saga of Flor de Luna, and a keen ear for chismis on the Barros side of the family that had me fully comprehending Ilocano at an early age (a purely auditory skill; I still can't speak it without sounding weird). All that sneaking around did me a whole lot of good when I moved to another school where everyone else spoke Filipino, except that I still struggled with the vocabulary way into the sixth grade ("What do you mean, sirit?").

Unfortunately, my proficiency was limited to conversational Tagalog. To this day, my head swims if you give me more than a paragraph of written Filipino; I hardly made it halfway through Florante at Laura, much less the Tagalog translations of Noli Me Tangere/El Filibusterismo without going into verbal shock.

Which is why it's very strange that I find myself translating written work in English to the native tongue. Anna Liza and all, English is still my first language - I think it, speak it, dream in it, and am more comfortable with it than any other. I can speak straight Filipino - if I were speaking in the streets - but my written grasp of the language still leaves much to be desired. And yet, through all these years of translation, I've been discovering the beauty and expressiveness of the Filipino tongue, which captures so much of the soul of its speakers.

I suppose I underestimate my proficiency in artistic expressions of Tagalog. Now that I think of it, I wrote numerous scenes for radio and TV broadcast at the College of Mass Communication, not to mention sketches for the long-running LIVE A.I.D.S. series in my SAMASKOM days. I also wrote a short play, entirely in Tagalog, as a requirement for the last class I attended before qualifying for my undergraduate degree: a modern parody of the Noli's Donas Victorina and Consolacion duking it out in the afterlife, staged at the Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero theater and performed by cast members of the UP Repertory. My PI 100 prof, Jess Ramos, loved it so much that he even requested my permission to have it re-staged for a Rizal conference; I still can't believe I could have written something so socially incisive yet entertaining (I've never bothered to keep tabs on the copyright of these works; the play might still be out there, just like the Utol scene I wrote which is allegedly still being used by UP Broadcasting majors almost 20 years from when I first wrote it for a TV production class).

Much later, even in law school, Filipino writing jobs still presented themselves. In my senior year, now-Senator then-plain-old-Kiko Francis Pangilinan had me write and produce his legal segments for the daily TV show Hoy Gising!, all entirely in Tagalog and masa/sub judice-friendly legalese.

Fast-forward to several years later, when mission work for the He Cares Foundation had me not only reading the Gospel in Tagalog, but preaching it as well. Plus there was the unbelievably time-consuming job (up to 11 hours for a wedding!) of translating the Liturgy into reader-friendly Filipino for Father Steve Tynan, every Saturday for almost two years.

Today, I still do a lot of translating work - mainly for the Augustinian Recollects through my good friend Father Boyax (apparently their Bisaya/Ilonggo is much better than their Tagalog skills; on the other hand, my Tagalog is far better than my Bisaya - again, another auditory language skill picked up from my father's side of the family, murag). I've done the translation of two videos for them, and just now wrapped up another on the life of St. Ezekiel Moreno. Also in the works (a long overdue project, my apologies) is a translation of the late Senator Raul Roco's book of quotations, commissioned by his wife Sonia. Religion and politics, translated in the style of Honey Oliveros. Kinda awesome, huh?

My TWT partner J and I have discussed plans of turning the tables and actually translating Filipino films to English; that would be even more awesome. TWT has also inspired me to study alibata (our logo is written as such), the native pre-Hispanic script of the islands, which is as beautifully written visually as it is verbally. And the beautiful Filipino language has me constantly fascinated as, in my translations, I've found (in my trusty English-Filipino dictionary) some gorgeously profound words I've never even heard before like tudlaan (target) and satsat (tonsure), as well as more than one really great word for "result": kinauwian, humantong, nagdulot etc. One of my favorite Filipino words that I prefer over the Spanish variant: sansinukob (universe). Root words: san/isang (all/one), sukob (encompassing, sheltering) - an all-encompassing, all-sheltering ONE. Gorgeous. The things you find in translation are pretty cool.

Back to BC

2007-09-29T03:10:00.000+08:00

I've procrastinated too long.

Baguio City was my solace from stress, the haven of my heart-stirrings, the "cave" of consolation. Last year, I spent more time in BC than any other place outside Manila, for rest, rejuvenation, and, or so I thought, eventual residence. I'd actually started to move up to BC in the summer of 2006, and I was all set to start life anew in my favorite city in the mountains.

However, such was not my "fate." I found myself back in Manila on request from a friend, but still shuttling back and forth as I held on to my dream of living BC. Little did I know that I would be leaving BC, to embark on the adventure of a whole new life in Manila...and beyond. And so I left Baguio City, always meaning to return one day, someday. The chalkboard sign in the living room says, "Welcome Home!" - and yet I haven't done so in months. Almost a year now, if I remember correctly.

But that's to change in a few weeks. I've been traveling high and low and near and far over the last many months, but nowhere near BC. One probable reason is that I no longer need a "cave" to retreat to; another is that the house was broken into a few months ago and I'd be heartbroken to see for myself what was taken. But, as circumstances would have it, the mandatory Continuing Legal Education program I'm missing a few hours of will be held in BC in October, and there's no earlier offering in Manila. And so, I'm going back to BC - with a new frame of mind. I'm no longer in search of a new perspective...but I do miss the peace and the pine trees. So BC, here I come.

Lost Links

2007-09-29T02:53:00.000+08:00

I lost my old templates (go figure) and had to replace them...in the process, I lost all my links to friends' blogs and pages. Will reconstitute them as soon as I find the time to tinker with the template settings. Sigh.

Big Promises

2007-09-28T02:53:00.000+08:00

One of the biggest things I got in the Bangkok Intensive was to make BIG promises. A particularly compelling conversation was about not being afraid to give your word to a big promise - after all, the value of a promise is to pull one into action. Then, during a brief informal discussion over lunch, Nui told me, "create a big quota!"

Playing safe isn't really my style, but I've still been a little too cautious to really risk too much. After Bangkok, I began to promise BIG-ger...with amazing results. I've taken the "big promise" game into certain areas of my life (in my leading, for instance - I promised 50% effectiveness where I used to promise 30%, and I got 67%!!), and so far it's produced breakthrough results - bigger than I expected!! I expect it to work wonders in the new game we created for the practice (it's already yielding amazing returns with all the new openings for action - and to think the game plan commences in October!), and I'm going to take it into all areas of my professional life (and perhaps even into my personal life, as soon as I determine what "quotas" are appropriate in that domain!).

Promise BIG. This life's too magnificently blessed to play in the minor leagues.

Butterfly

2007-09-21T13:50:00.000+08:00

Biologists studying the caterpillar and the butterfly were amazed to find that the dissimilarity between one and the other: there was nothing in the biological make-up of either one that remotely related it to the other. It was as if they were two distinct organisms. Upon closer study of the caterpillar, however, it was discovered that a new kind of cell starts to appear - a cell that carries with it the image and possibility of "butterfly."

"The caterpillars new cells are called "imaginal cells". They resonate at a different frequency. They are so totally different from the caterpillar cells that his immune system thinks they are enemies . . . and gobbles them up - Chomp! Gulp! But these new imaginal cells continue to appear. More and more of them! Pretty soon, the caterpillar's immune system cannot destroy them fast enough. More and more of the imaginal cells survive. And then an amazing thing happens! The little, tiny, lonely imaginal cells start to clump together, into friendly little groups. They all resonate together at the same frequency, passing information from one to another. Then, after a while, another amazing thing happens! The clumps of imaginal cells start to cluster together! . . . A long string of clumping and clustering imaginal cells, all resonating at the same frequency, all passing information from one to another there inside the chrysalis.

A wave of Good News travels throughout the system - Lurches and heaves . . . but not yet a butterfly.

Then at some point, the entire long string of imaginal cells suddenly realizes all together that it is Something Different from the caterpillar. Something New! Something Wonderful!! . . . And in that realization is the shout of the birth of the butterfly!

Since the butterfly now 'knows' that it is a butterfly, the little tiny imaginal cells no longer have to do all those things individual cells have to do. Now they are part of a multi-celled organism - A FAMILY who can share the work. Each new butterfly cell can take on a different job. There is something for everyone to do. And everyone is important. And each cell begins to do just that very thing it is most drawn to do. And every other cell encourages it to do just that.

A great way to organize a butterfly!"

- Norie Huddle, Butterfly

Send Me To The Nations

2007-09-04T02:42:00.000+08:00

It's kind of funny how things went full circle.

A year ago, I remember giving my friend Alan all sorts of excuses for not registering into the Landmark Forum. One favorite was, "but Alan, this is the money for my US trip!"

And he said, very sagely, "You can have the Landmark Forum AND your US trip. And even more." I wanted to slap the smile off his face, but I'd seen something I wanted badly to resolve, so I paid up.

Fast forward to a year later. Over dinner at a new Foundation I'd been invited to join, my seatmate engages me in conversation. She says she's been to an Introduction to the Landmark Forum but hasn't registered. I ask, why not? She's going to the US, she says, and to Japan soon after, and won't have any money left over afterwards.

So I take off on my share.

I was in the very same space in mid-August of 2006 - plus I was seeking direction (while not letting anyone on to it). And, miracles of miracles, not only did I get my family, my practice, and my LIFE back during my Landmark Forum, but I also got my US trip last July (more than three weeks of pure R & R), AND got to travel more in less than 12 months than I'd ever traveled in my life: China, twice! Japan. Palawan. Singapore. And, next week, Bangkok; Cebu in October; and the US again in December. Plus, opportunities have opened up in business and the practice that will have me once again traveling abroad, more often than I ever expected.

The Landmark Forum was the best-ever adventure I'd ever taken on - so good that I took on completing the whole Curriculum for Living, through which I found and now am able to live my purpose in life - God's purpose for me all along. The fringe benefit is that I get to satisfy my wanderlust, in a surprisingly effortless manner.

Once upon a time, I prayed to God in song, "send me to the nations." And He has. :-) I'm assured He will continue to do so. Amen!

Singapore

2007-08-24T02:46:00.000+08:00

Off in a few hours. And I have another overseas trip lined up two weeks from now, to a favorite destination, but, unlike other "business" trips in the past, I don't feel the urge to "play" on the side. Perhaps it could be chalked up to being intentional, but I think that I've begun to actually consider these "working" trips as PLAYING trips that don't need any added extraneous activities to balance them off. Hmmm...or at least, with the company I'll be keeping, there'll be no locking myself in the hotel room with the cable TV running during the off-hours.

Off It

2007-08-22T03:57:00.001+08:00

What would it be like if you could get off your point of view about something and totally shift your perspective, seeing what's happening with a new set of eyes?

Tonight, I got "on it" for longer than it normally takes me - making myself wrong with the whole internal "shoulda coulda woulda" conversation and mentally beating myself up for a few minutes of not doing what I knew to do. Formerly, this kind of breakdown would be something I couldn't live with; I'd always strived for a degree of excellence in everything I knew I did well, and if I knew I couldn't make the grade in any endeavor, I'd inevitably give up and turn my attention to something else I knew I could really excel at. Take sports, for instance - I knew I couldn't hit, catch, or volley a ball to save my life, so I totally gave that up and turned my attention to other things I was "better" at. Or Math, which I thought I could never figure out. And thus I did really well in English, the creative arts, History, debate, Biology, languages, extra-curriculars...everything else. Looking back, it was all a compensation - a cover-up - for the stuff I'd failed at, for everything else I wasn't good enough to do.

But that was all inside a lie I'd convinced myself to believe. I wasn't a total failure at sports - I excelled in swimming, soccer, social dance (heck, ballroom dancing is some kind of sport nowadays). And later on was at the top of my scuba diving class (psi computations and all, so I couldn't be a total numbskull at Math). Come to think of it, I had high marks in Statistics and Geometry, so I couldn't really play dumb in the mathematical arena.

So it was all really an internal conversation I had with myself about what I wasn't "good enough" at. Today was a prime conversation about the "games" I thought I'd never win. I dilly-dallied for a couple of weeks about coming up with a business plan/financial structure for the publishing arm of the media company I'm a part of. My excuse was that my experience with publishing was purely creative and editorial and I had no clue about how the business and marketing aspect of it was about. Yet, presented with a whole new "game" - creative outsourcing - a revolutionary new idea my team had been toying with the last several months, I got totally pumped up about coming up with the very same requirement of a business plan in only three days. After all, it was a game I'd never played before (no internal conversations of how "cumbersome" or unprofitable such an operation would be). And ~~I know I can get in all on paper in a few hours~~ . (Or request an expert to do it. Thanks, Lex!)

Those internal, invalidating, disempowering conversations can really limit possibility. After those 30 agonizing minutes of castigating and emotionally throttling myself for being "less than excellent," I got off my point of view that I was "bad and wrong" and actually got back into who I was as a possibility and what I was committed to. And a beautiful, miraculous space emerged - something I would not have been present to if I'd insistently stuck to my perspective. Results-wise, the numbers went off the charts, despite (or perhaps because of?) the breakdown.

Getting off hard-and-fast points of view can mean an alteration of the quality of one's life. Giving up the view that your mother is unsupportive and hypercritical and taking the perspective of love and concern can actually transform your listening of the seemingly hurtful "that was nothing!" to the genuine intent of "that was nothing, compared to what I know you can do!" Giving up your point of view of a loved one, who you once perceived as a loser who doesn't appreciate you, leads to the realization that he's actually hungry for your love and acts out to get your love and attention. Giving up your point of view that someone is being harsh, unreasonable and pushy in getting you to do what you ought to do, all of a sudden has you get how much they love you and how they only want the best for you, and what they really want is for you to see how much further you can expand and how much better you can be (even if you can't see it for yourself).

I've been "getting off it" lately with some amount of velocity, and I'm thankful for not having to stew and gripe for long periods of time. When I'm "off it," the world stops being about ME - and I get present to what's really possible. I get present to grace - the miracle of every moment that I am alive, and the miracle of every person around me. Who knows, I might actually volley a ball, with some success, or solve a complicated Math equation off-the-bat, any time soon!

Grace

2007-08-18T22:38:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday evening, the world came a little more alive.

In a space of community and possibility, 46 people became present to miracles - but not as we commonly understand miracles to be. Water was not changed into wine, no seas were parted, snow did not fall from the thunderclouds of Manila. Still, lives were altered permanently through a profound, unforgettable conversation.

We may live our entire lives without witnessing manna fall from heaven or seeing a dead person raised back to life. Then again, to my mind, that's one way to define the experience of Tuesday: the dead were in fact given life. Burdens that had been carried for decades, emotional hurts calloused over through the years, resentments, frustration, struggle - all were lifted in that one evening and continued to be released in the days that followed. Reports of miracles came back to us, left and right - and I remain in awe of what is possible when humanity is freed of the shackles it binds itself with. The dictionary defines a miracle as "such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God." And yes, God was truly present as the space created by releasing months, years, lifetimes of struggle allowed the miracle of love to take place.

The heart of the conversation was the distinction GRACE - the realization that our life is, and always has been, a miracle. All the ordinary moments of it. And when we really get that, how we see and live our lives, from then on, will never be the same.

I don't believe in coincidence. Today, just before I spent a few ordinary, miraculous moments with friends, I wandered into a book sale and quickly picked up a couple of books to read over the long weekend, hardly browsing through what they were about. It was only a few minutes ago that I saw that one of the books, by Marianne Williamson, was exactly what I've just been writing about. It's about "having hope, finding forgiveness, and making miracles." The title? Everyday Grace. No coincidence indeed. :-)

God bless the miracle of your life.

Conversation

2007-08-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

There are many things that I am passionate about: travel, law, cinema, writing, my country. But lately I've been reflecting on what it is I'm passionate about the most.

I came up with one thing: CONVERSATION. I'm most passionate when I'm IN a conversation, especially a really good one. I just got off the phone after two hours of coaching and conversation with a relatively new friend, and when he thanked me for my time, I thanked him even more.

For after every conversation, I end up so enriched and expanded that I am not the same person I was before the interaction. No wonder that the people I consider my best friends are all masters at this art: I can spend hours, until the sun rises, in conversation with them, never running out of anything to say, even if I've known some of them for decades. The men I've been most attracted to have always engaged me in great, endless conversations - and those who I thought were initially attractive eventually turned out to be huge disappointments when nothing insightful, creative, or remotely relevant came out of their mouths (what a waste of saliva). I've distinguished that I can actually generate rich conversations with the most unlikely people - strangers on the bus, train, or plane; little children; lost youth living on the street - and I've always ended up being fascinated beyond my wildest expectations.

What I most love are conversations for transformation - those which open up new possibilities and avenues for action. Which is probably why I've always preferred arbitration and compromise over hard-core litigation. Both parties always end up winners after conversations for possibility, and those are the kinds of conversations I'm committed to forward.

So talk to me. I've always got something to say, and I'm always more than ready to listen.

Permission To Be Upset

2007-08-13T20:11:00.000+08:00

I got a big distinction today that really freed me up. I'd always related to an "upset" as something that SHOULDN'T BE - after all, I have all the distinctions and have practiced them pretty well; I'm transformed AND a leader of the work of personal transformation; people actually come to me for coaching to get them off their upsets - therefore I shouldn't be upset. Sure, I've gotten upset a few times over the last year and gotten off it with velocity, but it was a state of being I resisted like the plague.

Until last Saturday, right at the beginning of a big event, when I got upset and didn't even realize it. It wasn't a big upset, but it got uglier the more I suppressed it. First, my legs cramped up and the pain got so excruciating that I had to sit down and hand off part of the presentation to my co-lead. Then my voice went - in the middle of speaking in front of more than 50 people! Thankfully, I made it through, produced effective results, and didn't think much about what happened...until I had "what happened" and "what I made it mean" distinguished later that evening.

I unknowingly created an internal conversation that I wasn't being supported (my interpretation of a single experience that very quickly got "validated" as the afternoon went along), and as I couldn't express it while in front of the guests, it somehow manifested physiologically - both through the pain in my legs and my voice. Since I'd been perfectly fine an hour before the event, it all made sense.

I thought I was off it completely until today, in conversation with a good friend and coach, I saw that I was still really upset. My voice hadn't returned, so there still was something I wasn't communicating. And she said something that powerfully freed me up: give yourself permission to be upset.

What?! I'd thought an upset was something that I shouldn't allow to happen - I actually hadn't been giving myself permission to be upset or to even acknowledge that I was being upset. But how could I even begin to "get off" being upset if I never acknowledged it?

It made perfect sense. I'd been stifling my upsets all this time, until the BIG one last Saturday reared its ugly head without my permitting myself to be present to it. So I cleaned that up today, with someone I'd actually been upset with during the event, and, weirdly enough, for the second time in the last two days (I'd earlier expressed my withheld communication to a couple of other people) my voice actually started to come back in the course of the conversation! How freeing it was to actually say that I got pissed off by my interpretation of how he was occuring to me and to actually own and be responsible for my upset! And to finally, completely get off it, in the course of five minutes.

Now that I've given myself that grace, that permission, I can acknowledge that I AM being upset about something else: a certain expectation I've been denying (to myself) I harbored. I can now own and be fully responsible for that, now that I've seen that I'd been relating to circumstances as "this shouldn't be!" By choosing, not resisting, it, I can really "get off it." And create anew :-)

Thank God for access to that freedom, for the liberation from the crippling restraints of fallen humanity that keep us from being who He created us to be. For how can we be loosed from the chains that bind us, if we don't even acknowledge that they're there? It was no coincidence that the reading for that fateful Saturday is one of my favorite verses, from 2 Corinthians 4 (6-18):

"For God who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to bring to light the knowledge of the glory of God on the face of (Jesus) Christ.

But we hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us.

We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.

For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since, then, we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed, therefore I spoke,' we too believe and therefore speak, knowing that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and place us with you in his presence.

Everything indeed is for you, so that the grace bestowed in abundance on more and more people may cause the thanksgiving to overflow for the glory of God.

Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal."

What's Your Day Like?

2007-08-05T23:43:00.000+08:00

"So what's your day like?" asked Lex on his way out, after picking up the keys to the "new Center" (semi-long story).

My Saturday schedule was full and in existence, and did not include spending the morning cleaning up the old space and moving stuff to the new one (somehow his question got me suspicious - sorry for my interpretation, dude!). "It's my parlor day, then I'm going to dinner, then meeting Miles for drinks." (Intention thwarted, mwaha!)

I then very quickly fell out of integrity by dozing off for the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon (remnants of jet lag and the very late post-leadership program session), only to be jolted awake by the sublime possibility of a decadent day of pampering at my favorite salon with my favorite team of beauty experts. My late arrival (properly acknowledged and apologized for) didn't seem to make their familiar welcome any less warm - in fact, all of them were up-to-date with the goings-on in my life...perhaps a little too updated (responsibility goes to Johanna, dear sister-in-arms and fellow salon habitue). And so the little pleasures of spending several hours with Bambi Navarro and his staff, whom I hadn't been with since my last session in May, ensued - pleasures denied whenever I'm out of the country for extended periods of time, head-to-toe treatment for less than $50 (plus an environment effervescent with flattery and healthy gossip, hee hee), the works! Double yum.

Sufficiently made beeeeyootiful again, I was then ready to meet up with a really beautiful person whom I love dearly - my sorority sister Marivic, my Paris companion and fellow travel-holic. It was hard to imagine that it had almost been five years since we last met up in person, and yet we'd kept in communication over time and it was just a matter of catching up. The bonus is that we finally got to create travel plans we'd been talking about for years - Europe and South America (a whole new plan in itself), here we come!

To cap off the evening, my best gal pal Miles and I (Ney missing in action, par for the course) had a couple of bottles of wine at a new tapas bar she'd wanted to check out, with, as always, a side of great conversation about life, love, and men (I guess Ney's absence was propitious after all!). My friendship with Miles has spanned more than 20 years, and yet our conversations never, ever run out of steam. Just like with my salon team and Marivic, I hadn't seen Miles for some time, and yet we very easily picked up where we left off. Separation from someone you love, as I was just reading in a book about relationship, is the opportunity to pursue your individual adventures in life, such that when you're together again, the foundation of your relationship is ever more strengthened and enlivened by each other's contribution. And I was truly contributed to (and vice versa, am pretty sure of that, heh heh!). A little giddy from the wine and wonderful conversations and realizations, I went to bed extremely, profoundly grateful.

So what was my day like? Pretty darned awesome, Lex, and very much blessed. :-)

The Spaces In Between

2007-08-04T11:34:00.000+08:00

"You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." - Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Afterglow and Fore-ward

2007-08-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

The last few days have been an ebb and flow of riot and relaxation. I had a sense that my vacation was at its end last Sunday when I got off the plane, assaulted by the wave of heat and humdity and the throngs of joyous arrivals and greeters at the airport. I was home, back on familiar territory, back to the myriad commitments and concerns.

Not that it's an unpleasant experience - on the contrary, home was powerfully calling me back even as I stepped into the departure lobby a month ago. The cycle of completion and creation is exhilirating, as there is always something newly in place in the future that gets one going. The thrilling uncertainty of "what's next?" propels you out of bed in the morning (even while on a "break" from a familiar lifestyle), and dancing with the unknown creates enlivenment of mind and spirit.

My body clock is still shot - early to rise, early to bed, and an untimely experience of exhaustion at hours I'm usually at my peak - but I'm grateful for the slack in schedule I've enjoyed this first week back home. I've managed to put the new commitments I've taken on in place, while still taking time-off to get acclimatized to the old time zone. I'm beginning to build a schedule from scratch - getting back into the games I'd taken time off from and starting new ones - and have been pleasantly surprised to find that I have time in the next few days to spend with important people in my life, whose company I'd missed in the past several months of completing all the commitments I'd made. And I'm excited to have even more conversations that will create possibilities anew. Bring 'em on!

Celebrating A Passionate Life

2007-07-31T11:44:00.000+08:00

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." - Jack London

I am profoundly grateful to the Source of my life, Who has blessed me with life abundant.

Random Thoughts

2007-06-28T22:47:00.000+08:00

I slept on a bar stool last night - literally. Or should I say, I slept using a bar stool as a pillow. And I had a pretty decent sleep 'til we left at 4 a.m. Guess I got good practice sleeping on office desks and election returns and whatever else was available as a pillow. And no, I wasn't in a bar.

Yesterday, I also got what commitment is about, as distinct from possibility - I'd apparently collapsed the two and took a good 30 minutes (an eternity, given my training) to distinguish and get off a brewing upset. Later on, "MMMM" made present to me that commitment is taking an action by a definite time; possibility has no due date. Aha. I got that.

I'm leaving for Chicago on Monday, a long overdue-twice postponed intention that I'm finally fulfilling on. Haven't packed a single thing yet, my although my pre-departure sched's bursting at the seams. Tonight a good friend called to tell me he'd be in the same city at the same time - two minutes away from where I'll be - but we'll only get to spend time with each other for one day before he flies out on the early morning of the 4th. Funny, we hardly ever see each other in Manila (at least in recent years) so this would be a great opportunity to explore the Windy City together and get some laughs in. Brings back fond memories of Van and Nelson in Paris and Larry in Manhattan.

Just some random thoughts. Might as well practice sentence construction and de-construction while I'm online.

Structure and Existence, Integrity and Commitment

2007-06-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

Today I spent a few hours with my dearly beloved "son" J, in a meeting with a business partner creating new projects, and just in conversation in Nanay's new car while in traffic (I kept referring to myself as "Mom" the entire time, must be the upgrade in wheels, he he). Now my relationship with J is really probably the closest I have to being "maternal," except of course for the strange fact that he's only four years younger than I am and almost a full foot taller. But I'd always dreamed of the day when I could carry on an intelligent conversation with one of my own children, and while I don't have biological kids yet, the brilliant conversations I have with J - mundane (e.g., have I found him a father yet?) or otherwise, are experiences I always come away from highly enriched. J reads this space regularly, so get that as an acknowledgment, anak. :-)

Why I think we connect through this unusual filial bond is because of how we look and experience life in an oddly similar way. Just last year, both of us were in transition - or, in his case, he was about to be - I guess why I'm "Mom" is because I go through most of the same things just a little bit ahead of him and thereby can share my own experiences as he embarks on his. And then, as we both found ourselves owning our time and actually being responsible for it, the dreams we'd both only talked about - individual and common - started to be fulfilled before our very eyes. In my language, the possibilities are becoming actuality.

Once upon a time, maybe a year or so ago, we had a conversation about having time at our disposal and how to use it. Today I got present to our doing just that, and using time well.

Last Saturday, someone asked how it was like having my own time and creating my own schedule, and I realized right then how I was being responsible with that gift. The gift of time is a precious responsibility, which others may be willing to relegate to an employer, or to a regimented schedule. But if it is in entirely in your hands, the gift may just blow up in your face. Without responsibility, or without a certain structure of integrity and existence, time can be squandered away just like sand through fingers in an open hand. J and I somehow got that we were not to live the lives of bums or slackers; we are not aimless meanderers through life, but captains of our own destinies. On the other hand, the responsibility of owning one's time can also go the other way - there seems to be just so much to do that we milk it for everything it's worth, at the expense of our own well-being. Both of us have been through the hazards of workaholism and pushing ourselves to the very limits of time to know that that's not an ideal mindset either.

So how to make it work? How do we achieve balance in everything we're up to - and my "son" and I are up to a whole lot of things in our own lives - collectively and individually? How do we make our numerous careers and projects, our relationships with family and loved ones, our obligation to take care of our own selves, all work?

Structure and existence are key, and, above all, integrity and commitment. Looking at my life, and just now looking at J's, I see that those are the fundamental factors. Structure - although we do not observe a regular 9 to 5 schedule - provides the requisite discipline to getting things done, in a manner that doesn't leave us exhausted or worn out but instead inspired and ready to take on the next new thing. Existence - his notebook, my planner - puts things down in reality and allows us to honor promises we've made for work, family, relationship, well-being. July 2 to July 29 on my calendar, for instance, are dates I've inked down for my first real vacation in nine months, and everyone and everything is structured around those dates. Integrity - is basically honoring our word. We do what we say, when we said we'd do it, or otherwise make new promises and fulfill on them. That has been instrumental to my life, and his life, working. We wouldn't have all the great new opportunities coming our way if we treated our word as trash. And, finally, commitment: what is it that we are truly intent upon accomplishing? When we come across distractions or roadblocks or detours on the paths we're running on, what gets us off our butts and back on the trail? Commitment is what it is, and that's something both of us have had breakthroughs in fairly recently - is what you're seeking after worth the "pains" of the pursuit? Happily, so far the answer both of us have had is YES.

So those are my thoughts tonight. I have the pleasant luxury of some time to myself to write them out, after a productive day that came after a very eventful evening (conversation, cards, and a canine-related emergency room crisis) that had me out until 5:00 a.m. and still got me to my meeting at the other end of Metro Manila by noon. Thank God for the gift of time - it isn't something anyone wants to waste.

Walang Hiya

2007-05-30T02:08:00.000+08:00

I distinguished something last Sunday. The day before, one of my favorite mothers at the Foundation was telling me that she was desperately trying to put together some money for her son's "capping" (he's studying to be a nurse) as she could not afford the fees. Judith suggested that the mother give me a call and see what she could work out, but it just so happened that I'd been up 'til early morning and was still asleep when she rang. So Nanay C was stopped at that, and told me that she didn't want to bother me out of hiya.

As I told her, if she did bother, she would have gotten a more than favorable response, as I'd been praying about whom I should give a certain tithe. But hiya got the best of her.

Hiya. I just got that "being ashamed" is one of the biggest cultural inauthenticities of the Filipino - and to my mind, it's a major deterrent to true freedom and self-expression. I've heard it used too many times as an excuse to be concerned; hiya is actually repressive and totally a crock of *censored*.

"Nahihiya kasi akong lumapit sa iyo," "nakakahiyang abalahin ka," "hindi ko masabi dahil sa hiya," "Ayoko nga, nakakahiya!" Shyness, shame, reticence - a huge obstacle to really getting the results we want in life.

I was speaking to Mike and Judith about it over lunch, when I got the inauthencity of it: hiya in this sense cannot be from God. Embarassment and being ashamed on the one hand hides fear - of rejection, refusal, being made to look bad. Worse, hiya is actually a subterfuge for pride - which, in Christianity, caused a favored angel's fall from grace. It is a deceptively innocent means to mask the refusal to acknowledge that one needs assistance, support, or in the direst case, salvation. It may not be a malicious guise, but it is, at bottom, fake. And I cannot believe it comes from God.

For, after all, the opposite of pride - which is basically what hiya is - is humility, a virtue or quality extolled in Scripture. Humility, in practical terms, is the acknowledgment of one's limitations, and the grace of being able to request assistance, support, salvation, from another. It's telling that this kind of candor is frowned upon in this society: we live our lives pretending out of hiya that we don't need anyone's "help" and refuse to publicly acknowledge it, while actually knowing in our heart of hearts that another person could make a huge difference in regards to what we desperately need or want. Translating this in terms of faith, the refusal to accept the Lord's redemption of our eternal souls on the basis of hiya or "I'm not worthy boohoohoo" is not just a tragedy, it's fancy, fragrant bull*censored.* Or to even come face to face with Him after the temple veil was torn, once and for all, by His sacrifice of salvation, allowing us direct access to the Holiest of Holies. It's like putting up sandbags around us to keep the tide of His Divine Mercy from coming in.

Hiya is pride, pure and simple. So I say, don't be that. That's one Filipino trait I am definitely not committed to perpetuating. Walang hiya kami dito! :-)

A Powerful Pentecost

2007-05-27T21:25:00.000+08:00

This last week has been leading up to the outpouring of the Spirit today, much perhaps like the time the apostles were anxiously waiting in the upper room to receive what their beloved Savior had promised.

And man, did they receive! (Acts 2)

Today was also my personal Pentecost, as I received with open arms a veritable thunderstorm of His love and messages. The clarity of the experience was much like the neon-light revelation three years ago that pointed me unmistakably to where I was being called at the time through Luke 14:12- to the banquet of "the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind," which transformed my life forever. And as I shared a long time ago in a previous journal, it takes incontrovertible evidence for the skeptic in me to actually get what's being Said. I also just realized that it's been almost three years to the day (June 6, 2004) that I received my calling to serve, and five years (June 2, 2002) since I first answered the One calling me to Him.

True to form, today's messages were brought to me, Sesame Street style, by the letter "P," from my Panginoon:

PRESENCE. POWER. POSSIBILITY. PURPOSE. PRAISE. PROPHECY.

PRESENCE (Alan's addition to my "P's" when I shared this with him earlier today; I wasn't "present" to it at the time!). During Mass at today's Feast, the priest-celebrant said that it isn't God who holds back on what He gives us - it is our willingness to receive the continuous torrent of His blessings that keeps us from getting them. Today what I got was that to receive the fullness of His abundance, we must be totally empty. More relevantly, we are truly open to His generosity and His communication when there is nothing between Him and us; when we are cleared of all our internal conversations of guilt and unworthiness (the "umbrella" we open that keeps up from His rainstorms of love) - for He has already redeemed us and washed us clean by His blood, and continues to allow us to draw near to Him through His immeasurable Mercy (from which we may constantly draw through the Sacrament of Reconciliation). It is then that we can actually be present to His word for our lives.

POWER. That said, and being fully empty and present to Him, His message landed loud and clear: "the power you wield is My power revealed." In my weakness, He is my strength; and truly, His power in me releases me from fear and enables me to allow His glory to shine forth. And, in receptive emptiness, I received yet another revelation: it is His message when it is a message that gives me power. Thus, perhaps the most powerful message I received today is that He sees me as my -

POSSIBILITY. "You are able to see others as their possibility because I see you as yours." Wow. I really GOT that. He, indeed, created us - and sees us - as no less. To rub it in a little more, worship began with All Things Are Possible, and continued on a bit later to The Potter's Hand: "Teach me O Lord, to see all of my life, through Your eyes..."

PURPOSE. I'm supervising a powerful program this coming weekend that I've promised to be nothing short of mind-blowing, earth-shaking, and extraordinary. Even more so than my own experience of that program last October 2006. What I have at stake is the future of the Philippines and the full self-expression and freedom of the Filipino people. And I brought this program to today's celebration and lay it the foot of His cross. The confirmations I received over the course of the Feast, from the messages in worship and during the talk that followed, to actual physical evidence and the Word itself in Isaiah 60 cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be coincidence, even to someone like me who needs more than the usual amount of proof (lawyers!):

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.
See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you.

"Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

"Lift up your eyes and look about you: All assemble and come to you;
your sons come from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm.

"Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy;
the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come."

Yup, the Philippines will never be the same again after this weekend. I PROMISE that. And thus it shall be. :-)

PRAISE. I'm going to be doing a lot of that over the next week and into the weekend, in everything I do. I'm blessed that my partners in my possibility are also present to the miracle of praise. For in praise, there is presence, power, possibility, and purpose. Really :-)

PROPHECY. I missed most of Jon Escoto's talk because I took my sweet time over a snack, but the last part of it was even more confirmation of all of the above. Prophecy, according to what I got from Jon, is creating out of one's speaking (hmmm...sounds familiar, heh heh). And SO IT SHALL BE. At the end of his conversation, he bade us to prophesy to our spouses and children (I have none of the above - yet!), to the people around us, and most importantly - to our country. He said that too many "negative" (in my language, "disempowering" would be more accurate) things we say about the Philippines keep it where it is. Prophesy that it be blessed and be the First World, God-loving, God-abiding nation it is meant to be. How much more confirmation did I need?

A first-world Philippines, powerful (without disempowering anyone else, and instead empowering every other nation and people), free, and fully self-expressed! I prophesy that it shall BE sooner than any of us think. Praise God :-)

The Parable of the Talents

2007-05-24T02:24:00.000+08:00

Something extraordinary happened over the last eight months. And I'm present to the many miracles that I've experienced over that span of time.

The Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30) most aptly illustrates the blessings I am present to.

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'"

Analogous to this is Luke 12:48: "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more."

What I get from these verses of scripture is that the Almighty has generously gifted us with extraordinary graces - talents, abilities, ways of being - that He trusts us to cultivate, utilize, and grow. Each of us has unique gifts from above, and the "challenge" is how we shall best use them and thereby proclaim the Giver's glory.

The ordinary perspective is to prioritize, sacrifice, choose the talent with the most potential - abandoning the rest. Thus we have lawyers who secretly desire to be novelists, doctors whose heart's passion is to create art, employees who covertly wish to be entrepreneurs.

My take on the Parable of the Talents, and many other verses of Scripture, is that the good Lord actually wants us to take EVERYTHING on. I am not a lawyer to the exclusion of everything else I do - I am a lawyer, a senior Partner of the firm AND I am a cook, entertainer, singer, lay missionary, entrepreneur, agent, publisher, editor, writer, educator, and so on and so forth. All at the same time.

Our lives are not meant to be a matter of multiple choice, but instead, a choice of all of the above. This is one of the biggest things I got out of my Landmark education - you can have it ALL. Really. And when I start to embrace having it all, much more becomes available. I become present to the availability of being, doing, expressing, having everything I've ever wanted, without sacrificing (in the sense of having to give up) anything else. And then I get present to that so much more is being given to me.

The conversation no longer becomes about having too much on your plate - it becomes about getting a bigger one. And that's an exciting point of view from which I choose to stand. Next talent, please?

Completion and Creation

2007-05-21T00:54:00.000+08:00

That just about sums up what the last several weeks have been for me. Completing tasks, projects, accountabilities, programs, and endeavors...and creating new ones.

Tonight's homily by Father JBoy, to celebrate the Feast of the Ascencion, spoke about that - episozomene, in particular, or completion, which leads to ascensio, or ascencion. In other words, the prerequisite of moving on to a higher plane is completion of a task. When what needs to be done gets done properly, in time and in substance, there opens up a clearing for the next task at hand.

Completion and creation. I just completed my assisting accountabilities in two seminars (oh YEAH) and my leadership program (which means I've completed the whole Landmark Education Curriculum for Living in a span of eight months!), aside from one other supervising accountability and a program in Japan.

In "life," I've also just successfully completed an editing job, and a legal project. I also completed - albeit in the sense of termination - a business partnership that was not within my own realm of possibilities from the get-go.

Which now leaves me free to create a lot of new stuff; and, consciously or otherwise, that's what I've been taking on. New accountabilities in Landmark Education that I haven't taken on before, new projects for the businesses I'm already operating and a whole new business enterprise that's full of promise. New perspectives, new openings - even new relationships and new views of old ones. And, due to the completion, none of the old baggage weighing me down.

Now that's what life's about: completion and creation. You just gotta love that!

Being Unreasonable

2007-05-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
"The man who listens to Reason is lost: Reason enslaves all whose minds are not strong enough to master her." - George Bernard Shaw, Maxims for Revolutionists in Man and Superman

Complaint

2007-04-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

I have a complaint.

Several, actually, with one consistent theme. In this new realm of possibility, complaints are anathema - and yet a persistent one rankles my nerves.

I cannot stand people who cannot get their greatness.

I hate it when they whine, hide, denigrate themselves, betray their possibilities. Sure, I get that part of their humanity, but somehow I cannot stand it. Especially when they trivialize what their existence is all about.

I know I *should* be compassionate, but it seems that I cannot tolerate it.

Heck, I will not.

When we make ourselves small, we make the One who created us small - for we were created in His image and likeness, and our God is definitely not miniscule.

So get off it already.

In The Moment

2007-04-06T00:36:00.000+08:00

Today I finally got around to spending time with a new friend I'd been promising to meet up with for months (and later on with a dear old friend I hadn't gotten together with in a long while). Lately life has been like an amazing roller coaster ride (the best way to experience it is to really enjoy it instead of letting it freak you out!) going at full-speed that I just realized I haven't really allowed myself the leisure of the moment. Especially with the people really important to me.

And there are more and more people who've become really important to me recently, in addition to long-time friends and family. In reality, there are a certain number of hours in a day, and it's been quite the challenge to spend quality time with all the many people in my life. Then again, anything is possible. I got present today to the impact of my not being "available," and I really got that.

I'm creating the possibility of being present, really and truly, in the moment, and to the people in my life. All 6.6 billion of them - as far as my other possibilities are concerned :-) God grant me the grace to do just that!

Jars of Clay

2007-03-03T11:48:00.000+08:00

Was browsing through my dear friend/business partner/sister Johanna's blog the other day and an entry really floored me. It's a compelling quote from Marianne Williamson on what we can truly BE:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The weakness of our humanity oftentimes chokes off that Light, and we are stuck in the self-centered world of self-inflicted darkness. What saves us from being consumed by that desperate night is the reminder that, while we are fragile vessels susceptible to being broken or shattered, we contain a glorious Light - that can only be revealed each time our humanity cracks and breaks. And once we, in our humanity, are entirely broken beyond recognition and given up for others, it is only then that the glory of God's blinding Light, the priceless treasure within the jars of clay, is fully revealed as who we truly ARE.

For God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to bring to light the knowledge of the glory of God on the face of (Jesus) Christ.

But we hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us.

We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed;
always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.

For we who live are constantly being given up to death for the sake of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since, then, we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, "I believed, therefore I spoke," we too believe and therefore speak, knowing that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and place us with you in his presence.

Everything indeed is for you, so that the grace bestowed in abundance on more and more people may cause the thanksgiving to overflow for the glory of God.

Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:4-18)

Creating From Nothing

2007-02-21T01:43:00.000+08:00

And so we emerge from yet another leadership training weekend, and what a powerful weekend that was! Great breakthroughs to propel us into the future we're creating for ourselves.

We're finally getting the TWT show on the road, for one, and really seriously putting our noses to the grindstone. One wonderful thing that I learned from a great friend (and business partner), who I acknowledge and admire for her velocity and intentionality in getting her dream off the ground in a matter of a few months, is doing one thing everyday towards the fulfillment of the possibility one has created. And that's just what we did, especially with the powerful new distinctions we received over the ILP weekend. Things are falling into place in a great new realm, and it's absolutely thrilling!

Watch out for Third-World Traveler, Co. - we're gonna rock the Third World!

Getting Present

2007-02-01T03:42:00.000+08:00

...through just a smile, a conversation, an acknowledgment, a listening ear.

I love the people I work with: the mothers on kitchen duty and their stories of triumph and defeat and rising again, the people in the office with their hopes and dreams and possibilities, my partners in all the many endeavors I'm involved in - with their realizations of their own frailties, and most importantly, their greatness.

I love the people I serve for being just that - people who I can love, and to whom I can show my love through my service. I get that service does not mean bending over backward or sacrificing painfully, but comes from a genuine and loving acknowledgment of their dignity, their humanity, their equality. Service, indeed, begins with a smile - and sometimes that's all that takes. I've been profoundly made present to how that alone makes a difference.

I love my family and friends for who they are, and for what I can see they can truly be.

I love my God for BEING who He is and who He wants me to BE. My future with Him in eternity is truly the most powerful future that could ever call anyone into being.

My friend Peter recently acknowledged me for being "peace, ease, and profound happiness." I get that; I'm present to all of that. May I continue to be present to all the gifts, especially the most precious gift of relationship, that the Lord continues to shower me with.

Praise God :-)

Hmmm...

2007-02-01T01:39:00.000+08:00

I'm not into astrology, but we were going through a book at my friend's studio earlier, and the very first sentence of the entry under my birthday read:

"Those born on July 31 take a special interest in what it means to be a human being. Philosophical and moral questions concerning the nature of humanity absorb them, especially where unusual and abnormal aspects of people are concerned." -The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Goldschneider and Joost Elffers

Hmmm. Very interesting.

What's your hobby?

2007-01-14T13:39:00.000+08:00

The question was asked in a production meeting yesterday, and I got stumped. Who has time to have hobbies when, on a Saturday, you've got meetings in Makati at 10:00 am, 1:00, and 5:00, an event from 2:00 to 5:00, set-up for a friend's party at 7:00, and the party itself at 9:00 pm? And, in between, a business plan that's waiting to be done (it wasn't).

So I said, half-jokingly, that my hobby was drinking - and going to the bathroom to pee (it felt like that was the only thing I had free time to do). But I wasn't really complaining, and just continued to think about the question for the next few hours.

Later, at the party, Alan asked the question again, but with the qualification "If you had time, what would be your hobbies?"

Standard answer: travel - a little luxury now that my calendar is steadily filling up, and I'll be doing that mid-year. Diving, which I promised myself I'd do again sometime soon, and schedule is still the consideration. Movies - haven't gone to a theater lately but there's always the rare DVD marathon (of foreign art films, yum). The occasional book is always nice, recently finished The Four Agreements - but I'm not reading as much as I used to. But no regrets; I honestly didn't feel like I was missing out on doing things I really love to do.

And so the party progressed, and I had such a fun time (even when I was "working," i.e., helping out at the bar, serving food, entertaining guests), that this morning I got to thinking.

It's not true that I don't have time to do the things I love (the popular definition of "hobby"), because I'm actually already doing them in my life. And not just in my spare time! Now that's a blessing I'm now present to and profoundly grateful for.

I love to cook, and go shopping for pretty household stuff for entertaining. And that's what I do for a living, through the catering business.

I love to party and entertain, and that too I do as part of the business - and as a big part of my life, just like at Kate's impromptu birthday bash last night. I got to dance to some great bands and meet new people (and old friends!) and have great conversations with them and my friends until the wee hours.

I love to talk, and conversation is no longer a dying art in my world. I get to talk to my best friend every single weekday (and sometimes the after-work drinking weeknights) as we work together, to the wonderful people in my life, and to the great people I spend a lot of time doing the work of transformation with (even on weekends and holidays and even in the middle of a party; no vacation from transformation!). And to whoever else I meet and engage in conversation.

And I get to really live my life. I have no time for hobbies, because I'm spending it all already doing what I love - my hobby is my life. Amazing grace, indeed! Now I really get what He said about the fullness and abundance of life - and I'm truly thankful for that. :-)

Now that the business plan's done and I've gotten some writing in today, I'm going to do something I really love and have the rare opportunity to enjoy: take a Sunday nap. Yum!

Breathing Space

2007-01-02T23:09:00.001+08:00

Finally, some down time after work-play-work-play-work-work-work over the season. Was so pooped on New Year's Eve that I didn't even make it to the countdown, and then New Year's Day was another big day in the kitchen. So today, I relished the alone time to drive to Chinatown (thank God for post-holiday traffic-lessness), comb the bookstore racks, get a *pink* pedicure, and read up on some program assignments. And to talk on the phone with someone I never thought I could ever relate to - what a great way to cap off a relaxing day. Also got some phone time in with my peripatetic BMF, just when I was beginning to really miss him. And it's back to work tomorrow! Never thought I'd be raring to say that :-)

Before I hit the sack, I wanted to share an entry from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, a devotional I've had a love-cynical-love relationship with. The last part of December 31st's reads:

"...As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, forgetful delight, nor with the quickness of impuslive thoughtlessness. But let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.

"Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."

Amen. I got that, and I really like that. :-)

The One True Light

2006-12-25T15:49:00.000+08:00

Rejoice! A blessed Christmas to all :-)

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
He was in the beginning with God;
all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made.
In him was life, and the life was the light of men.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John.
He came for testimony, to bear witness to the light, that all might believe through him.
He was not the light, but came to bear witness to the light.
The true light that enlightens every man was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world knew him not.
He came to his own home, and his own people received him not.
But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God;
who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father.
(John bore witness to him, and cried, "This was he of whom I said, `He who comes after me ranks before me, for he was before me.'")
And from his fullness have we all received, grace upon grace.
For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
No one has ever seen God; the only Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, he has made him known. (John 1:1-18)

A New Space

2006-12-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

My Christmas gift to myself is *tadah* a new space. I was creating one in Baguio City when life stopped "happening" to me and I started to make it "happen," and now it looks like I've made it happen at new digs in Mandaluyong. What it's going to eventually look like is something still in my head, but bits and pieces are starting to get put together. Worst case would be a sleeping mat in the middle of the condo floor, but that's a little too sad to imagine (I'd probably be better off crashing over at Rhia's, Ney's, or Miles'!).

The great thing is that almost everything important to me is within the perimeter - my best friends, both my offices, my training program. Home, He Cares, and the kitchen are still not too far away, and it'll save me a huge chunk of travel time to be centrally located. An added bonus is that an old sorority sister lives only three stories up - so there'll always be someone to borrow a cup of sugar from (as if I'll be doing anything that needs sugar).

So it's an exciting new phase in my life. Come to think of it, it's actually God's little gift to me, just like JJ Phad in BC, and I'm looking forward to what the New Year in the new digs will bring, sleeping mat and all. :-)

Failing Forward...and Into His Arms

2006-12-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

Breakdown, major one. I never expected that one coming; and it was dark and ugly while it lasted. Thank God it took only a few hours out of my life for me to see His hand pull me out of that place and set me back on my feet.

We're not meant to wallow - although at times our humanity requires us to. In self-centered misery, there's a denial of the light at the end of the tunnel, the dancing after the mourning, the Easter morning. He will always pull us through, and in this case, He had me rejoicing in a matter of relative moments.

It's times like these when being Christian is most powerful: when the ground beneath us seems to crumble, we are assured of the steady foundation of His promises. He is the only One who walks with us in the lonely valley, when we cannot trust even our own footing; He sees us not for our many failures but lovingly acknowledges our possibility. The future we are living in truly calls us powerfully into being who we are today - after all, He who is Integrity Himself promised us a future full of hope, He who has plans for our welfare, not our woe (Jeremiah 29:11-16). And truly, all things work for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28).

Praise be the God of our salvation, in whom all things are possible :-)

Welcome Home Kuya, and A Bientot, Roy!

2006-12-03T21:09:00.000+08:00

Kuya JD's back home after a month of evangelization seminars (and Hainanese chicken!) in Singapore, and our good friend Roy from Canada is on his way home tomorrow after a much too brief visit. Tonight we had a welcome home/farewell dinner for them, with food, beer, and lots of possibilities created. Praise be to God! Love and blessings all around :-)

2006-12-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

Today I just got present to the miracle of being related to another human being in terms of friendship. My definition of a "good friend" may be different from that of another, and it's all good. What's important is the blessing of friendship: the good friends I have in my life, and those who consider me a good friend. And I'm creating the possibility of being related fully to all of them, whoever they may be, and however long I've known them. :-) Amazing :-)

Faithful In The Little Things

2006-11-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

Less than a month ago, I put together a little venture for the urban poor mothers of the He Cares Foundation - a kitchen cooperative to engage in the business of cooking and distributing packed lunches, merienda, and dinner (the call centers!) to offices and other establishments in the city. From a business point of view, the market is huge and the potential is immense; goodness knows that my own office building alone demands more than what is being supplied. But this enterprise is rooted in something more important than that: the empowerment of these women to become not just recipients of God's grace and blessings but channels of these blessings themselves. Which is exactly the essence of He Cares' mission.

The old proverb "Give a man a fish, you have fed him for today; teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime" applies particularly to the HCF Mothers' Kitchen Coop, and to other such HCF cooperatives I'd like to establish in the near future. Our counterpart of acting for ourselves upon God's providence aside from merely asking is essentially scriptural: Matthew 7:7 does not end with "Ask and it will be given to you," although it is surprising that many believers (myself previously included) seem to remember otherwise. The rest of the verse reads (to 7:8), "seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." The Bible is replete with references on how His people powerfully went into action upon His grace and received miracles upon miracles. Moses leading Israel out of Egypt. Rahab lowering down Joshua's spies, and the red cord out her window. The widow giving her last meal to Elijah. The diseased Roman centurion who bathed in the river Jordan. The faithful friends who broke through the roof to lower a paralytic down to where the Lord was. The hemorraging woman who touched His cloak...I could go on and on. The point is, they not only asked; they acted, and they received.

God has given us talent, resources, skills, intelligence, and the most wonderful gift of free will, all of which are wasted when we sit back on our heels and expect Him to do all the work. And then, more often than not, when our prayers are "not being answered," we tend to blame Him or otherwise justify our circumstances by saying "He said 'no.'" Our inaction, which invariably results in resignation and cynicism, has absolutely no place in the Good News of our salvation; otherwise, we would never be celebrating the ebullience of Easter morning.

Back to "my" mothers. Over the last two and a half years, I've seen them receive so many of His blessings, and still revert to being resigned and cynical. I've preached the Gospel to them, shared how God has been acting in my life and in the life of others, and frequently reminded them how good and faithful He is. But I never quite witnessed the rapt expressions on their faces as when I first told them, only four weeks ago, that God's providence becomes truly real when they act upon it in their own lives. When they actually become responsible and accountable for everything He has given them - and how, acting upon those gifts, that can translate to unimaginable blessings in their lives, and the lives of those around them. That they can actually be greater than what they presently make themselves out to be, and that God is glorified even more in achieving that greatness.

From six mothers on that first day, the coop swelled to 20 seven days later. Now they even want to bring their husbands in. I can't describe the impact of their transformation - from crippling despair wrought by poverty to hope - had on me. It was just a dream, an inspiration; but with faith in God's power, we remain anchored on the promise that in Him, "all things are possible!" (Matthew 19:26). Through His grace and providence, things are now moving swiftly to make the dream a reality. And the women are now truly empowered: no longer are they mere beneficiaries of "hand-outs," but they are actually taking active part in how they want their lives to become. Since the enterprise is a cooperative, they, under the guidance and auspices of the Foundation, are ultimately responsible for the operations and profit of their work. How small or how big they can make their profits grow, and how they will lift their neighbors from envy to contribution and transformation is entirely up to them. And it's simply miraculous how God's power is working in them, with this newfound hope. They are actually acting, instead of always just asking. Praise be to God!

Today's penultimate meeting of commitment before we begin full operations on the first week of December was empowering, not just for them, but for myself. As I advised them on business and money matters, particularly in handling their personal finances (who would have known I had that in me; thank you Lord for the continuing surprises!), He inspired me to draw upon His word. "The person who is trustworthy in very small matters is also trustworthy in great ones; and the person who is dishonest in very small matters is also dishonest in great ones. (Luke 16:10)" Kapag pinagkatiwalaan ka sa maliit na bagay, maaasahan ka sa mas malaki. A striking verse that applies not only to how one controls one's money, resources, and business, but also to everything in life that comes from the Creator. Skills, talents, relationships...everything that is entrusted to us by Him. Mindblowing - I got much out of that just by speaking it. And so did they.

It definitely was no coincidence that one of the mothers informed me that Luke 16: 1-10, was today's (more accurately, yesterday's) Gospel - and I was not aware of it (my story of not having time lately to go through my daily Mass readings). And to put God's word into action through this transformative Kitchen Cooperative, now a little thing, and through faithfulness, will be something really big, is indeed a blessing, and a privilege. All glory belongs to Him. :-)

The Time Has Come

2006-11-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

Just got in from Hillsong United's concert at the Ninoy Aquino Stadium. I loved the energy and self-expression of all the many thousands of young people (myself included, hehe...) who gathered together to unabashedly sing, dance, and rock their praises to the King.

While I'm admittedly partial to Hillsong's Reuben Morgan, and to a lesser extent, Darlene Zschech, I can't help but get caught up in the contagion of United's powerful performances. The first one - a new song from their most recent album (United We Stand, 2006), is particularly apt at this point of my life: I've always said that my "medium" setting is busted, and I can only operate on "high" and "low." And, these days, I've come to realize that my "low" button is busted as well. :-)

The Time Has Come
by Hillsong United

Found love beyond all reason
You gave Your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever
Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope, found life
Found all I need - You're all I need

The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You

Today, today it's all or nothing
All the way, the praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today, today I live for one thing
To give You praise in everything I do
Yeah all the praise goes out to You

All we are is Yours
And all we're living for is all You are
Is all that You are Lord

Praise Him to the Highest Heavens for a truly powerful evening of praise and worship. United rocks! Even for an "old-timer" like myself :-)

Full-Speed Ahead!

2006-11-07T15:59:00.000+08:00

Haven't had much time to write lately, mainly because I've been living life to the max and playing full-out. I am profoundly grateful for the grace to be able to do so.

In the last 10 days I:

- Went back to Boracay (a breakthrough in my relationship with the island, which I'd sworn off forever), and experienced the most perfect vacation ever (breakthroughs in my travel OC'ness, relationships with people - including men, and the Bora bar scene), with a great friend and sister I only met in September (a breakthrough in friendship and choice of traveling companions!).

- Had a ton of fun at an awesome Halloween party (only a few hours off the plane, in full costume, no holds barred!)

- Reconnected with old friends and connected them with new ones

- Attended Mass at 6:00 am (major breakthrough); on another day, got home at 6:00 am and lived to tell about it...

- Went back to Cali! (always a great idea)

- Created a kitchen cooperative with the He Cares mothers, to supply cooked food to offices, run a carinderia/s

- Got Third-World Traveler Publishing Co. up, running, and in action!

- Got in action towards the December 1 deadline of setting up HBO & Associates' new office - a big, big game I love playing

- Booked more clients for C+C Personal Caterers

- Etc. and so much more!

So this is what life feels like, at full-throttle. Barely 10 days, and I feel like I've accomplished more than I ever had in 10 years! And I have absolutely no stress, even with all these things going on...although a massage right now would be absolutely lovely (running hard, but not yet tired).

God's grace be praised!

Amazing Praise

2006-10-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

Today I found myself, upon the invitation of a dearest sister-in-Christ, at a worship workshop. What better way to spend a Sunday afternoon...and who better else to spend it with (referring of course to the aforementioned sister, her future bridegroom, and several dozen worshippers! Plus a couple of dear familiar faces from my old worship ministry as an added bonus). Anyway, I was excited to come into communal worship after the last major space-clearing, and man, was I blown away!

Mela reminded me of how, once upon a time, I described my connection to my God as on a "broadband" level, an upgrade from "dial-up." But today, whoa, the network connection went off the scale - I was totally hooked, wired, fully connected! Rissa Singson, in her talk, also confirmed something I've only recently been experiencing in my prayer time: ever since the clearing of my relationship with Him, my early morning worship and prayer time has been much more profound and intense, albeit much shorter in length. Sometimes it takes only five minutes (from my usual 30-45 minutes), and my Lord and I "get" each other more powerfully and distinctly than if I'd spent an hour trying to get to Him.

And worship, finally, became really and truly about Him. When I used to lead worship, I'd be overly concerned about cues and appearance and melody and what to say, that I'd almost lose sight of Who worship is really about. But now I finally got it. Praise God! Woohoo!

Grace In My Space

2006-10-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

What's in my space today?

I'm grateful for a little quiet time to myself and my laptop. This Space Mountain of a ride has had me swept off my feet the last several days that I usually get home in the wee hours and way too tired to do anything else. Tonight, we called it an "early" one after eating too much (again); but Bakang seems to have other plans and is enticing me to jam awhile - I don't think so. Just sent in my "kids'" final grades; have an early day tomorrow to do catering stuff and chorva.

*An hour and a half later* Just got off the phone - haven't used the landline so much since high school; my mobile phone bill must be horrendous (the family company pays for it, and I usually get flak from my Mom when my bill goes even slightly off the charts, but lately she's noticeably nonplussed about the whole thing).

What's in one particular space in the garage today was the former love-of-my-life, the symbol of freedom and independence and my one-way ticket out of "bad" situations. My beloved Toyota is crushed beyond recognition, its hood and engine crumpled like a used tissue. I'm now dependent on friends and my father to get where I need to be, and, starting Saturday, on a hired driver to ferry me safely back and forth, especially when I'm tired and sleepy (I fell asleep at the wheel on Sunday morning; H will probably make good on his long-time promise to come over to personally kick my a$$ since the worse has happened - good enough reason to finally get jerky to come over, just kidding jerky! :-) ) But that crash created a huge space to realize many things: that I am not Superwoman and my act of "being able to do everything" is disappearing, with the ability to sleep normally taking its place; that you can actually get out of that traumatic loss of the symbol of life, liberty, and very expensive property with detachment; that you need to do what you need to do not someday, but NOW NOW and NOW, because you might not come out of the next car crash. And that God truly loves me and watches over me, and makes all things - even a potentially fatal accident (the airbags did not deploy) work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). I got out with just a split lip that hurt only when I laughed, a broken molar, and a greater sense of urgency to live life in this world in preparation for the next - in all its exceeding abundance!

And that's what in my space. What's in yours?

Tabula Rasa

2006-10-13T00:21:00.000+08:00

...and oh so many colors to paint with. I figured that this new life should go with a new blog.

The old life and all its drama is now archived here.

Bring it on, the new life is beginning now, and now, and now, and now, and now...

God truly makes all things new :-)